*Trigger Warning*

Why can't we rejoice or weep with each other anymore? Why do we feel entitled to people tip-toeing around our triggers? We have managed to make everything about ourselves. A friend shares an exciting thing with us and it triggers our lack or loss of said thing. A friend shares a sorrow and it triggers how our sorrow is deeper. Friends can't share in joy anymore. Friends can't hurt with each other. This is so isolating! We have come to see our own interests as more important than others. Your struggle is not as real as mine. Your joy rips the bandage off my raw pain. We are so preoccupied with our own lives and situations that we allow our triggers to supersede our love.

We constantly have to label our lives with trigger warnings because somewhere someone will be triggered into something painful. There is pain everywhere. This sin sick and fallen world is teaming with surprising and unspeakable ways of hurting us and leaving deep throbbing wounds in us that never quite heal right. We cry out to God for healing and sometimes we don’t get the answer we want. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like we get an answer at all. This thorn in our flesh, the one that digs and tears at us, the one that even the slightest touch triggers lightning bolts of pain through every nerve is real. This world is not as it should be and as a result we hurt.  The remedy to that hurt is not isolation though. That is what happens when we avoid people for fear of them triggering our hurt. We isolate and remove ourselves from the very thing that could be the vessel God uses for our solace. Isolation is the Devil’s playground. He wants you to be alone. If you are alone he can be uninterrupted in whispering his lies to you.

We spend our energy shielding our triggers and hiding from the pain but as we live life we find that more and more triggers manifest themselves. These losses, those unmet expectations, this betrayal, and that tragedy begin to add up faster than we thought possible. If we spend our lives trying to shield our triggers, pretty soon we will just remove ourselves from all of those things that God brings into our lives to enact healing and redemption. Christ was well acquainted with loss, betrayal, and tragedy. Isaiah prophesied that Christ would be “despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering and familiar with pain” (Isa. 53:3a) and the writer of Hebrews declares that “we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but one who was tempted in every way just as we are, yet without sin.” Jesus knew all about triggers. Hebrews’ author doesn’t stop there but continues on with hope, “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:15-16) You will notice that it doesn’t say “Therefore let us draw away from people and things that will trigger us so that we can avoid pricking those raw nerves.” No! It says draw near to the THRONE with CONFIDENCE! Hallelujah! Our High Priest who is our Intercessor takes those triggers and he redeems them. He might not heal them in the way that we expect or hope for but he redeems them for a purpose. 

Paul proclaims, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:12). This verse gets a bum rap but in the face of these wounds it is our hope and our life line! God is at work in ALL things!  And he has a purpose for it! Our wounds are not arbitrary just as Jesus’ wounds weren’t.  The greatest evil that ever happened, the death of the Son of God was not without purpose! His death was to redeem a wounded and wounding people.  We too are called to die. We are called to die to ourselves, to our sinful nature and its passions and desires (Gal. 5:24). “Greater love has no man then this that he should lay down his life for a friend” (John 15:13). That might mean literally laying down our physical lives for our friends but that is not going to be everyone’s specific calling. So what does that mean for everyone else? That means that we lay down our lives by setting aside our triggers, by running to the throne confidently and laying those triggers and that pain at the pierced feet of Jesus. That means allowing God to take those wounds and use them as He used His Son’s, for redemption.

To redeem means to buy at a cost. Our redemption cost God is Son. God is in the redeeming business and therefore, by association so are we. In order to be used in the incredible and holy act of redemption it is going to cost us something. It is going to be painful. It is not going to be easy. But it should be viewed for the privilege that it is. To be used for the glory of God and the redemption of others is a sacred privilege that is only ours through Christ.  That means that when we leave our pain and triggers at the throne, we are freed to love one another, to rejoice with one another, to grieve with one another, to minister to one another! We have been bought into the freedom of God’s servitude. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matt. 11:30) Jesus said we will fine rest in humility. It takes powerful humility to view others interests as more important than our own. In order to do this is not going to be easy and it probably won’t be simple.  Pain is not simple, so moving on from it isn’t either. If it was, we would all have done it already, right? Sometimes, that means some good long prayer time and delving into the Word. Sometimes it is that and talking to a close trusted friend. Sometimes it means to also seek professional counseling. There is no shame is reaching out for help when the pain from those triggers tries to drown you. Like I have said earlier, isolation is the Devil’s playground.

Now you say, what about not causing a brother to stumble and to be sensitive to others in their struggles, yes! Do that! To those of you, reading this who are not on the painful side of this spectrum right now, yes! Remember us! Remember our hurts. Be sensitive to our pain. We are all called to consider others interests as more important than our own. That exhortation applies to not only those who are in pain but those in happiness as well. So to you, dear brothers and sisters, please be kind and examine your heart’s motivation before you share so that you can love us as you ought. But you don’t need to try to examine ours. We must examine our own hearts and must work by the grace of God to leave our triggers behind so that we may be free to love you as we ought. The freedom that we find in letting go of our triggers allows for God’s beautiful design of community to minister to our hearts. Have you ever entertained the idea that perhaps the avenue for our healing could be Christ bringing another's rejoicing into our lives? Is it so impossible to believe that we can be helped by someone else’s joy? Have we truly lost the art of rejoicing with each other that much?  How often did Paul write of rejoicing in his letters to the early churches?  In Philippians, in Colossians, in Ephesians, Paul’s letters drip with thankfulness and rejoicing with these churches.  It would have been so easy for Paul to write “You know it really sucks being in this prison while all I hear is about how you get to be in community and fellowshipping with one another.” But he didn’t. He found joy in hearing of God’s church growing and their faith deepening and broadening. Oh, the beauty of that kind of joy and love! If the prisons that Paul found himself in weren’t enough to ruin his joy and love for people, then the prisons of our pain shouldn’t be either! I don’t know about you, but I want that kind of love and joy! That is not going to come natural or easy but just like any love it comes with a choice.

So today, I am choosing to die to myself and rejoice with others, to grieve with others, to see others interests as more important than my own and to see the merciful hand of God in people and things outside of myself. I won’t do it perfectly but as the Holy Spirit reminds me and makes me aware “I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). The Christian life is not meant to be lived on an island but in a Garden. Lord, let my life and my love be a glimpse back to that Garden, the way it was meant to be.

Daily Bread

I don't know if you know this about me but I go through seasons of anxiety.  The majority of the time I am ok.  But about once or twice a year I will go through a several weeks of frequent moderate anxiety attacks. I have been doing this cycle pretty much my whole life.  I used to be afraid of meteors coming and crushing my house, I was afraid of the house catching on fire, the goat man, Big Foot, and spiders in my bed.  Over the years I have grown up and matured. I thought that meant I would grow out of being afraid of things but not so much. I am still afraid of spiders but I have pretty much out grown monsters and meteors. Now, I find that I focus mostly on physical discomfort. Sickness and persecution or the two biggies now. During one of these anxious seasons my book study group decided to start reading the book Running Scared by Ed Welch.  If that name sounds familiar that is because this is the second book I have read this year that he authored.  The first one being When People Are Big And God Is Small. Both of these books are excellent and I highly recommend them.  Running Scared is incredibly candid discussion about the spiritual side of fear.  The author is very open about his own struggles with fear, which was the first realization I had. Other people had fears. I always kind of felt alone in my fear, which I think is a pretty common side effect of fear.  Partially because fear is an embarrassing confession. Fear equals weakness. As I turned page after page I felt like I was reading directly from my own heart. Although there was a mature understanding of fear that I knew I was deeply lacking. He kept referring to the account in Exodus 16 where God provides manna and quail for Israel in the wilderness. As he continued to reiterate God's provision in the wilderness it began to click.

Fear is directly related to a lack of knowledge. Fear of the unknown is people's number one fear. We are afraid because we don't know what is ahead of us. We don't know what the future holds. Then came the sucker punch to the gut. We are afraid because we don't know God. The story of Israel and manna is about God's provision of daily bread, which pointed directly to His unfailing provision of grace. God gives us "daily bread" or daily grace. Think about Israel. God gave them very clear instructions. They were to go out in the morning, every morning, 6 days out of the week and gather mysterious and miraculous bread that appeared like dew. They were to gather only what they and all those in their household needed for that day. Gathering more than needed did no good because it rotted by the next day. In this way God kept Israel from hedging their bets. This way they couldn't say, "We got enough for the next day so in case God forgets or miscalculates how much we really need, we are ok." It also kept them from saying, "Well, we gathered enough for the next week so we can relax and sleep in the next couple of days." The Sabbath was the only day they didn't go out and gather because the day before God provided enough manna for 2 days so that His people could rest. You might ask what all of this has to do with fear. Let me tell you. I fear the future and discomfort because I think that my God has underestimated how much manna I need. I think He will forget a day and I will be on my own. I go about my day never realizing that His grace is sufficient. I feel like I have to add something to the equation in order for it to meet my needs. Or I think I have to do it all by myself. I have means of grace right there in front of me that I use throughout the day without even realizing it. Either I attribute it to myself or I don't even think about it because I take it for granted. I have His Word. I have a direct line of communication to Him through prayer. I have wonderful and godly people God has blessed me with to minister to my soul. I have access to this same God that provided manna and quail to a messy, grumbling, fearful, insignificant little nation. My messy, grumbling, fearful, insignificant little soul matters to Him. And therefore He has promised and provides my daily portion of grace.  My soul is cherished by Him. Because of His Son everything that is Christ's is now mine. That is my daily bread! He gives that to me for today. He has not given it to me for tomorrow, or in 2 weeks, or in 2 years. I have it today. I know that I will have it tomorrow but I do not have it yet. God takes one day at a time with us because He knows that is all we can handle. It also is to remind us that He is the giver and sustainer of grace. I have never gone a day when I can remember laying my head on the pillow and going "God it wasn't enough. I ran out mid day and had to fend for myself." I know it will be enough because it always has been enough. I don't know how but it has. For whatever lies ahead I know that my daily bread will be enough to sustain me though my worst fears befall me. I don't know what that could even begin to look like. I don't know how it could even be possible that I would have grace to withstand the unknown. But then again I guess I do. Christ. Christ plus nothing equals everything. I have enough for today. I will have it for tomorrow.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Cor. 12:9. 

"If God is for me, who can be against me?" - Romans 8:31. 

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid." - Psalm 27:1

"I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13

 

I don't need to fear because my God knows, has written my future and He already knows my prescribed dose of grace needed for each day ahead. So I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I can't stock pile grace and I don't need to hedge my bets. God says, "Tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own." I will not meet tomorrow with a grace shortage which gives me the beautiful freedom to love and serve today.

 

Now here's praying that I remember that :)

REM

 

Disclaimer: There is a medical side to fear and anxiety that I did not talk about because I know nothing about it. This is meant solely for the discussion of fear's spiritual side and implications.



Lessons From The First Year...and 19 days

2. Finding the right birth control can take a few tries.

I had never actually been on birth control before we got engaged.  So I had no idea what to expect.  I was not expecting to become crazy.  The first month I was on birth control I literally thought I was going crazy.  I was paranoid and having panic attacks.  I called my doctor's office and I think I scared the poor nurse. All I remember was there was a lot of apologizing and the phone call was much shorter than I was hoping and very unsatisfying because she basically said, "Tough it out, you big baby!" Or at least that was what I heard.  For the next 3 months I was not a happy camper.  Right after we got married I was having a conversation with one of the women in my church about my frustrations and she told me something very discouraging that I had never heard before. "Well sometimes, finding the right birth control can take a few tries." If that wasn't enough she said that her daughter searched for a year to find the right one.  What?! I can't feel like this for a year! I felt out of control of everything.  My emotions where all over the place.  I was crying one moment and screaming the next.  I was depressed for a day then giddy for a few hours.  I had never felt like that in my entire life.  It was so weird.  And honestly it scared me because as a control freak not having control over my own emotional capacities was a HUGE problem! Not to mention my poor new husband was getting the brunt of whatever I happened to be feeling that hour.  I finally got my birth control changed after 5 months of being on it and I was relieved and hopeful.  This will be better.  I will be better. I will be calmer. I will feel like myself again. I will be the woman that my husband fell in love with.  Honestly, I felt like he had been duped because I felt so dramatically different from what I was before.  I just wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted to go back to being nice and liking people and things again.  The second birth control was better. For like a month and then it settled in and I still felt off.  I still couldn't believe the anger I would feel over the smallest things.  I came home from work one day and saw that my husband hadn't put the lid on a storage contain properly and I completely blew my top.  I fumed for over an hour.  I slammed the fridge door so hard I popped one of the trays out of it.  I always had a temper but was never violent and it kind of scared me honestly.  I was on that birth control for 7 long months.  At my next appointment my doctor asked me how things were going , and as I told her some of my frustrations her eyes got big and she exclaimed, "Why are you just NOW telling me this?! You should have called a long time ago and I would have changed it!"  I admitted that I kept putting it off because I was holding out hope it would get better and by the time I realized it wasn't getting better I was due for an appointment so I figured I would just wait it out till I could talk to her in person.  Needless to say, she switched me immediately.  I am very happy and relieved to say that I am MUCH better!  I am much more even tempered. I am much more normal and I think as a result my husband is much happier too.  Although he would say I was never as bad as I thought I was.  He is very sweet.

All of that to say that birth control is crazy.  It can make you do weird and illogical things.  But is can also be a scapegoat for a lot of sin too.  When you are having those crazy feelings it is very important to sit quietly alone in your room away from sharp objects or images of sad puppies and really contemplate where your heart is in all of this.  I have to admit ashamedly there were definitely times that I indulged the hormonal mad woman.  There were times when I would let hurtful words fly because I could and because I wanted to.  There were times when I stomped down the Holy Spirit because I just wanted to be mad and I wanted to punish my husband for some perceived offense. I am not proud of it but it's true.  It is very important to remain keenly aware of yourself while on birth control because although it may feel completely uncontrollable it is more controllable than your sin nature might want you to think.  God doesn't accept the classic"my hormones made me do it" excuse.  But he does forgive it.  He knows your heart better than you do and he knows when you are being just plain sinful.  God and my husband showed me so much grace and forgiveness, which is mercifully par for the course with them because I need it so often.  I am thankful for my husband's practical and tangible example of Christ to me.  God is certainly good.  Wrong birth control is bad and it should be switched. That is why it is so important to pay attention when something is not right to know if the birth control needs to be switched or your attitude needs a good swift kick in the pants and "you got some esplaining to do" and a lot of repenting.  

Mile Marker 23 and Post #100!

It has been another year.  My annual birthday post is here again.  As you know there has been a lot that God has fit into this year.  I am so blessed!  God is continuing to teach me so much about his grace and mercy and I look forward to seeing all that is ahead of us.  This hymn pretty much sums up my year.

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
 Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpRCClg8pEY

God is at work :)

REM

Waiting On God's Timing

I feel like every couple of months I am writing this blog post.  There are slight variants in the story line but the ultimate idea is still the same. God’s plans aren’t my own and a lot of times I am not ok with that. It is getting easier to let go of those plans that slip through my fingers, especially when it has to do with something that I wanted for myself.  This time it was different.  This time it wasn’t about me.  This time it was my husband’s dreams that got put on hold yet again. 

As many of you know my husband and I both have a strong desire and call to be in full time ministry.  It is where our heart lies and it has been a huge focus of our marriage.  I have been given a phenomenal opportunity to minister to some of our church’s high school girls.  It has been a wonderful experience and I love seeing what God is doing in their lives.  Working full time can make getting involved in their lives difficult but so far I have been able to make it work thanks to God’s work. Mark is another story.  Working full time until 8:00 p.m. every night and also being in school can make it very difficult for ministry.  It takes the meaning of intentionality to a whole other level.  This was a season in our life.  There were a lot of questions as to how to work out seminary and how to balance work and ministry in the meantime.  It makes it frustrating waiting but our prayers for answers were partnered with prayers for patience. 

Last month we heard of an amazing opportunity.  A church in our city was looking for a youth and family director.  It was a full time position. It included benefits. It would be getting involved with families not just being a daycare for youth on Sunday nights. It would be organizing youth trips, mission trips, family retreats. It had the potential for a seminary stipend.  Bit by bit it seemed as we found out more information that it would be perfect and it would be the answer to all of the prayers and questions we had.  So we applied. We didn’t get it.  As I was praying for this to be the job I was also praying that we would be accepting and willing to let God’s will be done and not fight against whatever the answer might be for our marriage.  It was hard to pray those prayers. It is even harder to live those prayers. While my heart is disappointed it is not broken. I am learning that God is very active in the lives of His children.  I know deep down that whatever God has in store is better than what we could imagine. But it is still hard to see the disappointment on the face of the one you love. It is hard to know that after waiting for so long to do what he has so much passion for he will have to wait longer still. 

Mark took the news better than me.  His unwavering faith in God’s sovereignty and desire for God’s will is such a ministry and example to me. It gives me comfort and strength to be reminded by my husband’s faith of God's goodness.  So while we wait God is drawing us together.  While we wait God is working in our lives. While we wait we are doing what we can to fulfill God’s call even though for now it can only be part time. While we wait we continue to pray for opportunities and for doors to open.  

God is good. He is at work.

Much love,

Rachel 

Codependency

In my book study on Tuesday nights some girlfriends and I have been going through the book "When People Are Big And God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man" by Edward Welch.  The entire book talks about the fear of man.  At first I wondered how relevant the book would be for me because I always prided myself on the fact that I never really cared what people thought of me.  I never really worried about pleasing people.  I'm pretty confident in most circumstances.  So when I read the description of the book and about how it would help me get over my fear of people I was a little confused.  But knowing how God works I knew that I would learn plenty from reading it and if not then maybe the book would be a benefit for someone else in the group.  After all it is not all about me.  As we started delving into the book I quickly realized how appropriate this book is for me.  Although the majority of my life is not spent in peer pressure or in a fear of man, although more and more I am learning that many of my thoughts and actions that get me the most frustrated and into trouble have to do with an essence of this, the real culprit is codependency.  For those of you who know me this might come as quite a surprise.  I am a very independent person by nature.  I like to do things for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I enjoy concurring tasks by myself and I don't need anyone to get the job done.  On an external level this is very true.  I am a doer.  I am a fixer.  I ask people for advice not permission.  I am woman hear me roar.  When it comes to actions I am far from codependent. Now that I have properly beat my chest and done my Rosie the Riveter pose lets get to the heart of it, literally.

When it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete contradiction.  My heart craves desperately to be loved by those that I love.  For those few people that I allow into my world, my real world, there is a tremendous burden placed on them. Unbeknownst to them ,I am constantly analyzing their love for me.  Is it real?  Do they love someone else more? Do I really matter to them?  Do they love me as much as I love them? Are they going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what they expect?  In this deep part of my heart there is a whole other me that few people ever see.  I am confident and carefree in most situations and sometimes that in genuine.  But when it comes to people that I care about it is a whole other story.  This doesn't just end with my earthly relationships either.  My relationship with God is stained with this desperate need and crippling doubt.  

So why share this? Here. In such a public forum where I know multiple people will read this?  Well, they say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one.  And this blog from the very beginning was to preach the Gospel to myself and to use my life as encouragement to others.  Because odds are there is someone else out there reading this going "Oh my gosh, me too!"  And to you, friend and my own heart I say in the words of Paul,

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." ~ Romans 5:1-11

With such rich promises from the very word of God! These are promises for His children!  And if you haven't come to Him these promises can be yours! God is where real lasting perfect love is!  God is love!  It is free!  Those fears I listed before lets look at them again in light of this Scripture.  Is it real? Yes! Does He love some else more? How could He love me more? Do I really matter to Him? How could I not matter to Him when He sent His Son to die in my place! Does He love me as much as I love Him? He loves me more than I could ever love Him because He loves me perfectly! Is He going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what He expects?  Guess what! Nothing surprises Him! He knows my inmost being and He has forgiven me and loves me in spite of it! 

So when I doubt my number one turn is to the Scripture where there are endless promises and truths about where I really stand with God and people.  Because of Christ's sacrifice I have peace with God.  Not because of who I am or what I can offer it is because of Christ's perfect life and willing death on my behalf!  If that doesn't inspire confidence and security I don't know what will!  In the end I am still dependent.  I am 100% completely dependent on Christ! And I am completely okay with that!

TTFN!

REM

God's Grace Abounds

I can't believe I have been so lax in writing.  Life is very busy so maybe I don't have that hard of a time believing it but still I keep thinking I need to post and then just never getting inspired to actually write anything down.  So what has been happening in the Miller household these days? Well let's see here.  The renovation side of life has slowed down as we had to buy a new washer and dryer, fix a car, and spay a puppy.  But honestly that is one of the most wonderful things about owning your own home.  You can go at your own pace and as you can afford it.  Mark and I both have absolutely loved being able to get projects done as we get inspired.  There is no permission to ask. There is no landlord to warn.  There is no parent to ask!  We find ourselves spending most of our down time researching home improvement projects and watching HGTV and DIY network.  Thankfully we both love these channels! 

I have loved getting my sewing machine out and getting it broken in.  I have made curtains for our dining room so far.  I have plans for curtains in the guest rooms and our bedroom, the kitchen and laundry room as well.  But as I said as I find fabric that inspires I can make those.  It is slowly coming together and I really love how it is turning out.  It is great working on this project together.  

I am watching tomatoes come in.  We have about 20 actual tomatoes currently with about 12 more blooms waiting.  It is so exciting see actual fruit!  I can't wait to make fresh salsa and marinara this summer.  I can't wait to share them with anyone who wants them and I am so happy that I literally will have more tomatoes that I will ever know what to do with in order to do just that.

Work has been crazy as we let two employees in my department go.  It has been a relief having them gone as it made for a frustrating and uncomfortable work environment for everyone but with that comes many stresses and many challenges to keep up with the work load.  It has been exciting to see that I am a much harder worker than I ever thought I was.  And it is still a lot of fun and it is interesting learning about the business side of playgrounds.  I enjoy being challenged and I have great supervisors who are very encouraging and patient to answer my endless questions.  It is an enjoyable work environment and once we fill those open positions it will get a lot better.

I am so very thankful for awesome girlfriends that get together on Tuesday nights to have a book study.  It has been so wonderful, edifying, encouraging, and fun to get together with these dear women to learn more about God how to serve him better!  They challenge me and pray with and for me and they really are such a blessing and such a wonderful gift from God of deep community.

My Wednesday nights have freed up for the summer.  I have to say I miss my high school girls.  I still keep in touch with them and see them at church but its not quite the same as getting to pour into them weekly.  They taught me so much over the last school year and challenged me in many ways.  It was wonderful hearing their perspectives and it was so encouraging to hear such precious hearts explore God some in a deeper sense and some for the first time.  It was amazing seeing God at work in their lives.  

Mark is doing well.  We actually have some exciting ministry opportunities ahead of us.  Details will be coming as the processes continues. But I would ask you to be praying for patience and wisdom.  Also pray that we would be open to God's leading.  That we would be willing to be his vessels of service whether his plan leads us down expected paths or down completely unexpected paths.  We are very excited for the opportunities God brings to us.  And I wouldn't rather go through these adventure with anyone else! 

Betty Lou, the newest member of our family, is doing well.  She has settled in very well and is thankfully growing out of her "puppy-ness".  Meaning she doesn't destroy everything and 95% of the time she goes outside when she has to use the bathroom. She had her procedure done yesterday and she is healing well. She has been warned though that if she doesn't stop licking her sutures she will get the cone of shame. A part of me is hoping she doesn't stop because of the vast photo opportunities that would be afforded me.  

Well I think that is everything for right now. I want to get back to more spiritually minded posts again. Soon that will happen I am sure.  So hang in there! 

TTFN

Rachel

My Designing Dreams :)

It is hard to believe that a year ago I had a crush on this cute deacon in my church.  Now we are husband and wife and buying a house!  God is so incredibly good!  I didn't not see this coming and I am so glad he kept it a surprise because it makes it that much sweeter having His grace blind side you like that :)  As you know my life has been full of surprises this year and God has been behind and providing for all of the things that throw off my groove is it were.  

So we are under contract on a house here in Chattanooga.  Incredible!  I never thought I would be a homeowner before the year was out.  The process has been smooth.  The inspection was passed with flying colors and now we get to dream of what sort of stuff we want to do with this house to make it ours.  I am an architect/design nerd so I love dreaming and scheming of home improvement projects and figuring out how to make something pretty and functional.  So you can imagine my joy when we finally walked into a house that I felt inspired in!  My wheels began turning almost immediately and almost as soon as we got home I pulled up my Google SketchUp(C) program and went to town!  If you go to Zillow you can check out what the house currently looks like.  And if you scroll down you can see some of the ideas we have for our own renovations and updates.  I have to say that one of the best marriages is that of an interior designer and carpenter!  Sure makes for some enjoyable trips to the home improvement store!  :)  Enjoy!

Exterior

Overall floor plan

Living Room Detail 1

Living Room Detail 2

Dining/Kitchen Detail 1

Kitchen/Dining Detail 2

Laundry Room

Garage

Sewing Room/Office & Study

Hall Bath

Master Suite

Guest Room

Master Bath

Wedding Project #6: T - 14 days!!!!

Oh my word, guys!  I can hardly believe it!  This time last year I was job hunting, praying that I would find something that would keep me in this new town.  And today, I am picking up my wedding dress!  Could you have imagined it?  I certainly couldn't have!  God is incredible! 

So, my last post was not the typical wedding preparation post.  I get that.  Since I wrote that post I have been doing even more praying and I know that y'all have as well.  Thank you!  I began praying very specifically for God to relieve the anxiety, the over analyzing, and the attacks for just a couple of weeks so that I could actually have joy and be excited again.  So that I could revel in the last few days leading up to my wedding and have the anticipation and hope and joy that every bride is supposed to feel!  This is the beginning of a new stage in our lives and this is the beginning of something special and ordained by God.  Everything is done for our good.  Sometimes we can see it and sometimes we can't and this is the time that I should be able to revel in tasting and seeing that the Lord is good.  I want to thank y'all for your prayers!  They have been felt and I am happy to report have been answered!  God has seen fit to allow me the joy that this time warrants and I have been loving these last few days.  I won't lie and say that I don't still have bad days.  But they are fewer and farther between now and the excitement and anticipation is palpable! 

We have started pre-marital counseling and that has been invaluable even just the 2 sessions we have had so far.  It is wonderful having a pastor who is objective that can look at our relationship and encourage the strengths and warn us against pitfalls.  I think that has also been very influential in reminding me just how good this is.

I have pretty much confirmed everything with everybody. I am in the process of making final payments and what not.  Everything is going very smoothly.  It is an odd sensation to know that the wedding is only 2 weeks away.  I keep thinking I am doing everything WAY to early but NOPE! It is about time I got cracking on all the finishing details! 

Please keep the prayers coming!  Pray that everything will go smoothly, that the joy will remain, that everyone will travel safely, and that our marriage would be one that people look at and see Christ.  Also pray for my sanity.  Between church responsibilities, work, wedding, and countless other little things I need as much mental fortitude as I can get.  Much love to all!  I will try to post again before the wedding but I really can't make any promises, haha!

TTFN
The Future Mrs. Miller

EWF seeking GOD: My grace is sufficient for you...

When I sat down to write this blog I wasn't really sure where I wanted to go with it.  The last few days have been a jumble of thoughts and emotions.  The one word that kept springing to my head as I looked back on the events of this last week was grace.  I will spare the details for privacy's sake but suffice it to say that a tragic loss occurred in my fiance's family this week.  It rocked my new family to the core.  When my fiance got the phone call late Tuesday evening, my heart broke and went into a tail spin.  "What am I supposed to do?" "What is my role?" "How can I help?" "How can I comfort?" "How do I make the pain go away?" "How do I wipe the sadness from his eyes?" I felt helpless. I felt at a loss.  I felt weak.  These people that I loved so much were hurting and I could do nothing to stop it.  I instantly began praying, "God what can I do? Show me what to do!" I should have realized I was thinking and praying completely wrong.  The reoccurring word that kept popping up in every avenue was "I" and "me".  What in the world can I possibly do? I can't reverse time. I have never been through anything like this. I don't have insight or wisdom. I can't heal hurts nor can I change hearts. What was I thinking? I was thinking I had to DO something. I was thinking it was up to me.


So, here I sat trying to wrap my head around this crazy week and put into words what has been spinning around in my heart and these verses came to mind.  "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, ESV) I am weak. I am helpless. I am at a loss.  But His grace is sufficient.  His grace steps in where I fail.  His grace moves in and takes over where I can do nothing.  His grace is what changes everything! Not me. Not my strength or my ability or my right words or my well timed hug.  None of that has any power without being bathed in His grace.  As a well loved minister from my past used to say, "Grace has a way of overflowing and splashing out over all those whom you come into contact with."  Instead of praying for the right thing to do or for the right words to say I should have been praying that the healing grace, which is mine through Jesus Christ, would overflow and shower my hurting family and that they would be able to taste the sweetness of Christ in spite of the bitterness of sin, especially to those hurting who might not yet know Him.  


Thankfully, God is not reliant on my cooperation.  Thankfully, God accomplishes His will whether I sanction it or not.  Praise God that He works continually with and through my weakness.  Praise God that His power is perfection. My prayer is that I will be able to say with Paul I am content in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  Because God is my strength and my portion.  Sinclair Ferguson said in a sermon I recently listened to, He supplies me my daily bread. And His mercy and grace are fresh and enough for each day.  I pray that His mercy and grace will be poured out on my new family and that Christ would be made evident to them through this and above that through all of this His name would be praised.  


I am weak but I AM is strong.


Hallelujah!
Rachel 

EWF seeking GOD: Unexpected Challenges

Because I have always felt called to be a wife (and a mom) I somehow thought switching from singleness to dating to engagement would have been an easy transition and that I would have fallen into my roll as dutiful and attentive fiancee right away.  Well that is certainly not the case.

As I am sure a lot of you know I am a very independent person.  I am also pretty spontaneous and like to do things on the fly.  This is just fine for a single lady but for a fiancee, not so much.  Several times in the last 5 months, I have been totally caught off guard by my own thoughtlessness towards my fiance.  I forget to include him in my plans and keep him in the loop on my life at times.  This seems like a simple enough thing right? Seems like a total "duh" moment right?  Wrong, at least it wasn't obvious to me, apparently, or I would be better at remembering.  I got an invitation to a cookout one night a couple of months ago now.  I took a moment to consult my calendar and I saw that I was free so I quickly responded to the email in the affirmative.  Later that evening my fiance and I were talking about the email and he said, "So am I going to go to this cookout too?" He said it sweetly but you could tell it had hurt him a little to not be consulted or even considered in my planning.  "Oh, yeah. I mean I guess I forgot I am a "we" now."  My fiance is an infinitely patient man, which is excellent news for me.  There have been a few other times when I have forgotten to keep him in the loop or even consult him on things but he lovingly reminds me that I am not on my own anymore.

Most recently, I was having sort of a spiritual crisis, as I have mentioned in my last post.  After communion on Sunday I was talking to my fiance about it.  This was after I was feeling better and God had brought me back from my analyzing.  I told my fiance that I had been having these issues and how much better I felt and he said, "Why didn't you tell me about this before?" It caught me off guard.  "Satan wants to keep you in your head.  That is where he can do the most damage when you don't have other Christians supporting you, especially me [as your future husband]."  It really got me thinking, you know I never really thought about it but of anyone who should be hearing about my spiritual struggles it should be my future husband.  I mean he is going to be my spiritual head.  My spiritual health and well being is of utmost importance to him and it is kind of his responsibility.  I guess it never really occurred to me because in my household growing up I never really saw my mom go to my dad for spiritual advice and the like.  I know she did.  I just never really witnessed it.  So I guess it never really clicked for me as to what that looked like.  My mom was really the go to person in our family for us kids for all things spiritual and wise.  So it never really dawned on me to talk to my fiance when I started feeling spiritually defeated or when I started having doubts or started over analyzing my faith.  Honestly, I can't think of a more qualified person to help me.  He is incredibly knowledgeable.  He has been well trained in Scripture.  He is humble.  He has a hundred strengths that counter balance my weaknesses.  He is loving and patient and he has an amazing gift for calming me, drawing me back to reality, and showing me the truth of the Gospel and pointing me back to Christ.  I am more blessed than I can say with the husband that God seen fit to send me.  Further more, in coming to him, not only am I gaining strength for myself but I am also giving my husband honor and respect by showing him that I value his thoughts and his advice.  I am giving him the consideration he deserves and that he is entitled to as my spiritual head.  So really it is a win win situation when I get my head on straight.

This will definitely take some getting used to for sure.  It will take practice on my part and patience on his.  But one of the most wonderful things about being in a relationship like this is the freedom to work on these things together.  Figuring out a relationship at this level is hard work.  It can be incredibly frustrating at times and exhausting too but it is the most beautiful and most rewarding work I have ever had the pleasure of doing.  I am absolutely loving figuring out how to be the kind of fiancee my man needs and how I can be the best wife for him after November 2nd.

God is so good and I am incredibly blessed!
TTFN
Rachel

SWF seeking GOD: Trip Down Memory Lane

So I was recently going through Facebook and came across some notes that I had written several years ago, back before I had a blog.  It is so beautiful to look back and see how God has sustained and worked in my life since these posts were originally penned.  That is one of the reasons why I keep this blog is so that at any time I can go back to any date and see where I was and see how God has carried me through.  If you don't have a prayer journal or blog or something like it I highly encourage you to invest in one.  It is such a blessing!  I hope these thoughts from an 18 year old me are encouraging to you . . .

Saturday, April 19, 2008 -

"I just wanted to share something that really hit me tonight in my devotionals. I have just started reading the Psalms and I was reading 3 tonight. One verse really struck me.

"I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah." Psalm 3:4

This verse is so amazing! If you really think about it every time you have ever cried out to God, He has heard you! He has condescended from His holy hill to your level to listen to your hurts! The God of the universe, Who holds all the planets in orbit, the God Who controls our past, present, and future. The God Who created everything we see around us. This God, this very same exact God, comes to you when you call Him in an instant He is by your side. He is there to comfort us when we cry, to wipe away our tears, to fend off our enemies. All we need do is call out His name and He hears. Not only does He hear but He knows exactly what we are going through. He can sympathize with every hurt, every distress. 

How can a God of such magnitude be so loving! How can such a God be so holy and just and merciful all at the same time! He hears us guys! He doesn't say, "Oh uh hold that thought a sec I have a universe to run." He doesn't say, "For crying out loud are you back again?!?! What do you want this time?" He doesn't say, "You think you have problems? Let me tell you my day!" NO!! He says "I know it hurts but I am here. I am always here. I love you. You are not alone. Remember what I have done for you. I love you too much to forget you. I will never tire of you coming to me. I will never make you wait for my comfort. You are precious, you are my child." All of this from the God of the universe! And His love and comfort is perfect! 

How is all of this possible? Only because He is God! We will never know on this earth at least why or how he loves such wretched creatures like us. But he does and that is all that really matters.

He loves you and listens to you. He hears you from is holy hill when you cry and he comes to your aid at a moments notice." 
Saturday, November 25, 2008 -

"Tonight in my devotions I was greatly humbled. Reading tonight I was struck with a sense of shame at my own selfish and self-absorbed mentality towards God. I have been reading through the Psalms for quite sometime (there are a lot of them!) and I have stumbled across this unifying factor. The Psalmist goes through hard times, so much harder than I myself have ever faced and yet with every Psalm he ends with praising God. How in the world does he do that??? 

I go through such small and insignificant "trials" and I always come out questioning God and asking Him to get me this or fix that or make the problem go away. Very rarely do I sit back and say, "God I don't understand what You are doing here, I may never understand. But thank You for this test that I may be refined. While I am in this moment please teach me what I am to know and use me to further Your kingdom. May I glorify You in this Lord. Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" 

How much more would I learn if I accepted the obstacles and trials that God put in my path as an opportunity to grow in faith, wisdom, patience, mercy, joy, peace, etc.? How much further along in my spiritual growth would I be??? I have no clue and it breaks my heart! 

But God will not leave me; He will never give up on me; Christ will never stop praying on my behalf; and I will always be God's beloved daughter! 

You can take hope that this is true of you as well!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord!"

TTFN!

REE~

SWF seeking GOD: Evening Encouragement

So Saturday night I was reading my Morning & Evening before bed.  I found this beautiful encouragement within its pages that really spoke to my heart in light of the Stuck Outside the Garden post.  It was a good reminder that God sent me here (Click here).  He would not have done so had He not had a reason and a purpose behind it.  He is not going to leave me here without guidance or aid.  Praise the Lord! 

May 12                                                                                                                                         Evening

"Fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation: I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again." Genesis 46:3,4

Jacob must have shuddered at the thought of leaving the land of his father's sojourning, and dwelling among heathen strangers.  It was a new scene, and likely to be a trying one: who shall venture among courtiers of a foreign monarch without anxiety?  Yet the way was evidently appointed for him, and therefore he resolved to go.  This is frequently the position of believers now - they are called to perils and temptations altogether untried; at such seasons let them imitate Jacob's example by offering sacrifices of prayer unto God, and seeking His direction; let them not take a step until they have waited upon the Lord for His blessing: then they will have Jacob's companion to be their friend and helper.  How blessed to feel assured that the Lord is with us all our ways, and condescends to go down into our humiliations and banishments with us!  Even beyond the ocean our Father's love beams like the sun in its strength. We cannot hesitate to go where Jehovah promises His presence; even the valley of deathshade grows bright with the radiance of this assurance.  Marching onwards with faith in their God, believers shall have Jacob's promise.  They shall be brought up again, whether it be from the troubles of life or the chambers of death.  Jacob's seed cam out of Egypt in due time, and so shall all the faithful pass unscathed through the tribulations of life, and terror of death.  Let us exercise Jacob's confidence. 'Fear not', is the Lord's command and His divine encouragement to those who at His bidding are launching upon new seas; the divine presence and preservation forbid so much as one unbelieving fear.  Without our God we should fear to move; but when He bids us go, it would be dangerous to tarry.  Reader, go forward, and fear not.

God is at work!  

TTFN~

REE