Saturday, November 30, 2013

Lesson #3 - You Are Not His Mother

Women have a natural tendency to nurture and that is all well and good. I believe 100% that is a God given gift that women can do in a way that men just really can't.  This is a fantastic thing when it comes to children. Husbands, however, tend to get lumped into the category of "things that need raising" rather easily.  We forget they have already been raised.  Sure it was different than you were raised but he obviously turned out well enough for you to marry him didn't he? Whether it is the amount of vegetables he eat, the way he does the laundry, how he does dishes, or how he completes "Honey Do" lists around the house, understand that you do things differently and that does not automatically mean that he is wrong and you are right.  Remember that first lesson?  The main theme that kept coming up over my first year of marriage was I was fussing and worrying over him like I was his mother not his wife.  I would fuss at him if he didn't eat the vegetables I made him.  I fussed at him over little things and sometimes bigger things.  I remember one instance when I fussed at him because he decided to climb a ladder when I wasn't home. My husband was in the middle of painting the outside of our house.  He was working very diligently and was a trooper about the long, arduous, and unfortunately solitary process.Our days off very rarely coincide so the idea of me being home while he was climbing on a very tall ladder to paint trim was a virtual impossibility.  I fussed though.  "If you fall off you are going to get hurt or die and I won't be here to help you. You need to just wait until I can be there to make sure you are safe." Can anyone say, "Yes, mother"?  Now, I had good motive behind my "edict".  I care very much for my husbands health and safety and we had just heard that week of a man falling off of a ladder while no one was home and being very badly injured so I was already on edge.  But my concern and love for him manifested itself all wrong. My husband patiently explained to me the impracticality of my idea and while he applauded my effort at safety it really was not going to help get the house painted in a timely fashion.  As I was driving home from work the day my husband was painting the house I called my mother.  I thought for sure being the practical woman she was she would understand where I was coming from.  After I explained the situation the first thing I heard on the other end of the phone was laughter. Naturally I was taken aback and then I heard her chuckle out these words, "Well, you aren't his mother, Rachel. You are his wife."  I said, "But Mom doesn't it worry you when Dad does stuff like that when you aren't home?" She said, "Well of course it does! But he is an grown man and his life isn't my responsibility anyway. God keeps him alive not me." I said, "Then what do you do in those situations?" She said, "I tell him I love him and I go to work and about my day, praying for him the whole time and am very thankful and relieved that he is in one piece when I return."  It finally clicked for me.  I had gotten it into my head that as his wife I was, somehow, responsible for keeping my husband alive and well.  Somehow, his life was in my hands and I had totally disregarded or forgotten the fact that he is a mature adult who had been climbing on ladders, up trees, on roofs, using power tools and doing all manner of "risky" things for the last 31 years without my guidance, advice or supervision and amazingly enough he had survived! Imagine that!  My concern and mothering was a result of a lack of faith.  I wasn't trusting my husband was smart enough to be careful but most of all I wasn't trusting God with my husband.  In that small silly little moment of clarity I realized that he is not my responsibility.  He is my friend, my husband, my brother in Christ but he is first and foremost God's child not mine and as such he is in far better hands with Him than he is in my own.  


So yes, ladies, we worry.  Sometimes we mother.  A lot of times it has good intentions like being safe and staying healthy.  But ladies remember we married grown men.  Give them the respect and honor they deserve as your husband rather than belittling them as little boys.  By all means, make suggestions and offer potential alternatives but remember that just because you do things differently doesn't make it bad and you aren't his mother.  You are his wife.  So love him, pray for him, have his back, but stop trying to do God's job.  

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Lessons From The First Year...and 19 days


2. Finding the right birth control can take a few tries.
I had never actually been on birth control before we got engaged.  So I had no idea what to expect.  I was not expecting to become crazy.  The first month I was on birth control I literally thought I was going crazy.  I was paranoid and having panic attacks.  I called my doctor's office and I think I scared the poor nurse. All I remember was there was a lot of apologizing and the phone call was much shorter than I was hoping and very unsatisfying because she basically said, "Tough it out, you big baby!" Or at least that was what I heard.  For the next 3 months I was not a happy camper.  Right after we got married I was having a conversation with one of the women in my church about my frustrations and she told me something very discouraging that I had never heard before. "Well sometimes, finding the right birth control can take a few tries." If that wasn't enough she said that her daughter searched for a year to find the right one.  What?! I can't feel like this for a year! I felt out of control of everything.  My emotions where all over the place.  I was crying one moment and screaming the next.  I was depressed for a day then giddy for a few hours.  I had never felt like that in my entire life.  It was so weird.  And honestly it scared me because as a control freak not having control over my own emotional capacities was a HUGE problem! Not to mention my poor new husband was getting the brunt of whatever I happened to be feeling that hour.  I finally got my birth control changed after 5 months of being on it and I was relieved and hopeful.  This will be better.  I will be better. I will be calmer. I will feel like myself again. I will be the woman that my husband fell in love with.  Honestly, I felt like he had been duped because I felt so dramatically different from what I was before.  I just wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted to go back to being nice and liking people and things again.  The second birth control was better. For like a month and then it settled in and I still felt off.  I still couldn't believe the anger I would feel over the smallest things.  I came home from work one day and saw that my husband hadn't put the lid on a storage contain properly and I completely blew my top.  I fumed for over an hour.  I slammed the fridge door so hard I popped one of the trays out of it.  I always had a temper but was never violent and it kind of scared me honestly.  I was on that birth control for 7 long months.  At my next appointment my doctor asked me how things were going , and as I told her some of my frustrations her eyes got big and she exclaimed, "Why are you just NOW telling me this?! You should have called a long time ago and I would have changed it!"  I admitted that I kept putting it off because I was holding out hope it would get better and by the time I realized it wasn't getting better I was due for an appointment so I figured I would just wait it out till I could talk to her in person.  Needless to say, she switched me immediately.  I am very happy and relieved to say that I am MUCH better!  I am much more even tempered. I am much more normal and I think as a result my husband is much happier too.  Although he would say I was never as bad as I thought I was.  He is very sweet.

All of that to say that birth control is crazy.  It can make you do weird and illogical things.  But is can also be a scapegoat for a lot of sin too.  When you are having those crazy feelings it is very important to sit quietly alone in your room away from sharp objects or images of sad puppies and really contemplate where your heart is in all of this.  I have to admit ashamedly there were definitely times that I indulged the hormonal mad woman.  There were times when I would let hurtful words fly because I could and because I wanted to.  There were times when I stomped down the Holy Spirit because I just wanted to be mad and I wanted to punish my husband for some perceived offense. I am not proud of it but it's true.  It is very important to remain keenly aware of yourself while on birth control because although it may feel completely uncontrollable it is more controllable than your sin nature might want you to think.  God doesn't accept the classic"my hormones made me do it" excuse.  But he does forgive it.  He knows your heart better than you do and he knows when you are being just plain sinful.  God and my husband showed me so much grace and forgiveness, which is mercifully par for the course with them because I need it so often.  I am thankful for my husband's practical and tangible example of Christ to me.  God is certainly good.  Wrong birth control is bad and it should be switched. That is why it is so important to pay attention when something is not right to know if the birth control needs to be switched or your attitude needs a good swift kick in the pants and "you got some esplaining to do" and a lot of repenting.  

Monday, November 18, 2013

Lessons From The First Year...and 17 days...

Everyone says that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Part of me wonders if tales of the first year of marriage are much like a good fishing story. Every time you tell the story the fish gains another foot.   Having no other years of marriage to compare it to I guess I would have to agree.  There hasn't been any breaking things.  There haven't been a bunch of slamming doors.  We haven't had to many screaming matches.  We haven't contemplated divorce or murder either.  There has been fighting. There have been tears.  There has been long moments of tense silence. There have been raised voices and huffing and puffing.  Mostly from me. I can only compare my last year of marriage to my many years of singleness.  My single years were much much easier. I could be selfish and totally independent and marriage kind of takes a bulldozer to that lifestyle.  I am not my own person.  I belong to someone.  I am do not have my own schedule.  I have someone to share my time with.  I can't just go off on adventures by myself. I have company for all of my adventures. At times that can be annoying but it is nice having a buddy system most of the time.  The last year has been a concentrated study in what it means to die to self that I never really understood when I was single. It has been realizing that when we fight and have tense moments it is because we are trying to build our own kingdoms.  We are not working together to build God's kingdom. So over this year I have learned more than a few lessons.  I am sure I will continue to relearn them and learn new ones with every year. Here is the first of several lessons I am learning the hard way.



1. It is not a sin to do things differently. 
Whether it is the dishes, the cooking, the sleeping, the toothpaste squeezing, the breathing, etc. You are and your spouse will do things differently.  Think about it. If siblings who grow up under the same parenting and lifestyle can come out polar opposites so can two people who's paths most likely didn't cross until a few years ago.  It is important to remember this is not a sin that must be apologized for.  Your spouse can squeeze the toothpaste from the middle if he wants.  He can choose to soak dishes for 3 days before washing them. Actually that's just gross. Never ever let your spouse do that.  Disgusting! But it's ok that he folds towels differently.  It's ok that when he drives he brakes a little later than you would like.  And no matter how hard you stomp that break peddle will never be on the passenger side.  It's ok that his dirty socks never quite make it to the hamper the first time.  It's ok that he isn't very good at putting left overs into proper food saving containers.  He got them in the fridge at least didn't he? You don't have to nag him or berate him for all these little imperfections that seem on some days to be a very purposeful affront to your idea of bliss because really all they are is how he does things differently.  He is not trying to annoy you. He is just doing things the best way he thinks they should be done and really that is exactly what you are doing too.  It is not something to apologize for.  You were raised different.  You have different personalities and strengths.  It is something to love in your spouse because it is a joy and gift to see how God created two people so very different yet decided that He wanted them together because it would bring about His will and serve His purpose for His glory.  So don't worry about the towels, or the toothpaste, or whatever that thing is that he does that makes you want to pull out your hair sometimes.  He is not sinning.  He is being himself, the himself that you fell in love with, remember?