Growing Up

Looking back on the last year I am absolutely amazed at all the things that have been crammed into this one year.  The last 12 months have been packed with a lot of lessons, a lot of growing up I've had to do and a lot of people all glued together by tears and laughter.

I can honestly say that I have never cried so much in one year in my entire life.  Until this last year I was under the delusion that I was strong.  I thought I was a rock and could handle whatever was thrown at me.  I thought crying was for "girls" and although I was female I was no "girl".  I could take on the craziest of situations and come out on top because I was in control.  I had my stuff together.  I was in the maintenance stage of sanctification really...(I cringe to admit that).  

In one of my early posts I put a song up here called "I Asked The Lord".  As the song states I had no idea what I was getting myself into by praying that song.  I thought I was ready for what God would put me through.  Ha! Yeah right.  Over the last year my security blankets that I had thoughtfully piled around myself have been shredded and exposed as the filthy rags they are (Isaiah 64:4).  What is even more sickening is that even though they have been exposed for what they are I still mourn and weep over them.

So many things haven't gone my way this year.  It seems at every turn God has not answered my prayers the way I think He should.  My grand schemes and designs are foiled every single time.  I can't even tell you how many times this year I have railed against God and begged Him for an answer for His "cruelty".  It isn't cruelty though.  In fact, it is the exact opposite.  How would my life be if I had gotten everything that I have wanted and been refused?  . . . Oh that's awful!  I mean even in the lightest sense if I had married the first boy I had a crush on and wanted to marry when I was little, well let's face it, I would be married to my cousin . . . that is NOT ok.  Now of course that isn't really a serious example but you get my meaning.  If you really look back at all the things that you have wanted and prayed for over your life time don't you cringe a little bit thinking back on what your life would look like now had God's answer been different?

Even though I get hurt and disappointed God is proving Himself far wiser than I.  Even though in the moment I am angry and whiny and confused God shows His provision, maybe not right away but He does.  God is providing in the "Absolutely", the "Absolutely not", and the "Not now." And the beautiful thing about having everything stripped away is that you have no choice but to cling to God because He is all that is left.

So that is what God has been showing me in this last year.  Yes, it has been an incredibly difficult year.  Yes, I am still not sure why certain things that I pray for are not answered with "Absolutely".  No, I do not have everything figured out.  Yes, I am still a broken and filthy mess with a greater awareness of my sins within.  Yes, I still have so much to learn and so much more sin lurking deep down than I realize.  But yes, God is still working.  No, God has not left me to dig my own grave.  Yes, the Gospel is true and it is made more true to my heart and mind everyday I wake up and live life this side of heaven.  I am not the same person I was a year ago and that is a beautiful thing.

Even though life is kind of a jumbled mess I am actually happy.  I am not always smiling and chipper.  But I am happy.  For all those tears I have had, I have had just as much laughter.  So see God provides, even in the little things like laughter.

Well with that, Happy Birthday to me! Thank y'all for sticking with me through all the craziness and here is to another year of whatever God has planned.

Cheers!
Rach~