Confessions Of A Chatty Girl: Stuck Outside The Garden

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to write a new blog post.  I get about a paragraph in and lose it.  There are a lot of reasons why it has been a while since I have posted but in the last week and a half or so I have just been feeling a little lost when it comes to posting.  There are several things I could write about but right now I feel like I just need to be really honest and share with you guys some struggles I am having.

Mary Lennox - "The Secret Garden"

So as I have mentioned before I recently became a member of Covenant PCA here in Chattanooga.  As I have also mentioned I have been asked to be on the leadership team for CYAM (College and Young Adult Ministry).  I am very thankful for these opportunities and for God's provision in these things but I have to be honest with you guys, I really feel...well...lost.  I have no idea if it is me or if it is the people here or what but ministry looks very different here than what it looked like back in Lynchburg.  Maybe I am romanticizing the memories I have of my time in RUF but when I think about how vastly different the community was and just how different the caliber of relationships were it honestly makes me want to cry out of home sickness.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love most of the things about Chattanooga and I have found a couple of incredible people (yes, one particularly incredible person, which you will be hearing more about later) but overall I am really finding community and relationships very hard with many of the people here.  I remember being in Summer RUF sitting around the table on the deck at Marc and Amy's house and hearing Amy say that she had a hard time fitting in with a lot of people because very few are as open and real about life.  I remember being confused by that statement at the time but now I totally understand.  I feel like if I try to open up and be that real and honest person that I am, I get looks like I have three heads or I get a fake nod of support and a few cliche words of Christian-ese and then awkwardness ensues.  I can feel the walls coming up around my heart again and I feel myself hiding away from the fear of rejection and disapproval.  I left Virginia excited about the new life awaiting me and excited about what God has in store for me and he has brought along more blessings than I can count but I feel completely lost right now.  I have a gift and passion for ministry and I have a passion to be in relationship with people and to serve them and be there for them.  But right now I feel like Mary Lennox, hunting for the door to the secret garden.  I know there is a garden on the other side of the wall.  I have been inside it before.  I have tasted its fruit and I have smelled the sweet aroma of its flora.  But I am still outside digging through the vines that cling to the wall searching for that little door that will at least admit me entrance.  I know this is what I am supposed to be doing and what my life is supposed to be focused on because the longer I go without it and the longer I spend in vain searching for that door the less whole I feel and the more disconnected I feel I become.  Last week my associate pastor was talking about the disconnect between "real life" and eternity.  He was saying how sometimes eternity breaks into real life and brings with it the magic of the gospel and the beauty of the cross. I know this is a season of life.  I just finished ready Ecclesiastes.  I know nothing is new under the sun but it still doesn't keep my heart from aching for that eternity, for that magic.  Within that garden are beautiful flowers, within that garden are painful thorns.  Within that garden there is work to be done.  Within that garden is joy. 

Basically what I am saying is I am really hurting, frustrated, disconnected and lost right now and I need your prayers.  I need God to remind me of His plan and to trust in it.  I need to remember to be thankful for all that He has given me and be patient as I wait and watch for His guidance.  Christ is the key to the door I seek but without God's direction I will be digging through the vines forever.  So please be praying with and for me.  Be praying for opportunities to show themselves and that God would use me to further His kingdom here.  

God is at work.

TTFN~

Rachel

The Bookworm Project #4: The ESV Study Bible

The ESV Study Bible

It has happened.  As some would say, I have seen the light.  As some others would say, I have been bitten by the bug.  As still others might say, I have drank the Cool-Aid.  One night, at our college and young adults book study of Knowing God by J. I. Packer, I had raised a "devil's advocate" question.  Yes, I am that person.  I like to ask those questions to understand better and be able to have a response for when the tough questions are asked of me.  After spurring some very interesting discussion our company adjourned and my boyfriend and I went back to his house to hang out.  He and I continued discussing my question on the drive home and on arriving he quickly retrieved from his room his ESV Study Bible.  Having been in RUF for several years I had certainly heard of the ESVSB.  I had heard people sing its praises and tout its wonders but I had never really thought much of it.  I already have a Reformation Study Bible that R.C. Sproul's ministry had produced some 15 years back (Whoa! Suddenly feeling old...) and I figured that one study Bible was like the rest.  Well boy was I dead wrong.  As Mark and I began flipping through the pages researching my question I was more and more drawn in to just how many references we were coming up with.  Verses were being connected from all over the Bible.  The commentary was fascinating.  There were detailed maps.  There were extensive notes.  It was love.  I had to have this Bible.  

A few weeks later I promptly went out and bought my own personal copy.  I absolutely love it!  Now, normally I don't write a book review for a book I haven't read all the way through yet.  But since this is a Bible and that could take a year at least for that to happen I figured I would review it anyway and let you know that if you do not have one of these in your library you should invest in one.  It is a wonderful, easy to understand, resource to deepen your knowledge and love for the Scriptures.  

SWF seeking GOD: The Gospel in Ephesians

So I have been listening to a sermon series by Clay Werner, a friend of my boyfriend.  Clay is the senior pastor of Lexington Presbyterian Church in Lexington, SC.  He was also an associate pastor here in Chattanooga at Lookout Mountain Presbyterian Church for several years.  He has been doing a series at LPC in SC on Ephesians and I have been listening.  I just wanted to share these sermons with you because they are something that everyone needs to hear.  

There will be new personal posts coming.  I am terribly sorry I have been so lax.  There have been a lot of crazy things at work and many other exciting and distracting things going on in my life lately.  Note the word "boyfriend" in the first paragraph, so don't you worry I will be filling you in as soon as I get some time to organize my thoughts for a moment.  

Grace And Peace To You - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 1, 2012)

To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace - Eph. 1:3-10 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 8, 2012)

We Love Him Because He First Loved Us - Eph. 1:11-14 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 15, 2012)

Eyes Wide Open - Eph. 1:15-23 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 22, 2012)

The Bad News - Eph. 2:1-3 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 29, 2012)

But God - Eph. 2:4-10 - John Crosby, Lexington PC 

(Feb. 5, 2012)

God's Blueprint For His People - Eph. 2:17-22 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC
(Feb.19, 2012)

The Unsearchable Riches Of Christ - Eph 3:1-13 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Feb. 26, 2012)

A Prayer To Know Christs Unknowable Love - Eph. 3:14-21 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 4, 2012)

Gospel Transitions - Eph. 4:1 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 11, 2012)

Gospel Character That Maintains Gospel Unity - Eph.4:1-6 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 18, 2012)

Grace Equips Us To Serve Others - Eph. 4:7-16 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 25, 2012)

Hope y'all enjoy these as much as I did!

TTFN

REE~

SWF seeking GOD: The Redeemer

So it is really late right now…2:31am to be exact and I find myself wide awake.  I figure what better thing to do with this time than to meditate on my Redeemer.  It took me a few tries to decide on which of His names I wanted to go with.  There are hundreds to choose from.  But in light of the passage I just read Redeemer won out.  I just read Hosea 7:11-16

“Ephraim is like a dove, easily deceived and senseless – now calling to Egypt, now turning to Assyria.  When they go, I will throw my net over them; I will pull them down like the birds in the sky.  When I hear them flocking together, I will catch them.  Woe to them, because they have strayed from me!  Destruction to them, because they have rebelled against me!  I long to redeem them but they speak about me falsely.  They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail on their beds.  They slash themselves, appealing to their gods for grain and new wine, but they turn away from me.  I trained them and strengthened their arms but they plot evil against me.  They do not turn to the Most High; they are like a faulty bow.  Their leaders will fall by the sword because of their insolent words.  For this day will be ridiculed in the land of Egypt.”

I have been reading through Hosea in order to prepare for the upcoming Bible study I will be leading for the young women of my church.  When I got to this passage tonight I felt it resonate with me in a very palpable way.  I have found that being a theatrical and dramatic person is a wonderful gift, especially when it comes to reading scripture.  Being able to take words and inject emotions and life into them really can change your entire perspective on a passage.  Try imagining the wonder and awe of Creation as you read Genesis 1 and 2 out loud and see if you don’t look at grass and trees and the moon and sun just a little bit differently.  As I read these 6 verses I really began to taste the anguish woven into the words.  Allow me to paint a picture for you. 

The light from the crackling fire gave off an eerie glow to what should have been a warm and inviting scene.  He sat in the chair next to me gazing into the flames burning in front of us.  He hadn’t spoken in what seemed like an eternity, the crackle the only thing breaking the night’s silence.  I studied His face in the wavering glow.  The lines in His face were deep and professed the lack of sleep and pain.  The look in His eye was distant, the flame’s dance completely lost on the beholder.  I turned my attention back to the hearth as the silence reigned.  “She is like a dove, easily deceived and senseless.”  His hoarse voice cut the air, startling me.  “She turns this way for comfort.  She turns that way for love.  When she runs again I’m not letting her get away.  I will hold her here with all the strength I have in My body.” His voice faltered but His eyes glowed with a strength far surpassing their reflected embers.  “How dare she run from me?  There are consequences for the damage she causes.  She must be held accountable for her actions against me!” His gravel voice seemed to fill the room.  He clenched His fist several times then in a whisper that betrayed the tears just below the surface, “I want so desperately to take her in my arms and hold her and not let go, but she fights me at every turn, and spreads lies about me.” The passion and pain in His voice had me frozen in awe.  He loved her.  After all that she had done, He loved her still.  “I hear her at night sobbing into her pillow when she thinks I am not listening.  I am right there ready to embrace and to comfort her but she pushes me away every chance.” He looked down mournfully at His now open hands.  “What’s worse, she accepts comfort from others.  She runs to everyone but Me for her solace.”  He swallowed back a sob.  “I have given her everything!  All that I have is hers and she still tries to ruin me.  Everyone and everything she runs to will fail her.  They have failed her and still she hunts after them.”  He shook His head, not in disgust or mockery, but in pity.  How could such love exist?  This one who has refused Him at every turn, who has cheated on Him, who had greedily taken everything He has ever given with little to no appreciation or acknowledgement whatsoever, this one who did not even know the meaning of the word love, how could it be that He loved and pursued this creature so passionately?  The logs in the hearth had been reduced to mere embers, His words having seemingly stolen the fire from them.  He still loves her.

When I have read passages in the past where God is speaking as He does in Hosea of the consequences of sin I always read it as angry.  And I do believe that there is anger and pain when we sin against God.  The Bible makes it very clear that God does not turn a blind eye or shrug His shoulders when His children sin.  But the anger that is displayed time and time again is that of a parent or a jealous husband.  Let’s be honest here, people.  Most of us if not all of us don’t want to be held responsible for our actions and don’t want to think of God has having any right to be angry with us because hey we only are human.  When a wife cheats on her husband does the husband have any right to be angry?  Of course he does!  This woman who has vowed to love and honor him, who has pledged her faithfulness and support to him, who has made a covenant before God and man to forsake all others save him has destroyed every promise made.  When a child deliberately disobeys their parent and runs away, does the parent have a right to be upset? Absolutely!  This child who has been loved and cared for, who has been fed and clothed, who has been delighted in and shepherded has tossed aside all that as though it were worthless and gone out on his own because he can do it so much better.  Y’all, this is me!  This is you!  I am the wayward wife and the disobedient child!  Everything we have comes from the very hand of God and we throw it back in His face because we know better.  Or we snatch it from His hand greedily without as much as a “thank you”.  Why?  Because we don’t want Him cramping out style.  We don’t want to be told “no”.  Everything has to be our way!  Tonight as I read this passage my heart broke over my sin.  I am constantly trying to get everything I can from God without having to give anything in return.  I am always on the lookout for escapes so I can go back to doing my own thing without being tied down.  I push Him away because I don’t trust that He truly cares about me.  I throw tantrums when He tells me no.  I find my solace and my support and my drive in idols.  I worship the god of comfort and safety and happiness.  I fear the unknown.  Left to myself I am a wreck and a half.  But the glorious news is that He won’t leave me to myself.  He tells me no when I want Him to get away.  He pursues me with a passion that is incomprehensible.  He pulls me back every time I try to wrestle away from Him.  He listens to me when I think I am all alone.  He welcomes me back with open arms and redeems my broken heart and filthy hands.  He wipes my tears and He rejoices when I return to Him.  Why does He do all of these things?  Because He loves me!  Because He desires me!  Because I am His and He is mine!  Because He is merciful and gracious!  It has nothing to do with me.  It has nothing to do with what I can offer Him.  It has everything to do with who He is.  The Redeemer!

Hallelujah! God is at work!

TTFN~

REE

Confessions Of A Chatty Girl: Life On The Go

There has been so much stuff going on!  Hence, why I have been so behind on posting.  In addition to trying to get my apartment in order I feel a little bit like I have been in a whirl wind.  Where to begin is the question.  I'll try to break it up into small paragraphs that are easier to digest.

Home

I am still getting bits and pieces of my apartment together.  Slowly but surely I am trying to attack my apartment room by room.  The living room and the kitchen are the closest to being done.  So as promised finally here are some pictures of the new place.  As I complete rooms I will continue posting pictures.

The living room:
The key niche, I just need to get a bowl to put the keys in

The living room 2:
The other side of the niche

The living room 3:
I am going to be adding some floor pillows to add some extra seating options

The living room 4:
I am going to be adding some floating shelves above the TV

The living room 5:
My french doors out to my big balcony

The living room 6:
The office niche with all of my best books

The kitchen:
My bar and I have my cookbooks on top of my cabinets for space saving purposes

The kitchen 2:
"One can say everything best over a meal" - George Elliott

The kitchen 3:
It is quite itty bitty so you have to get a little creative with storage

That is the first installment of the apartment pictures.  My next thing to tackle is my dining room.  Next pay check I will be going dining room table shopping and I will be getting some pictures I got in Paris framed to go in there.

Church

I have started attending the visitors class and am taking steps to become a member of Covenant PCA.  It is a great church.  The preaching has been wonderful.  The people have been incredibly warm and welcoming from the beginning.  Last night, I went to the monthly shepherding group which was a great time of fellowship and meeting new people.

I am involved in the College/Young Adult Ministry (CYAM) and have been asked to be on their leadership team.  They are in a stage of transition right now so prayer for that would be greatly appreciated.   In addition to be asked to be on the leadership team, I have also been asked to start a high school and college girl's Bible study.  I think that I am going to be doing a study of the book of Hosea.  Prayer for that would be greatly appreciated.  I have never lead a Bible study before so please be praying for wisdom and guidance and that God would use me and give me to words that these girls need to hear about the passionate jealous God that pursues them and draws them to Himself.  CYAM also recently started a book study on "Knowing God" by J. I. Packer.  It has been very convicting.  

 Work  

Work is still going pretty good.  Still staying busy but the projects are coming and we are making progress, which is really exciting, however, the more I work and the more involved I get in church, the more I realize that the church is where my heart is.  So while I am incredibly thankful for the job that God has blessed me with I am more convinced that full time ministry is where I need to be.  So the Lord is teaching me patience and to understand that even Paul had to make tents so that he could serve the God he loved.  Work is not part of the fall.  Work is a responsibility and a God given mandate so I shouldn't be fighting it.  So be praying for me in that.  

Well that is all for now!  I have to get back to work and then head to Panera for the book study!  

TTFN~

REE

SWF seeking GOD: Queen Of My Own Castle

Do you know what tomorrow is?  Yes, your right it is Saturday.  Yes, it's New Year's Eve as well.  But there is one thing you are missing.  Tomorrow is the day that I move into my new apartment!  This is a big milestone for me.  This is the final piece of the puzzle which makes me a permanent resident of Chattanooga.  The last 3 months have been pretty wild.  God has been doing amazing things and this apartment is no different.  My wonderful mother actually was there with me when we looked at them and that was a fun experience to share with her.  Not only is the a completion to the puzzle, but this also will be the first time that I have had my own apartment and without roommates.  It is very exciting!

To any past roommates reading this, I loved having roommates when I had them!  There were a lot of laughing until we cried and crying until we laughed.  There were massage trains while watching The Bachelor and Castle.  There was crazy cooking experiences involving tinfoil and microwaves.   There were wacky adventures and lots of memories to be sure. (Yes, I know a lot of you are still stuck on the fact that I watch The Bachelor, it is so fun to mock!) It was interesting and sometimes fun coming home and never knowing who or what you would find.  But there was also those times when I certainly relished the breaks in school when my much loved roommates would head home and I could have the place to myself.  This is nothing against my roommate's of course, but I definitely look forward to having an apartment all to myself this time; to do with exactly as I please without having to consult anyone; to have no ones dishes to clean up but my own; to have no ones crumbs and coffee drips to wipe but those of my own making.  Yes, there are perks to having roommates, especially having someone to share the bills.  It is lots fun and you have a ton of laughs and you are never alone.  But sometimes it is nice to come home to a quiet place.  Or to invite anyone you want without having to worry about roommates needing peace to study or roommates already having people there.  Who knows I might end up going crazy without constant contact with people but you never know if you don't try right?

I think there is a part of all women that we are born with to be the queens of our own castles.  It's a piece of who God created us to be.  I think that is a beautiful part of being a woman.  Whether you end up sharing your castle with a king or not I believe that every woman should take pride in her domain.  Let's face it ladies, there is a reason why God made most women to be neater and tidier than most men.  (Mother, I can hear you laughing, and I do keep everywhere but my room clean on a regular basis and even the latter, I am getting better at.  Yes, Amanda that is an improvement.)  There is a role there I think and it's one to be reveled in and to be proud of.  And I must admit that when I clean my room after ignoring it for a while I always feel much better and as though I can breath deeper and relax more knowing that all is in order.  

 "She watches over the affairs of her household 

   and does not eat the bread of idleness." Proverbs 31: 27

So for the next year, not as a resolution because I think that word is trite and meaningless anymore, but as a commitment to myself and to the Proverbs 31 woman I am seeking to become as I grow and mature, I will be working hard at keeping my house, that is my very own, organized and in order.  

TTFN!

REE

P.S.There will be pictures coming of the new apartment tomorrow :)

Pondering This Treasure

Luke 1:26-38

...[T]he angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David; and the virgin's name was Mary.  And coming in, he said to her, "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you." But she was very perplexed at this statement, and kept pondering what kind of salutation this was. The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God.  And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end."  Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" The angel answered and said to her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God."  And Mary said, "Behold, the bond slave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her...

Luke 2:1-20

Now in those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus, that a census be taken of all the inhabited earth.  This was the first census taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.  And everyone was on his way to register for the census, each to his own city.  Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David, in order to register alone with Mary, who was engaged to him, and was with child.  While they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth.  And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manager, because there was no room for them in the inn. 

In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night.  And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened.  But the angle said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest,

And on earth peace among men

with whom He is pleased."

When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, "Let us go straight to Bethlehem then, and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us."  So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger.  When they had seen this, they made known the statement which had been told them about the Child.  And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told to them by the shepherds.  But Mary treasured all these things pondering them in her heart.  The shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and seen, just as had been told them.