Who Is This, So Weak And Helpless?

Who is this, so weak and helpless,
Child of lowly Hebrew made,
Rudely in a stable sheltered,
Coldly in a manger laid?
'Tis the Lord of all creation,
Who this wondrous path has trod;
He is Lord from everlasting,
and to everlasting God.

Who is this, a Man of Sorrows,
Walking sadly life's hard way,
Homeless, wearying, sighing, weeping
Over sins and Satan's sway?
'Tis our God, our glorious Savior,
Who above the starry sky,
Is for us a place preparing,
Where no tear can dim the eye.

Who is this behold Him shedding,
Drops of blood upon the ground,
Who is this despised, rejected,
Mocked, insulted, beaten, bound?
'Tis our God Who gifts and graces,
On His church is pouring down,
Who shall smite in holy vengeance,
All His foes beneath His throne.

Who is this that hangs there dying,
While the rude world scoffs and scorns,
Numbered with the malefactors,
Torn with nails, and crowned with thorns?
'Tis our God Who lives forever,
'Mid the shining ones on high,
In the glorious golden city,
Reigning everlastingly.

(c) 1997 Christopher Miner Music.

I woke up with this song in my head. We are singing it on Sunday in church and it gives me chills. When I first heard it I wasn't really a fan but then I actually read the lyrics and now it is becoming one of my favorite RUF hymns. I am currently on a quest to know my God better is hymn is a beautiful and haunting reminder of the sacrifice and propitiation given for me.

What's New

I'm Done with College! Now what?

To clarify I still graduate in May but this coming semester all I have is my interior design internship with Moyanne, which is going to be an awesome experience. Over all I think it is going to be a lot of fun and I know I am going to learn a lot. But I am completely done with all of my classes. This is the weirdest feeling ever. Knowing that I never have to go back to a classroom or take a final exam is crazy! I mean it feels like my entire life has been homework. I literally can't remember not having school. What does one do with oneself post college? I mean, work, I know but still this is just strange. I just kind of wonder what it is going to be like when I don't have grades to benchmark my success in life, haha! Sad but true.

I was having a talk with my intern, Parker, a few nights ago. After many tears I realized that for most of my life I have had a very skewed view of my worth. The way I see it everyone sees me the way I see myself. I'm just the annoying dumb one that doesn't know what she is talking about ever. I am Reformed in my thinking enough to know that my salvation is not contingent on my abilities for which I am incredibly thankful. I would be in an even worse state if God's grace did not tell me otherwise. But nonetheless I realized that I am not doing so great, not as great as I thought anyway (which is nothing new). When it comes to people though I don't want them to know that the dumb annoying little girl is in there hiding and she comes out and reeks havoc. So I play off my insecurities by drawing on my popularity crutch. When I hear friends talk about the amazing grades they get I mask my inadequacies with pride and try to hide the fear in my eyes that they will find out that my intelligence has been a farce from the very beginning.

All of my life I have felt like the dumb kid in the room. Mostly due to struggling in school to figure out how I learn best and trying all the wrong ways first. As I have said in the past many a day growing up I would dread homework with Mom and usually walked away in tears because I was too dumb to understand the simplest things. I think I kind of got into the habit of those thoughts and now I can't seem to shake them. Now that I am done with school and grades perhaps I will be cured of that sort of skewed thinking but probably not. You see, I can't really understand why it is that I want to be smart. I mean in the past I would have said it was because I wanted school to come easier to me so I didn't have to work so hard to get good grades. But now with all of that over I can't figure out why I want to be smart. Maybe because I want peoples praise and adoration or maybe because I just want to have the confidence in myself. At this point I am not really sure so I am going to have to figure that out but either way I shouldn't care so much because I was given the brain I was given for a reason. I know it sounds cliche but its true. I don't know why I wasn't born with brain my brother got. But I can't worry about that. I can't care about that. I have to get over my childish complexes. I can't do it though. I can't just will my way to being complex free. There is no magic formula where I can do A, B, and C and D is the automatic result. As we all know that irks me to no end haha!

But God is good. He is merciful. He is loving and he knows what I need to learn. So I do not ask him to cure me over night. I do not pray that he will make me smarter. I simply ask that he will teach me. If there is one thing that I have learned in RUF it is that we are not supposed to run from trials and pain. We are supposed to accept them and be thankful through them for the lessons they bring and for the growth they inspire.

God is at work!

Latest Correspondence from Emily :)

Dear Rachel,

Thank you for your application! We look forward to reviewing your application and working with you throughout this process.
Please note that your reference requests are sent out shortly after we receive your application. We do contact every reference listed so please be sure you have informed them that they are on your reference list. All references are due by February 1st and we must receive all your references in order to consider you for the position.


Now that you have submitted your application the next step is interviewing. We hold intern interviews in 6 different cities on 6 different dates in February (see list below). You MUST be able to attend one of these interview sessions or have a personal interview with a member of the RUM Atlanta Staff. Post New Year we will confirm with you your interview city, location, and assign you an interview time slot. We will assign you to interview in the city that is closest to your current location. If you are located on the West Cost, Mid-West, or North East we will work on scheduling your interviews on an individual basis if need be.

One week after you interview we will notify you if you will be placed for this coming fall or not. Upon that notification you have until March 1st 2011 to decide if you are 100% moving forward with the internship. We conduct placement of all intern applicants in mid-March and ask that if by March 1st you are unsure of your commitment to the internship you withdraw your application. We understand that many applicants are applying for other positions but applicant drop-outs after we place them on a campus creates huge issues for this process so we ask that you please make a commitment by March 1st to the internship. We understand if you cannot make this commitment and if that is the case we ask that you please remove your application for placement.

If you have any questions over any step of this process please do not hesitate to contact your Campus Minister or Emily Larsgaard. Thank you again for your application!

Interview Dates and Locations
Monday, February 7th in Charlottesville, VA (that's me!)
TBD in Charlotte, NC
TBD in Chattanooga, TN
TBD in Atlanta, GA
Friday February 18th in Jackson, MS
Tuesday February 22nd in Dallas, TX

Emily S. Larsgaard

"Hi, I Am Rachel and I Am A Control Freak"

I never would have considered myself a control freak until this semester but it is now glaringly obvious to me. Growing up I always planned things. I mean I have been planning my wedding since I was 3 years old (I wish I was joking). Everything is supposed to go my way. Things are supposed to follow my time lines and my plans. I want my will to be done. I hate not knowing the future. I hate when things don't automatically fall into place. I know what I ultimately want and I don't know any other way to get that except my way. How in the world could God possibly do anything other than the way that I see fit? This is something that I am always catching myself at. When I don't get my way I throw my temper tantrum "like a little two year old who wanted to play in the street with the cars zooming past."

God, why? Why don't things go my way? Why do things seem so right and then end up being completely wrong? What is the point of having desires if I constantly get thwarted in them? What is the point of having a passion if I can't fulfill it? Logically I know there is a purpose but my heart is breaking and has broken so many times. I have been here over and over again and I know that once I get past this point it will be ok but right now I am NOT ok. I am sad, I am lonely, I am scared, I am confused, I am a wreck.

At the end of the day when I lay down in my bed I am left with nothing but tears and asking "God why?" When it is all said and done I crawl into my Father's lap, bury my face in His powerful chest and wet it with my confused tears as He holds me and whispers in my ear, "Trust me. I love you."

RUF Intern Application

I got my internship application! This is becoming so real! It is starting to get down into the nitty gritty. It is becoming serious. It is not just a fun idea anymore and that is exciting and scary at the same time. I finished filling out the application Monday night and let me tell you, those questions were not easy. The toughest question was "What do you feel are your weaknesses." It really causes you to face your total depravity. The generic answers first came to mind like pride and not reading my Bible every day but then I really started thinking about it. It was quite convicting. I just kept thinking as I answered that question these people are not gonna want to hire me. About the only thing I have going for me is I love people. But the beauty of RUF is that it encourages honesty. It encourages realistic views of your sin nature. They are not looking for perfection. They are not looking for someone who has never made mistakes or who thinks they have never sinned or that they have it all together. That is one of the biggest things that I have learned from RUF is that I am not ok. I do not have it all together.

1 John 2:1-2

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin.

But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father - Jesus Christ,

the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for our sins

but the sins of the whole world."

This verse is so encouraging. I love it because it starts out with an unattainable goal. When you begin reading it your first thought is "Oh man I am out now." And then there is the most beautiful word in the Gospel, but. God knows that we cannot keep His law perfectly so He provides a way. He provides His Son. My weaknesses are taken and Christ's strengths are given to me. My weaknesses are no longer counted against me because Christ has taken my place and has taken on my weaknesses and taken the full brunt of my punishment for me. I will not boast in anything but Jesus Christ, my Lord. Praise God!

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Tomlin and Giglio

Amazing grace how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me,

I once was lost, but now I am found,

Was blind but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fear relieved,

How precious did that grace appear,

The hour I first believed.

My chains are gone, I've been set free,

My God, my Savior has ransomed me,

And like a flood His mercy reigns,

Unending love, amazing grace.

The Lord has promised good to me,

His word my hope secures,

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

My chains are gone, I've been set free,

My God, my Savior has ransomed me,

And like a flood His mercy reigns,

Unending love, amazing grace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,

The sun forbear to shine,

But God, who me here below,

Will be forever mine.

Will be forever mine.

You are forever mine.

C.S. Lewis

"A man who is eating or lying with his wife, or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness, and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach and reading Plato in a state of pride."

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

Three Principles for Internship

Three Principles in which the intern must understand and be committed too:

1. The Bible is the Word of God given through men by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

· The Scriptures are trustworthy, inerrant, infallible and authoritative.

· The Scriptures are sufficient to reveal God, the way of salvation, and the will of God for men.

· The Scriptures are clear enough to be understood by any Christian using ordinary means with the aid of the Holy Spirit.

2. Justification is God reconciling sinners to Himself in Christ.

· Justification is God’s declaring the believer forgiven of all his sins on the basis of Christ’s bearing the guilt and penalty of his sins on the cross.

· Justification is God’s declaring the believer righteous on the basis of the imputation of Christ’s righteousness to him.

· Justification springs from God’s free grace and is received by faith alone.

· A proper understanding of justification leads to:

1. A Christian’s continual acknowledgment that his acceptance by God is based totally on the work of Christ.

2. A Christian’s understanding that justification is the foundation for all subsequent Christian life and experience.

3. A Christian’s knowledge that sanctification necessarily flows from justification.

3. Sanctification is God conforming sinners to the image of Christ by the work of His Spirit.

· In sanctification the believer is increasingly enabled to die unto sin and live unto righteousness.

· In sanctification the believer is progressively renewed in the whole person after the image of Christ.

· A proper understanding of sanctification leads to:

1. A continual engagement by the believer in the means of grace, including prayer, meditation, mortification of sin, worship and fellowship.

2. A recognition by the believer that the means of grace are means by which he is aided in his responsibility to seek holiness.

3. An attitude of dependence upon the Holy Spirit for growth in grace.

4. A clear understanding of the dynamic tension between justification and sanctification; that is, sanctification springs from justification and justification is the continual ground for sanctification.

5. A confidence that God will bring the work of sanctification to completion in glorification.

Steps in Applying for Internship and Placement

Steps in Applying for Internship

Bullets in red are steps completed as of today:

· First and foremost those interested in the internship must talk with their Campus Minister and inform them of their interest. The campus minister will guide students through this process.

· Those interested then must have their campus minister, or themselves personally, contact the intern administrator in the RUF National Office. The administrator then send those interested the intern application, answer any further question they may have, and will be sure to email those interested with regular updates concerning application deadlines and interview information.

· Applications will be emailed out to those seriously interested by November 2010

· Applications are to be submitted to the intern administrator by December 31^st, 2010

· If the application is approved applicants must attend one of the five nationwide interview sessions in the spring (more details on dates and locations TBA).

· If approved post interview, applicants will be assigned a campus by mid-March and informed of placement by late March. If any applicant is unsure of their commitment to the internship by mid March we ask they not apply.

· Those hired will begin some development work in May and will begin full time fundraising June 1^st.

This will also give you a good time line to know what you can be praying for as each step comes a long.

Placement

Interns are placed on any campus across the nation dependant on several factors:

· Where returning interns are placed

· Male or Female Applicant

· Number and type of campus minister request received for that year

· Number of intern applications received for that year

· Personality of intern applicant

· Personality of campus minister

· Demographics and personality of campus

· Need and size of RUF at the campus

· Applicants ability to raise money

· Finances of individual RUF

· Local factors; church, peer group, size of city, location of city

Please note: Applicants will NOT be placed on the campus from which they graduated or with a former campus minister. If the applicant is NOT willing to move wherever they are placed we ask they NOT apply.

Defining the RUF Internship

All the subsequent information is from the Intern Informational Packet. There will be quite a few posts from this packet so you can be in the loop as to the process that is ahead of me! Hope you enjoy!

Title: Campus Intern

Duration and Objective: Two Year Minimum in which the internship provides the intern with the opportunity to try vocational ministry; an opportunity to learn strengthen and weakness and develop gifts for both secular and ministerial jobs.

Focus and Responsibility: An intern’s student focus is primarily fringe students with little connection to RUF, freshman, and new students. The purpose is to develop relationships with these students to help equip and disciple them for life and service as a believer and to reach out to non-believers. Responsibilities include but are not limited to:

· Raising Support – interns must raise a budget of at least $31,000 each year

· Staff Trainings – interns must attend June Orientation, July Staff Training, and October and May Intern Training

· Study Program – interns must spent 15hrs a working on a rigorous study program

· One on one interactions with students – interns spent most one on one interactions with fringe and new students. Interns need to identify the spiritual condition of those students and determine how they will minister to those depending on each students need

· Assistance with or leading small groups of various kinds – groups include core group, Bible studies, Freshman lunch, prayer groups, etc

· Assisting the CM with ministry goals and strategy

· Campus and RUF social events

· Large Group

· Conferences and mission trips

· Communicating with supporters the accomplishments and needs of ministry – interns must send out quarterly newsletters to communicate with support base

Funding: Intern funding comes primarily from individuals and one or two supporting churches that the intern has a personal relationship with. Church support must be approved through the Atlanta Office.

And So it Begins... :D

I checked my email today and this was what was waiting for me! Oh my gosh! It is sooooo exciting!

Afternoon!

You are receiving this email because at some point within the past year you have expressed interest in the Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) intern program. We are so excited to have so many students interested in our internship program!

As a brief overview the RUF internship is a two year opportunity to serve in vocational ministry. RUF is the college ministry of the Presbyterian Church in America and is located on hundreds of campuses nationwide. Interns will serve two years under a PCA ordained campus minister on an assigned campus anywhere in the nation. The purpose of the internship is to allow the intern a chance to test and develop their gifts. From leading small groups, to planning social events, to one on one student meetings interns have the chance to explore their strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes all while helping to serve RUF at large.

Attached is a packet of information providing further detail on the program as well as a more detailed overview and application outline. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me, Emily Shriver, the intern administrator. I am happy to walk you through this process and to further explain why the RUF internship is a wonderful experience for anyone wanting the chance to explore vocational ministry.

You will continue to receive intern information updates and the Fall 2010 application later this fall. However, if you wish to be removed from this mailing list please reply with the subject “no mail”. We will promptly remove your name.

Thank you again for your interest in our program and I am looking forward to meeting many of you through the coming months!

Emily Shriver

Reformed University Fellowship

Intern and Female Staff Administrator

eshriver@ruf.org

404.775.0343

ruf.org

Fall Conference 2010 and Raising Support

Fall Conference 2010

So last weekend was Fall Conference for RUF and it was AWESOME! I had so much fun! For those of you who don't know what Fall Conference is allow me to explain. It is a RUF retreat for all the RUFs in VA to get together and hear solid preaching and fellowship. I was so glad that I was able to go this year. This is the only year that I will be able to go as a student and I wanted to get a students perspective before I went as an intern. It was great to see what my future students will get to enjoy and I look forward to getting an inside view if you will as an intern next year, Lord willing.

I was also blessed with the opportunity to lead worship for the weekend with my Lynchburg RUF worship team. It was such a great honor and blessing to sing amazing songs of praise to the God who loves me beyond belief! God's love was definitely made very evident in those 3 days!

Internship News -

While there I was able to sit down with some interns from other schools to get their perspective on their experience. It was awesome to be able to hear what their challenges were and what God has been doing in them through the internship. It got me even more excited.

Now that I am meeting with Marc and Parker on a regular basis to prepare me for internship it is becoming more real to me. And with that excitement comes a lot of nerves. As I have stated in my past posts I am nervous about being a good intern and about support raising. Well lately God has really been helping to ease my nerves about being a good intern. Not to say that I am fully confident that I am going to rock at this. Haha! Far from it but I am able to rest in Him knowing that He is in control and He will be leading me through the process and the one on ones that are ahead of me.

Future Fears of Raising Support

Support raising still however scares me to death. $32,000 is a LOT of money to raise. And that is just for 1 year. I have to do it again the second year. And that is just the minimum. Depending on where I get sent I could end up having to raise more! I have to call, email, speak to people and ask them for money!

I am the type of person who likes to do things myself. I don't really like asking for help when it comes to responsibilities and support raising goes against all of that. I have to humble myself by admitting that I CAN'T nor should I do this myself and that I NEED many people to give me substantial amounts of money. Oh that thought makes me cringe! Part of me just wants to work my butt off for the next few months and crank out as much funds as I can. But I know that is ridiculous. There is NO WAY that this can be done alone. Nor am I expected too! Still it is quite daunting.

How in the world am I going to be able to raise all of that money? I have heard other people try to raise money for missions trips and organization. It is hard! A lot of people just sit there and listen and then walk away with out a second thought. I must admit I have been among those people on many occasions. How am I going to make people understand my passion for this and my desperate need for funding? How do I get people to want to give to me? How do I get people to believe in RUF like I do? How do I get people to believe in me? How can I raise money from people who are already supporting my campus minister and his family? How do I get my largely Baptist extended family to want to support me in a Reformed campus ministry?

All of these questions and worries are getting more and more apparent as my school grows quickly to a close. Even now as I am still months away from support raising I would covet your prayers on all of these worries and that even now months out God would be paving the ways and moving in those people to be my future supporters.

All of that being said I still want to do this more then ever. I still feel God leading me to do this and I know that if this is indeed His will that I will get the supporters. I must rest in His will and His provision and pray constantly for His comfort, peace, courage and wisdom. I would love for you to join me in those prayers.

TTFN

Rach~

Just a Little Liturgy

Liturgy is fundamentally the order of worship. Something that my church, Mercy Presbyterian and many other churches, do is a two part tradition of Confession with an Assurance of Pardon as a part of our liturgy. The first part is usually a time of personal confession including and followed by a cooperate prayer of confession lead by an elder. After this the elder or pastor reads to us a passage from Scripture as our Assurance of Pardon. So there is a little background for those of you who might not be familiar with something like this. That being said here is a bit of personal and possible coorperate liturgy :)

Lately God has been showing me very clearly how incredibly arrogant I am. I assume that I know best. I think I have everyone figured out. I think I have myself figured out. Just thinking about it I am flooded with two thoughts. One of disgust and one of laughter at my own ridiculousness. Nothing puts me in my place faster then Job 38:1-42:6. The passage is really long but it only proves how much God does that we have no comprehension and no awareness of. We don't know the first thing about how to run a universe. For crying out loud we can't even figure out our own lives! My favorite verse of this passage is 38:2-3:

"Who is this that darkens My counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you will answer Me."

And that is just the beginning. How could we even think that we have any right to question God's will? Where do we get off trying to tell God how its done? I have to confess I like planning my future. As I said in my last post I like everything wrapped up in nice paper with a big bow. I like to know what to expect with my life. Well news flash to Rachel! Fat chance!

"He looks down on all that are haughty; He is King over all that are proud." (Job 41:34)

You would think that I would get it by now that planning doesn't work. But no. I still lay in bed at night as I am falling asleep imagining what will happen in a few months or years time. And I am always surprised when they don't go my way! HA! Now you see why laughter is one of my reactions. I am utterly ridiculous. My only prayer after this passage is that my response to God's direct rebukes would be the words of Job in 42:1-6:

"Then Job replied to the Lord: I know that You can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted. You asked 'Who is this that obscures My counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things to wonderful for me to know. You said 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you and you will answer Me.' My ears have heard You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

God's assurance of pardon:

"But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well." (Luke 12:31)

God is Sovereign

So it has been far to long since I have updated this. So many distractions have happened between the last post and now. Some were good; some were painful; a lot were both. There are two final chapters in the Gospel in Life that I would like to talk about in a different post. For now I feel like I should really address something that has been on my mind and heart for weeks now.

God is sovereign. Now when looking at that simple sentence that doesn't seem very controversial but it takes on a whole new meaning when you really begin to unpack that. The hallmark answer is God is in control of everything and has a plan for everything. He works in mysterious ways and His timing is not our own. Well that's safe enough. I'm ok with that. But when I am faced with it head on God's sovereignty takes a turn from the sunshine and rainbows to the nitty gritty and I am not as ok. I don't understand why He does things the way He does. I don't know why things that in theory seem to be something amazing and God honoring end up not working out. It doesn't make sense and I honestly don't like it. I want all the puzzle pieces to fit! I want everything to make sense and be tied up in a neat little package with nice wrapping paper and a big bow. I want everyone to be on the same page. I want to have the perfect explanation that can't be argued or disagreed with (and not just for my sake). I don't want to be tormented by a decision that I feel the Lord is leading me to make. I don't want to lose sleep over my choices. I don't want to hurt others with decision they can't understand. In those times and during those moments some how "God is sovereign" just doesn't seem to cut it. Why? Because I have a distorted view of who God is and what His sovereignty means. I have a distorted idea of the Gospel. If I understood correctly what it means for God to be sovereign, beyond the hallmark answer, I wouldn't be mad that things aren't going my way and that God continues to throw a wrench into my perfect plans. I wouldn't be trying to tell Him how to do His job. His sovereignty means that all the puzzle pieces don't have to fit and my life can be wrapped in a slopping plastic bag tied in a knot because in all of this, there HAS to be faith. In all of that messiness is a desperate need for faith and trust just in order to get through. If God made all of our wildest dreams come true we would never NEED Him. We would never call on Him. He would be just a big Santa Claus in the sky. Now please don't think that I am saying it is wrong to not understand. Please don't come away from this post thinking that you have to slap a pretty smile on your face and keep saying "God is at work" like a mantra. Did Jesus do that in the garden of Gethsemane? Obviously not.

God takes us through these times so we know Who to run to. He drags us, often times, kicking and screaming because He sees the big picture. God gives us the reigns for a few moments so we can see just how badly we screw it up without Him. All of this is to show our need of Him. Our lives are constant reminders of the Gospel and how much more we have to learn of it.

God I still don't understand. I still wish that I could learn my lessons the easy way. I still wish that I could make sense of all of this and that people didn't get hurt from my learning process. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." Lord make that my prayer as I figure life out and seek to follow Your will in all things. I need You.

"I know the Lord is nigh,
And would but cannot pray,
For Satan meets me when I try,
And frights my soul away,
And frights my soul away.

I would but can't repent,
Though I endeavor oft,
This stoney heart can ne'er relent,
Till Jesus makes it soft,
Till Jesus makes it soft.

Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
My help must come from Thee.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have power to move,
A soul as base as mine,
A soul so base as mine.

I would but cannot rest,
In God's most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best,
And murmur at it still,
I murmur at is still.

Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
My help must come from Thee."

I Asked The Lord

We sing this song in RUF and the words are so humbling. They really got a hold of my heart and showed me just how clueless I am to the ways of God. It also showed me how I need to welcome trials because it is through these that God seeks to answer my prayers. I have to stop praying for God to make things easy for me. I am never going to learn that way! But by the His grace and His Son's blood I have hope that I will get better! Lord have Your way with me, Hallelujah!

(c)2004 double v music (ASCAP). Words: John Newton (alt. Laura Taylor). Music: Laura Taylor

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

7. “These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go - George Mattheson

George Mattheson wrote this on the eve of his sister's wedding. A few years previously George had been engaged to be married himself, however, when he began going blind his bride-to-be decided that she could not handle the responsibility of taking care of a blind husband and left him. His sister decided to take him in and take care of him. But now on that night his sister was going to start a new life with her new husband. Mattheson did not let the sadness distract him from his Savior's love. He sat down and in that one sitting he penned this beautiful hymn of ever lasting love. God has used this hymn in my own life many times bringing to it mind when I am at my lowest. I thought there might be some out there that would benefit from reading these encouraging words.

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Work and Evangelism

So again I kind of let my posting slip a little bit so in order to keep y'all in the loop I again will cover two weeks worth of RUF in one post. As it turns out the two weeks flow quite smoothly in and through each other so that makes my job an easy one.

"You know what work reminds me of? ... The Gospel!" -

So there is a quote from our late chancellor and founder that floats around my schools campus. "If it's Christian it should be better." Now for the past 3 years I have to admit that I had let cynicism dominate and disregard that statement much to my detriment. This was because I was looking at the visible church not the invisible. After reading the chapter on work my perspective took a drastic shift. If we are Christians we are commanded to be better! It's not just a nice thought or inspirational anecdote. As a lazy person I like to think that work was part of the fall. If Adam and Eve hadn't screwed up I could sleep all day and get up when i feel like it. I could sit around reading or watching TV and just reveling in idleness. False. In Genesis 1:26 God says "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." I don't know about you but to me that sure sounds like a job. There was nothing in there about sitting around and reveling in idleness. And to be honest my sinful lazy heart is not really happy about that. But I can't deny it. Work was part of God's plan from the very beginning.

So that being said what does that mean Godly work should look like? What does that mean the 7:00am-3:30pm Monday through Friday should look like for me? Well there has to be a switch of motivations. I should be motivated to get out of my nice warm bed at the crack of dawn by the Gospel. I should be motivated to have the Gospel so desperately infused in my life that there is a difference in the way I get to a meeting on time, the way I act in said meeting, the way I respond to my employer when he wants a project done by yesterday, the way I answer my phone. Now of course I am not saying just slap a happy and I might add creepy fake smile. But if the Gospel truly engulfs our lives isn't there an under lying joy that should emanate from us even through the stress and difficult times? (I can feel the temptation for a rabbit trail but I will save that for another post.) Should I not be seeking to carry myself in such a way that coworkers and clients see and wonder at the joy that is within me? Shouldn't my work be a form of evangelism? That being said...

Evangelism -

So I recently went on a mission trip to Chicago back in January. But while there my entire view of evangelism was turned upside down and inside out. Until Chicago the word evangelism evoked mental images of Robert Tilton and Billy Graham. It made me think of soap boxes and street corners, tracks and bible thumping. Well that is the romantic and TV worthy evangelism and yes it brings many people to Christ but there is another form that is in my estimation the best kept secret of the church. Relationship. I have already touched on this in previous posts but evangelism is a commitment. Tim Keller spoke of "Oikos" or Household Evangelism. That is to say that evangelism is investing in someones life and getting to know them on a level that most others don't care to know; to know them and their family. It's showing your love for them through Christ. It's showing them that maybe, just maybe their preconceived notions of Christ and His followers are wrong. It's as my dear intern says "stacking up the chips to cash them in later."

Now something you should know about me is that I am very much a "fix-it" type of person. I like to come in give a quick fix response, have people "oh" and "ah" over my amazing wisdom and then have people follow my advice and be done with it. Well surprise surprise that's sin. Its not about me. Its not a get in and get out situation. You can't just slap a band aid on someones heart and expect it to stick. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes follow through. It takes dedication. And in the air of honesty I am sorely lacking in all of those. But I know what I am commanded and I know what I need to do. And I know that I have the Holy Spirit on my side and He will fill in where I lack. (Side thought/rabbit trail: the more the Holy Spirit fills in where I am lacking the less of me is left. I look forward to being completely filled with the Holy Spirit so that I can stop sabotaging my life and others).

God grant me the patience and grace to evangelize as I am commanded and humble me to let it be your words that flow from me and not my own sinful ones.

Latest Outing for the RUFians

In other news...my RUF family and I went hiking up on Sharp Top mountain which is a gorgeous hiking spot up in the Blue Ridge Mountains about 30 minutes from school.

Pictures courtesy of Mary Engel

Yeah VA is gorgeous!

A Little Behind

So I know I said I would keep you updated on Summer RUF study but I have let a few weeks slip by. Sorry about that. Chapter 3 which is on Idolatry really threw me for a loop spiritually and it has taken this long to process and get comfortable with honesty on the subject in my own life. I'm going to try and kill two birds with one stone if I can and cover the last 2 chapters that we have done since my last post. So here it goes...

Idolatry -

So what can I say other then wow am I a sinner. You know a lot of times I get into a personal high where I feel like I am doing pretty good with this whole Christian thing. And then there are sermons or passages in scripture or RUF lessons that show me just how horribly clueless I am about the sins that are clutching so tightly to my heart. Idolatry is just one of many I can assure you but for the sake of time and to avoid rabbit trails we will stick with this one.

Tim Keller brought up an interesting point. When you are alone in your room or car or anywhere and you have no other real distractions what is it that your mind automatically goes too? What is your favorite subject to dwell on, talk about, and worry over? He said that the way to find out what is taking the place of God is to picture your worst nightmare. Is your worst nightmare being rejected by people? Is it having your life not go as planned? For me it's being alone. I know sounds depressing huh? Well its true. When I am by myself and thinking my mind automatically runs to my favorite subject who, when, and will i marry? What I want more then anything in the world is to be a wife and mother like that of Proverbs 31. I want to be a good helper to my husband and I want my children to have the best God honoring mother they can have. And those are NOT bad things to want! This is where it gets dicey. It is good to want those things. We are created to want to be with someone. God said it is not good for man to be alone so he made a helper suitable for him. The problem comes in when you are more focused on that then God's provision, mercy, love, righteousness, and holiness. Even though these are good things to want they cannot take the place of God. God is a jealous God. You shall have no other gods before Him.

Community -

Last year Summer RUF did an entire study just on this one subject. It was a very eye opening and humbling study and last Thursday was no different. It was wonderful having a refresher on the subject. For the most part I believe that community, especially after the study last summer and the many talks from Marc and Amy, is something that we are actually starting to get the hang of in RUF and I feel like a little bit of that is spilling over into other areas of life. One thing though that God is working very directly with me on is learning how to get over myself and my preferences to be welcoming and loving towards people who are outside of my comfort zone for whatever reason. As a future intern I can see why God is working on my heart so feverishly now. I have such a long way to go still, but God is moving and I pray with the help of the Holy Spirit that I can get this down.

Something that He reminded me of during RUF was that if God listens to our complaints and our skewed views of the way we think things should go, if He draws us to Himself despite our personalities, despite our annoyances, despite His comfort zone, how much more should we welcome others into our lives and hearts? God not only deals with us but He calls to us and WANTS us to come to Him and rely on Him no matter how ridiculous or annoying we get. God doesn't get annoyed at us, He doesn't roll His eyes when we come to Him for the millionth time asking forgiveness for the same sin or just down right complaining that life isn't fair. Wow! If the Creator of the universe desires me in spite of myself that much then I should be more then willing to do the same for people who are no worse then me. It shouldn't be hard for me to listen, encourage, forgive, love, and pray with and for someone when the Triune God does all those things for me perfectly in a way that can never be measured or duplicated.

As I have gone through the last several days God has gradually been showing me areas in which idolatry and lack of a desire for community has crept into my life. I am so thankful that God does not leave me to myself. He does not leave me to wallow in my sin. He does not listen to me when I cry out against Him. He draws me in and shows me my great need for Him. I am His daughter and nothing will change that. No one will pluck me from His hand not even me. Thank you God!

3 Ways to Live

So last night at RUF we continued in Tim Keller's book Gospel in Life and the second chapter is entitled "Heart: 3 Ways to Live." It was all about our motivations for living the way that we do. These three ways are A) religious: doing good works to receive personal praise or recognition to prove our worth to God, out of fear of what God will do to us if we don't do good things or because we feel like God will owe us something if we do good things. B) Irreligious: either not doing good things at all or simply out of common courtesy, to make ourselves look good in man's eyes. C) the Gospel: doing good things because of a desire to serve God out of gratitude to a loving Father and Savior.

We had two different examples from the Bible. One was the Pharisee and the tax collector who were praying in the synagogue. We looked at it and kind of dissected the passage in Luke 18:9-14. There is so much beauty in the details of this passage that is so easy to skim over. As I began reading that passage I couldn't help but think, well is it wrong to be thankful that God's grace saved me from being cruel, judgmental, unforgiving, unloving, and countless other adjectives that I would for the sake of time prefer not to list? I read the Pharisee's prayer and after much discussion with the group I realized there was a huge piece missing. In verses 11 and 12 he says "God I thank you that I am not like other men." He goes on and lists his qualities but never once does he acknowledge that he has any sin within him or anything to repent of. He has got it all together. He tithes and he fasts and that is what makes him good. He makes it as if God made a him a perfect creature not as a broken sinner in need of grace.

Then there is the stark contrast of the tax collector. For some reason I had this miss conception growing up that the tax collector must have just become a Christian and we are privy to his conversion that is why his prayer is "Have mercy on me the sinner." But now I realize that's not the case. The tax collector simply has a true understanding of what he is and what he needs most. You notice that he is not praying "Dear Lord, my wife has been driving me nuts, so give me patience. Oh and Johnny has been having trouble at school with bullies so please be with him. And my boss has really been riding me this week so just help with the stress." No his first and only priority is "God have mercy on me the sinner." He knows who he is talking too. He is not talking to some powerfully genie in the sky or Santa Claus. No he is talking to the supreme and ultimate Being. The Judge of the world. The One who has the right to turn away from him in disgust. "God have mercy on me the sinner." God shows us mercy by just hearing us. Let alone forgiving us through his Son. Whoa!

The second Biblical example was that of the Prodigal Son. This held a lot of new concepts that I never thought of before. Luke 15:11-32. The story is a beautiful one of redemption and love. I can many times relate to the younger brother. The younger brother who has the loving Father who comes out to meet me while I am still a long way off. The younger brother who has the perfect Older Brother who willingly gives up his rewards that he rightfully deserves so that I can be welcomed back to the family. But I also find that the older brother has some pretty compelling arguments for my sinful heart.

I often see other's getting things that I want. People who in my mind don't deserve it. People who waste everything my Father gives them yet in the end they get the fatted calf and the robes and ring. They get what I want! They get what I cry and plead for. They get what I deserve. They get MY reward for what? For doing such a good job? No for just showing up! Those people who have never done a thing for our Father get MY stuff. But stop right there. You can't do anything for your Father either, Rachel. You are just as much at your Father's mercy as your siblings. You might think you have done wonderful things for God. But your motives...What are your motives? The Gospel? Religion or Irreligion? 99.9% of the time it sure ain't the Gospel.

I need to be hooked up to the Gospel IV. I need to be infused with the Gospel so much that I cannot separate it from my core. I need it to be so intricately woven in to my DNA that I can't tell were the Gospel begins and I end. I need to be the Gospel. God take my heart and purge me of all vain works and selfish deeds. Rid me of the filth that is within me. And in its place put the Gospel. Have mercy on me the sinner.