EWF seeking GOD: Deliver us from the evil one...

If you haven't noticed, it has been a while since I have posted.  And what I am about to write might seem strange to some of you who read this.  Quite frankly, the reason why I haven't written anything is because I have had absolutely nothing I have wanted to say.  Honestly, I have been hiding from my blog and my readers because I have felt like I couldn't be real with you anymore.  Ever since a few days after our engagement I have had this dark cloud hanging over me.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I was getting married!  Shouldn't I be happy?  Shouldn't I be on cloud 9?  Well, before I go any further let me say EMPHATICALLY that this is NOT a broken engagement announcement.  Far from it! 

Last night after my fiance left my apartment I began praying, as I have been for months now.  Father, what is wrong with me? Why am I so negative now? Why am I so insecure? Why am I so spiritually cold? You see since Mark proposed I have been having the hardest time finding joy.  There are moments in the beginning when I was able to basque in God's goodness and blessings as past posts can attest.  But as the wedding date drew closer I began feeling more and more distance between me and, well, everything.  I started reading my Bible more.  It got worse.  I started leading a high school girls Bible study. It got worse.  I started praying more.  It got worse.  I started reading spiritual books on marriage.  It got worse.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  What could possibly be having this kind of effect on me?  Where was this darkness coming from?  It was clear there was nothing medically wrong.  I had just gotten a clean bill of health from my doctor.  And the fact that these feelings were not constant but really only came at very particular times and instances.  They came when I read my Bible; when I prepared my lesson for the high school girls, when I would listen to Christian music, etc.  So what would cause something like this?  And at such odd timing.  I never had a doubt that this is where God wants me and this is the direction He wants me to go and that this marriage is of Him.  Yet my engagement and my spiritual pursuits seemed to be in direct relation to what I was going through.   Mark and my entire relationship is based on a passionate desire for ministry.  We are great encouragement to each other in those pursuits.  We help each other and offer strengths and personal gifts to each other that are otherwise lacking.  We teach each things about God's character and about how He would have us minister and grow in our relationships with Him.  With all of that going for our relationship who could have a problem with it?  So last night as I was praying it struck me.  I was under attack.  Satan has been trying to sabatogue me since I agreed to marry Mark.  Satan has been picking at insecurities in my Father, in my fiance, in the gifts God has given me.  He knows where to attack because he makes it his personal mission to study those in opposition to him.  He has to if he is going to gain any ground in his futile struggle against my Father.  But that is the glorious thing about his struggle. It is FUTILE!  He has no power against the One who holds my future in His hands.  And Satan knows that! But he still fights ever harder.  He can't attack God directly, he can only try to manipulate His people.  Even then only so far as God allows.  Satan is on a leash!  And he is subject to the sovereignty of God.  This not only gives us hope for our own lives but also for every area of life.  Including the election and world news.  Psalm 37 says,

1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

be not envious of wrongdoers!

2 For they will soon fade like the grass

and wither like the green herb.

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.[b]

4 Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,

over the man who carries out evil devices!

8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!

Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,

but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;

though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.

11 But the meek shall inherit the land

and delight themselves in abundant peace.

12 The wicked plots against the righteous

and gnashes his teeth at him,

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he sees that his day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose way is upright;

15 their sword shall enter their own heart,

and their bows shall be broken.

16 Better is the little that the righteous has

than the abundance of many wicked.

17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,

but the Lord upholds the righteous.

18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,

and their heritage will remain forever;

19 they are not put to shame in evil times;

in the days of famine they have abundance.

20 But the wicked will perish;

the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;

they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows but does not pay back,

but the righteous is generous and gives;

22 for those blessed by the Lord[c] shall inherit the land,

but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,

when he delights in his way;

24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,

for the Lord upholds his hand.

25 I have been young, and now am old,

yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken

or his children begging for bread.

26 He is ever lending generously,

and his children become a blessing.

27 Turn away from evil and do good;

so shall you dwell forever.

28 For the Lord loves justice;

he will not forsake his saints.

They are preserved forever,

but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.

29 The righteous shall inherit the land

and dwell upon it forever.

30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,

and his tongue speaks justice.

31 The law of his God is in his heart;

his steps do not slip.

32 The wicked watches for the righteous

and seeks to put him to death.

33 The Lord will not abandon him to his power

or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way,

and he will exalt you to inherit the land;

you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

35 I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,

spreading himself like a green laurel tree.[d]

36 But he passed away,[e] and behold, he was no more;

though I sought him, he could not be found.

37 Mark the blameless and behold the upright,

for there is a future for the man of peace.

38 But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;

the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

39 The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.

40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;

he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,

because they take refuge in him.

How can the Psalmist say these things?  Because death has been overcome!  Because Satan has been defeated!  Christ went to the cross in our place to bring that about!  It is because of His sacrifice.  We are living in the fulfillment of the promise God gives Adam and Eve in the Garden after the fall, that Satan would bruise the heal of the Second Adam but that He would crush his head!  Romans 8 says,

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be[i] against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So this is by no means a post of surrender.  This is a declaration of war.  Because I can guarantee this is just the beginning.  We are venturing into a veritable mine field in a battle for our marriage for the next 50+ years and we are determined to fight for it because God is for us!  So pray along with us now and throughout our marriage.  Pray for strength because it is not in and of ourselves and our own strength.  And God's strength is sufficient.  So pray for a constant surrendering of our lives to Christ and a dying to self that God may be glorified in this marriage.  And pray especially for me that "Strength and dignity would be [my] clothing" and that I would have joy and be able to "laugh at the time to come" (Proverbs 31:25).
God is at work! The Future Mrs. Miller