I never would have considered myself a control freak until this semester but it is now glaringly obvious to me. Growing up I always planned things. I mean I have been planning my wedding since I was 3 years old (I wish I was joking). Everything is supposed to go my way. Things are supposed to follow my time lines and my plans. I want my will to be done. I hate not knowing the future. I hate when things don't automatically fall into place. I know what I ultimately want and I don't know any other way to get that except my way. How in the world could God possibly do anything other than the way that I see fit? This is something that I am always catching myself at. When I don't get my way I throw my temper tantrum "like a little two year old who wanted to play in the street with the cars zooming past."
God, why? Why don't things go my way? Why do things seem so right and then end up being completely wrong? What is the point of having desires if I constantly get thwarted in them? What is the point of having a passion if I can't fulfill it? Logically I know there is a purpose but my heart is breaking and has broken so many times. I have been here over and over again and I know that once I get past this point it will be ok but right now I am NOT ok. I am sad, I am lonely, I am scared, I am confused, I am a wreck.
At the end of the day when I lay down in my bed I am left with nothing but tears and asking "God why?" When it is all said and done I crawl into my Father's lap, bury my face in His powerful chest and wet it with my confused tears as He holds me and whispers in my ear, "Trust me. I love you."
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