Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Major Issues...

So as my junior year of college is winding to a close I find that it is very difficult to be patient. My major is interior design...but since I have RUF internship in my sights it is very hard to stay focused on my design classes. I want to be in RUF for as long as God will let me and I feel that I am called to do so. But right now my major has nothing to do with that calling, which is very frustrating. If I wasn't a rising senior I would change my major to ministry or counseling . . . something that would be helpful in at least the next 2 years in RUF, but no. My major is interior design and there is no point in switching majors because I would set myself so far behind. So I will continue sitting through seemingly useless interior design classes and making swatch board after design presentation.

The reason I choose my major was because I felt like that was the only major that I could get that I would actually be interested in and that I could actually survive. Until I was 15 I never thought college was even an option. I was home schooled all my life and I was never really able to grasp academics. It was a constant struggle for my mom and I to get through simple subjects. I can remember (and still struggle with) many times having to read the same paragraph over 20 times before my brain started to recognize the words. It literally felt like I was trying to read a foreign language or like I forgot how to read for a few minutes. It would take me hours to do the same work that my older brother could do in 30 minutes. Many days my mom and I both would end our math sessions in tears from frustration and for me feelings of stupidity because I couldn't understand a simple problem. After getting academic testing I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. To me that translated to "You are not stupid!" It was huge for me and such a relief. My mom asked the specialist if college was an option for me and he specialist gave me hope. Yes I could do college fine as long as I figured out how I learned and what I would have to do to succeed. School was never and is not easy. I have to work my butt off for ever grade I get. I am never going to get the grades or be on the honor role and dean's list like my brother. But I could do college.

Anyway where I was going with that was I wanted to pick something that was easy that could at remotely keep my attention. It held my attention for a few semesters and it was relatively easy for me but it never clicked for me. It was just something to get a degree in. I never felt "called" or that I had a genuine passion for my major. And among my other classmates I felt rather out of place. They were all excited about being the best interior designer they could be. They were excited to be picking out paint swatches for the rest of their lives. People would ask me if I liked my major and my answer was "Yeah I get to look at pictures all day." That was really the only perk I could think of. I started working with clients doing interior design work for the university and it frustrated me working with such picky and ungrateful people who had to have the exact shade of green and the exact vision that they wanted to the extent that it was really confusing as to why the hired me in the first place. This obviously didn't help my desire to design for the rest of my life. So the further I got in to my major the more lost and discontent I became.

Now that I have found RUF and something finally clicked in me and the passion for something was ignited I feel like I am wasting time listening to lectures about fabric and carpet samples. For some reason I am majoring in interior design. For some reason God wants me studying this. I have to admit I honestly have no clue why. I would love to know and maybe God will reveal that to me. Maybe He won't. I have to trust Him and get through my last year. And yes it will be frustrating and yes it will be boring. Yes I will feel like I am wasting my time. But God doesn't make mistakes. God will use this for some purpose whether I recognize that or not.

I have to trust Him . . . and there is the rub. That is where the rubber meets the road and the Lord reminds me how far I still have to go in my walk. That is where I see most clearly that the desire of my heart is my way and my timing. It is in those moments that God by His grace shows me my heart and what I need to work on and what He still loves me amazingly in spite of.

God is so good. God is at work. God will provide.

TTFN
Rach

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Trust Issues

So in all of my research into RUF internship and coming from a military family, I have reached the realization that those two are very similar in one particular aspect. You can request where you want to be placed/stationed but in the end you get sent where you are needed and where you would best fit. And many times as in life your desires do not match your needs and God is always more then happy to show us this.

Something you should know about me is that I am a chronic hypothetical planner. I like to plan out my future to a T. I like to imagine what my "5 year plan" will turn out to be. I like to figure out where I will end up, who will be there with me and how they will come into my life. I like to solve all of the mysteries of my life way in advance so that I can be prepared. The funny thing about all of this is that I actually have no control whatsoever of my future. My planning really should focus on what I going to wear the next morning and what I am going to cook for dinner but those mundane plans are never enough for my roving imagination. I want to plan the big and grand! There wouldn't be so much wrong with that if I didn't get my heart set on MY plans. Thankfully God knows this tendency about me and lovingly knocks me up side the head saying "Hey! Stop trying to do my job. You suck at it." God is slowly and painstakingly teaching me to let go of my agenda and seek his. I am trying very hard not to get my heart set on any one school or even several different schools. It has been in my experience that it is better to focus only on God's will (whatever that might be) and let him take care of it. But still my sinful heart cries out for control. 1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety on him (God) for he cares for you." That has been sort of my mantra and life verse to myself but there is a disconnect. You see, my sinful and untrusting heart doesn't really believe that the God of the Universe who set everything into motion and who created the stars and planets, the skies and seas, the trees and animal, the atom and molecule, the God who holds all of these things in perfect balance really cares about my life. Yes I know in my head that he does and on good days I know in my heart as well. But on most days I just don't believe it. I don't believe that he knows exactly where I need to be; he knows the exact campus minister that will help me serve him better and that will teach me more about God then I knew existed; he knows what students I need and what students need me. He has all of this figured out already and today on this good day I know that wherever he sends me is going to be amazing. I know that even though it will undoubtedly start out lonely and difficult I will have to be torn away from my students and my campus minister. Yes today is a good day and I can trust him. But bad days are coming as they always do where I will begin to doubt and begin to plan again and it is with prayer and many loving and Godly people that I will get through those days and come out trusting my God once again.

TTFN
Rach

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Doings and Musings




Today we went out to Sweet Briar College to hang out with our girls from there. It was an awesome time of fellowship with some great people. The more I do things with RUF the more I am sure this is what I want to do. God just shows me every week how much I need to be doing this. And the more I hang out with these people and get closer to these people the more I wish that things would stay like this forever. Its silly I know but I am going to miss these people like no other when I graduate and leave for my own internship. Its hard for me to believe that I can love my new RUF near as much as I love my current one. I have a feeling that I am going to have a hard time not comparing the two constantly. That is something that I am going to have to be careful of and pray about. Thats not fair to my new RUF so I have to be cautious of that. I am just thankful that I still have another year with these awesome people and I am going to savor every day I have left with them as they help me with my sanctification and growth in maturity, faith, and knowledge of Christian love.

TTFN!
Rachel

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Being Real

Marc, Amy, and Parker have been so loving and welcoming and understanding to all of us through our struggles with life, sin, people, relationships, you name it. I have never felt judged by them or that I have shocked them. They are so understanding and encouraging. They are also very convicting. They don't even have to really say anything all they do is ask questions. That is more convicting then outright explanation. It really gets you to think and evaluate yourself. Something that I have learned through those evaluations and those loving "interrogations" is that we are all broken. We are all a mess. We all don't have everything together. RUF has taught me that it is okay to be real and to be honest. I don't always have to slap a happy face on things or pretend nothing is wrong. I can totally be myself. Because through Christ I am forgiven for my faults and flaws and sins. That being said I want to make sure that I am very honest and real in this blog. So I am just going to put it out there and confess that I am scared about internship. I know that this is what God wants me to do and that this is something that I really want to do but I am scared of not getting accepted. I am scared of being lonely. I am scared of not being accepted. I am scared of not having friends. I am scared of being a horrible intern. I am scared of not raising enough support. I am scared of having to ask for support. I am scared of where I could be sent. I am scared that it might be really far away from my family. I am scared that it might be at a huge school that will be really hard connected with. I am scared that my campus minister and his wife won't be like Marc and Amy. I am scared that the students won't be willing to meet with me and if they do they won't ever want to meet with me again because I said something stupid.

These and a million other fears are whirling around in my head. I know a lot of these are dumb. I know a lot of these things are natural. But I also know that I shouldn't be afraid. I SHOULD trust God. I should cast all my cares onto him. I should rest in the knowledge that this is what God and I both want for my life. Don't get me wrong I am SO excited to do this and I am not having any doubts that this is what I need and want to do but still I can't help the insecurities and fears. I would covet your prayers on this.

TTFN!
Rach

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Introduction II

So I continued attending RUF and my circle of friends grew. I began hanging out with some of them outside of RUF and I really came into my own at RUF. At the end of my first year our Marc made an announcement. There was going to be an RUF intern coming in the summer and she was going to be meeting with girls and ministering to them and we should all add her as a friend on Facebook. This didn't really mean much to me at the time. I didn't really know what the intern would do or if it really mattered to me. But I added Elizabeth Parker as a friend and didn't think much else of it.

The spring semester of 2009 was over and summer was upon us and with that came Summer RUF. We met at Marc and Amy's house and had dinner then an awesome time of study and discussion over the book The Enduring Community by Brian Habig and Les Newsom. This sort of began an outward facing attitude that until that summer had been sorely lacking in my life. Up until that point I cared more about my own spiritual well being then that of anyone else's. No one else mattered really. My spiritual life was between me and God and no one else need stick their nose in my business right? Wrong. We are built for community. We are not meant to enter the doors of a church either single or in our own group of friends, sit down in our group of friends and then as soon as the service is over leave with our group of friends counting it as a success that no awkward conversations were had with people we didn't know. People do this constantly and I know I am guilty of it as well and then they wonder why no one talked to them. They leave the church thinking it an unfriendly and clickish. Well why do they have to be the ones talking? Why can't we actually go up to someone and introduce ourselves? The community street is not one way. We are constantly going to a church with our entitled attitudes expecting to be served and ministered to. Do we ever once go into a church asking "How can I serve and to whom can I minister?" Well through those discussions I began to see that I was failing miserably when it came to community. The Lord really put on my heart and desire to serve for, get this, UNSELFISH reasons! Now don't get be wrong I am still learning how to do that. I still catch myself with ulterior motives to serving. Either for peoples praise or for rewards. I am still constantly having to remind myself that it is for God's glory and because he has commanded me to do this not for my own personal glorification. But praise the Lord I am actually aware of that tendency now and I can remind myself and watch out for those sins.

Well summer closed and school started back up. The intern, Parker as we call her, came and soon began meeting with girls and doing everything that an intern should. RUF had been moved to Marc and Amy's home permanently and new people would poor into their basement every Thursday. As the semester continued Parker did her job and I went about my business until one day I received a Facebook message from her asking to meet with me. I was very intrigued and excited to talk with her one on one. From that meeting on we realized that we had so much in common and we soon became very close. I began seeing what an awesome thing she was doing for the girls at RUF including myself. She was encouraging and a great listener and really made you think about things. It was just what our girls needed, especially me. God really used Parker to peel away the layers of protection and selfishness that were keeping me from seeing God's leading.

In January 0f this year RUF went on a missions trip to the South Side of Chicago. Why we went to Chicago in January I will never fully know but I am so thankful we did. It was there that God really began to work heavily on my heart and begin to whisper his guiding. While in Chicago our main mission was to build relationships with people and the longer we were there the more I learned that my idea of missions was completely skewed. Whenever I had thought of ministry and missions before I got this image of a Preacher thumping his Bible on the street corners or huge revivals where thousands of people came to Christ. But in Chicago God opened my eyes to see that was not the norm. Ministry is building relationships with people. It is being there with them through the hard times and the easy times. It is sitting down with someone and asking genuinely "How are you doing?" It is coming a long side someone and crying with them when they are going through pain. It is laughing and rejoicing with people. It is living for people and serving people just as Christ did when he was here. It is loving people and accepting them in their brokenness because I am broken too. It is reaching out to people and meeting them where they are. As Parker recently told me it is staking up chips with people so that when they ask you why you are the way you are you can cash them in and they will hear and respect you and maybe even come to Christ. On one of the last nights in Chicago I ask Marc and Parker about internship. I had mistakenly thought that it was only for people who were going to seminary after. But they both explained to me that was not the case. As soon as they said that it was like the flood gates opened and I finally knew where God had been leading me all these months. I was finally excited about the future.

Since returning from Chicago the Lord has continued to lay on my heart the need for ministry. He has opened up some doors for ministry here in town and he continues to work on my heart and guide me. I am more committed then ever to the RUF internship and I am so excited to begin the application process. I continue to talk to Parker and Marc to get as much information and advice as I can so that I can be as prepared as possible. I continue to trust God with his leading and lean on him for everything, well at least I am trying :)

I will continue to keep you updated on my application process and my journey. Right now the scariest thought is how will I ever raise all the support. But again God is in control and he will work it all out. I just have to be willing to listen.

TTFN! (ta ta for now)
Rachel