Lesson #5: Loving In Spite

Yesterday I found myself jotting down a list of the things I love about my husband.  This is a little exercise I like putting myself through to keep my favorite qualities about him at the front of my mind.  The usual suspects were on the list: kind, funny, thoughtful, patient, etc. As the list grew attributes about my husband kept popping up that I would think about but they didn't make the list. When those arose I rather magnanimously thought to myself, Well, I love him anyway.  After I had collected a dozen or so things I went back to my day feeling pretty contented.  As my day progressed, however, I couldn't stop thinking about that one little thought "Well, I love him anyway." It is a very common idiom to love someone in spite of their flaws, or to love someone in spite of those things that don't really make you happy.  After all as 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  I began thinking again to those qualities that didn't make the cut for my list and do you know that only one or two of those things could have even remotely been classified as sinful?  I began wondering to what extent my love actually covered. 

I have always fancied the idea of doing things in spite of something. That just struck me as a little defiant and wild and I love it. Can you tell I have a rebellious streak? I was well aware, having grown up in church that love does not keep any record of wrongs, that it bears all things (1 Cor. 13:4-8) and that it has the power cover sin (John 3:16, 1 Peter 4:8). But thinking about these verses that talk about loving in spite are talking about sins. That is talking about forgiveness.  There is a difference in sin and flaws.  Sin is just that.  Actual, real, holy law breaking sins.  Flaws, as I am using the word for the purpose of this post, are perceived offenses to a persons sense of approved characteristics.  Love does not cover annoyances, personality differences, idiosyncrasies, and the like.  So then what do you do with it?  As I meditated on these verses I started to realize that my love covered the easy stuff. My love covers the nice things; the things that fit into my idea of good; the things that make me feel warm and fuzzy; the things that conform to the rules of MY kingdom.  What kind of a love is that? Was I really so arrogant to think that I was somehow doing my husband a favor by looking past those faults and foibles?  You see the thing about loving someone in spite of themselves, it automatically puts the lover in a position of great power and when grace and humility combine to use that power for forgiveness you have a taste of glory.  Loving someone in spite of their sin is beautiful.  It is grace. It is mercy. It is holy. It is necessary. But the real question is not, "Do I love my husband in spite of himself" but, "Do I love my husband in spite of myself?"  It is harder to love someone in spite of myself. In spite of my selfishness, my pride, my inpatients, my temper, my sin here is a man whom God has given me to show Christ to.  In order to love him, really love him I have to let go.  I have to admit I don't have goodness figured out.  I have to admit that my idea of perfection is not a perfect one.  I have to confess that I want to fool myself into thinking I am better than I am.  To love my husband I have to be willing to lay down my kingdom, my life for the glory of God.  

Love is a choice.  It is not an easy choice because it costs. 

"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

On my own I can't pay that.  Relying on my own strength and desire for self improvement I can't and won't pay the price for holiness.  I can pay the cost only because Someone else paid it first.  Only because of Another am I even able to hope that I will succeed at this even sometimes.  Real love costs.  Christ was willing to pay the ultimate price, His very life, for a people who were his enemies because He REALLY loves us.  God came and humbled Himself and became man to show just how great His love was for me and for you. Because of this truth we have hope.  I have hope.  That God, who began a good work in you will continue it unto completion.  So by the very power of Christ Himself through the gift of the Holy Spirit, I can say with confidence that in spite of myself I will seek to really love my husband as my God so loves me.

God is at work! Hallelujah!
REM

The Adventure Continues

The last post I wrote was a very hard post to write for me.  As many of you know the very reason I started this blog was to invite you into a journey towards fulltime ministry.  When I began this blog I was hopeful and expectant of what I thought the journey would look like.  There were doubts and some trepidation of course as I welcomed you into my insecurity but I felt a call and I some how thought that automatically guaranteed my plans. I had visions of meeting with college girls and being as well loved as my own RUF intern had been. I imagined hard struggles but mostly good memories of diving head first into college ministry, changing the world one freshman at a time.  I could picture meeting another like minded college ministry focused guy, falling madly in love, and then embarking on the great adventure that is RUF Campus Ministry life. With each blog post I wrote the more my imagination ran and the more deeply in love I fell with my wonderful plan for my life. I just knew that God couldn't deny such a good and heart felt desire that I felt so clearly called to. And then He did. The rug seemingly got ripped out from under me and suddenly I was having to write that shame filled post informing everyone that I had failed. That I had got it wrong. That I had been rejected. That the door to what I wanted my life to be had been slammed in my face. The hurt was so real I could taste it and it was bitter. It has taken a long time to heal.  In fact, the broken bits still cause me discomfort at times, which, is why inviting you into that vulnerability again was even more difficult this time.  But I knew I needed to write it.  I had to share. I had to allow myself to be vulnerable again because I need prayer. I need accountability. I need to swallow my pride.  There were still wounds from the past and this time it didn't involve just me. I didn't want my husband to have to go through the hurt that my heart had suffered. I did not think I could take it if another door closed yet again for both of us.  I couldn't bare to see that look in my love's eyes.  When I wrote my last post I didn't want to hope. I didn't want to dream. I wanted to state the facts. I wanted to ask for prayer because I knew whatever my next post would be it would be a difficult one because either way there were rough times ahead and only the grace of God and much prayer would get us through.

I was working late one Friday night a few weeks ago. I was tired and very ready to go home. That was when I received a phone call from my husband.  "I did it!" Those were the 3 words I didn't dare to hope for.  Those 3 little words that have changed everything and instantly brought tears of joy and relief. The letter that began with "I am please to inform you . . . " My husband was resoundingly accepted into seminary! He begins in the Fall.

My prayers are as follows:
1. That I will be the supportive and encouraging wife my husband needs.
2. Perseverance and strength through Christ.
3. Growth in grace as our Father molds us into His image.

Thanks be to God!!!!!
REM

The New Adventure for 2014

The very catalyst for this blog’s existence is rooted deeply in a love and desire for ministry.  Throughout the years that I have been writing this blog you have gone along with me on the ups and downs and the doors opening and closing.  It has been a road that at times has been bright and exciting and time when the road has been so flooded with tears that I couldn’t even see the road anymore.  Ministry is not an easy thing to be called too.  It calls you to make a vocation of being others-focused, which for any human heart, particularly mine, is no small request.  It commands you to step out of your comfort zone and talk to people who might reject you, mock you, or even harm you.  So far it has demanded more faith from me than anything ever has and it is not even my literal job yet.  There are times when fear sets in.  There are times when doubts arise.  There are times when I am discouraged or tired or just want to be selfish for a while.  There are times when I think, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just not go there? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just keep to myself and let the world just pass me by in peace?”  There are times when I think, “What if I got this wrong? What if I totally misinterpreted God’s leading? What if I completely missed the boat?”  There are even more times when my brain screams, “Lord, you picked the wrong girl! I can’t do this! I am too messy!  I am too broken! I am too afraid! I am too self-concerned! I am not cut out for this. How could I possibly be any use to you in this? You have clearly made a mistake.” Strangely enough though in spite of all of that, most times I am so on fire about doing full time ministry that my skin tingles with excitement.  Either I will be talking to a coworker or I will be teaching my high school discipleship group or having coffee with a friend or I will just be sitting in a sermon and I will be flooded with a renewed sense of purpose.  In those little flashes God refutes my doubts and my objections.  He speaks truth back into me and says, “Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, and I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).” 

It is with all of that I invite you deeper into my world of ministry.  I welcome you to come along with Mark and me as we set out on an adventure.  I beg you to pray with and for us as we step out on faith to pursue what we believe whole-heartedly God has called of us for our marriage.  Last fall Mark applied to the Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) in Atlanta, GA.  It is our hope and prayer that in the fall of 2014 he will begin online and commuter classes in their Diploma program with the end goal of becoming an ordained pastor in the Presbyterian Church in America.  RTS accepts a small percentage of non-degreed applicants every semester.  Mark has his Associates degree but not Bachelors at this time although he has completed a number of accredited hours through correspondence courses at The Bible Institute in South Africa (BISA).  We have had almost all of our paperwork submitted to RTS since October.  We have just one last document to get to them and that is Marks transcripts from BISA.  Unfortunately, BISA has been on their summer break for the last 2 months and the person in charge of sending transcripts has been out of the office even before their break started.  As slots begin to fill up down in Atlanta, Mark and I trying to remain positive and hopeful.  This program is very competitive as there are few positions available and as many men are called to the ministry later in life.  What God calls you too he will equip you too as well.  For the last several weeks I have had these verses from Jeremiah 29 stuck in my head by no coincidence I am sure, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” This promise doesn’t mean that my current definition of “hope and a future” equals God’s definition but I do know that God has a funny way of growing my definitions to match his.

My 3 prayer requests for this coming year are:

1.      That God would continue to mold us into his image and make our desires match his.

2.      That we would, without fear or anxiety, with patience and faith and hope await his timing.

3.      That now would be the time that we can finally and wholeheartedly pursue the desires and call on our hearts.

Praise be to God and let’s see what he has in store for us in 2014! Happy New Year!!!

REM

Lesson #4: Calling Does Not Equal Easy

For some reason I had the strange impression that because I felt called to be a wife that it would be a natural lifestyle to fall into.  I thought I would just naturally find joy in all of the little things that go into being a wife.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, you know that stuff.  I didn't think it would be easy having two sinners living in the same house but I thought I would at least be a natural at wifely duties.  And then reality hit. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that I was still not ready to give up my single lifestyle that I had grown accustomed too.  Cooking a meal for my husband got to be more and more of an annoyance than a joy. I longed for the days when having a sandwich for dinner was acceptable. Coming up with ideas for a well balanced delicious meal every night after getting off work soon became something I dreaded and tried to avoid.  It didn't help that I went through a spurt of really bad cooking ventures which put the kibosh on all the delusions of grandeur I had about being a great chef and that ended in frustration and eating cereal for dinner.  A mini lesson here. Always have cereal and milk on hand.  I longed for the days when I didn't have to do laundry if I didn't feel like it.  I had enough underwear to last me a month so if on a weekend I wanted to be lazy and ignore the laundry I could. No one was there to care but me.  If I wanted to skip the vacuuming one week so what!  I didn't have any pets to clean up after who was to tell. Spray some Frebreeze and it was good as new.  I didn't really think I needed to mourn it but I know now I should have savored those little bits and that stage of life.  It was easy.  It was the independence.  It was the epitome of the Frank Sinatra song "I Did It My Way!".  If I wanted to be selfish I could and no one would really be the wiser.  My sin could be secret.  And that right there is why being a wife isn't natural for me. I like being selfish.  I like doing it my way.

I think that is precisely why God called me to the life of a wife.  I thought I was called because I would be good at it.  God gives us gifts and talents and opens doors for us to use those gifts for sure to bring about His glory and our good.  But that doesn't mean we don't need Him to accomplish it.  Where do you think those gifts and talents came from in the first place?  There are definitely days where I delight in being a wife.  Please don't think I hate it!  It is challenging for sure but it is even more of a blessing than I could describe to you. He calls us because He can use us.  But He also calls us because we need it.  I need a crash course in dying to self.  I need a daily dose in humility.  I need a reality check with my sin.  I need to be reminded everyday that what little sacrifices I concede are nothing compared to the wondrous sacrifice of my Savior.  I need the picture before me of Christ's patience and selfless love for me.  I need that grace that is so natural to Him in order for my sin nature to be quieted.  I am not a natural at sacrificing my time, my energy, my resources for the good and blessing of another, which is really the life of a wife and husband for that matter. In fact, it goes against my nature as a sinful human.  But I am still called to be a wife.  My calling isn't based on my ability and my works is it?  Christ came to die for that sinful human nature of mine that I still cling to so desperately at times.  He conquered my sin when He took my place on the cross in order that I would be reconciled to God.  He paid a precious price for my messy heart and He is redeeming me daily.  Slowly but surely through marriage He is refining me into His image by not letting me do it my way.  Instead He lovingly woos me with His amazing grace, compels me with His unfailing love, commands me with His perfect holiness, empowers me with the Holy Spirit to do it His way!

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. - Philippians 2:3-4

Lesson #3 - You Are Not His Mother

Women have a natural tendency to nurture and that is all well and good. I believe 100% that is a God given gift that women can do in a way that men just really can't.  This is a fantastic thing when it comes to children. Husbands, however, tend to get lumped into the category of "things that need raising" rather easily.  We forget they have already been raised.  Sure it was different than you were raised but he obviously turned out well enough for you to marry him didn't he? Whether it is the amount of vegetables he eat, the way he does the laundry, how he does dishes, or how he completes "Honey Do" lists around the house, understand that you do things differently and that does not automatically mean that he is wrong and you are right.  Remember that first lesson?  The main theme that kept coming up over my first year of marriage was I was fussing and worrying over him like I was his mother not his wife.  I would fuss at him if he didn't eat the vegetables I made him.  I fussed at him over little things and sometimes bigger things.  I remember one instance when I fussed at him because he decided to climb a ladder when I wasn't home. My husband was in the middle of painting the outside of our house.  He was working very diligently and was a trooper about the long, arduous, and unfortunately solitary process.Our days off very rarely coincide so the idea of me being home while he was climbing on a very tall ladder to paint trim was a virtual impossibility.  I fussed though.  "If you fall off you are going to get hurt or die and I won't be here to help you. You need to just wait until I can be there to make sure you are safe." Can anyone say, "Yes, mother"?  Now, I had good motive behind my "edict".  I care very much for my husbands health and safety and we had just heard that week of a man falling off of a ladder while no one was home and being very badly injured so I was already on edge.  But my concern and love for him manifested itself all wrong. My husband patiently explained to me the impracticality of my idea and while he applauded my effort at safety it really was not going to help get the house painted in a timely fashion.  As I was driving home from work the day my husband was painting the house I called my mother.  I thought for sure being the practical woman she was she would understand where I was coming from.  After I explained the situation the first thing I heard on the other end of the phone was laughter. Naturally I was taken aback and then I heard her chuckle out these words, "Well, you aren't his mother, Rachel. You are his wife."  I said, "But Mom doesn't it worry you when Dad does stuff like that when you aren't home?" She said, "Well of course it does! But he is an grown man and his life isn't my responsibility anyway. God keeps him alive not me." I said, "Then what do you do in those situations?" She said, "I tell him I love him and I go to work and about my day, praying for him the whole time and am very thankful and relieved that he is in one piece when I return."  It finally clicked for me.  I had gotten it into my head that as his wife I was, somehow, responsible for keeping my husband alive and well.  Somehow, his life was in my hands and I had totally disregarded or forgotten the fact that he is a mature adult who had been climbing on ladders, up trees, on roofs, using power tools and doing all manner of "risky" things for the last 31 years without my guidance, advice or supervision and amazingly enough he had survived! Imagine that!  My concern and mothering was a result of a lack of faith.  I wasn't trusting my husband was smart enough to be careful but most of all I wasn't trusting God with my husband.  In that small silly little moment of clarity I realized that he is not my responsibility.  He is my friend, my husband, my brother in Christ but he is first and foremost God's child not mine and as such he is in far better hands with Him than he is in my own.  

So yes, ladies, we worry.  Sometimes we mother.  A lot of times it has good intentions like being safe and staying healthy.  But ladies remember we married grown men.  Give them the respect and honor they deserve as your husband rather than belittling them as little boys.  By all means, make suggestions and offer potential alternatives but remember that just because you do things differently doesn't make it bad and you aren't his mother.  You are his wife.  So love him, pray for him, have his back, but stop trying to do God's job.  

Lessons From The First Year...and 19 days

2. Finding the right birth control can take a few tries.

I had never actually been on birth control before we got engaged.  So I had no idea what to expect.  I was not expecting to become crazy.  The first month I was on birth control I literally thought I was going crazy.  I was paranoid and having panic attacks.  I called my doctor's office and I think I scared the poor nurse. All I remember was there was a lot of apologizing and the phone call was much shorter than I was hoping and very unsatisfying because she basically said, "Tough it out, you big baby!" Or at least that was what I heard.  For the next 3 months I was not a happy camper.  Right after we got married I was having a conversation with one of the women in my church about my frustrations and she told me something very discouraging that I had never heard before. "Well sometimes, finding the right birth control can take a few tries." If that wasn't enough she said that her daughter searched for a year to find the right one.  What?! I can't feel like this for a year! I felt out of control of everything.  My emotions where all over the place.  I was crying one moment and screaming the next.  I was depressed for a day then giddy for a few hours.  I had never felt like that in my entire life.  It was so weird.  And honestly it scared me because as a control freak not having control over my own emotional capacities was a HUGE problem! Not to mention my poor new husband was getting the brunt of whatever I happened to be feeling that hour.  I finally got my birth control changed after 5 months of being on it and I was relieved and hopeful.  This will be better.  I will be better. I will be calmer. I will feel like myself again. I will be the woman that my husband fell in love with.  Honestly, I felt like he had been duped because I felt so dramatically different from what I was before.  I just wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted to go back to being nice and liking people and things again.  The second birth control was better. For like a month and then it settled in and I still felt off.  I still couldn't believe the anger I would feel over the smallest things.  I came home from work one day and saw that my husband hadn't put the lid on a storage contain properly and I completely blew my top.  I fumed for over an hour.  I slammed the fridge door so hard I popped one of the trays out of it.  I always had a temper but was never violent and it kind of scared me honestly.  I was on that birth control for 7 long months.  At my next appointment my doctor asked me how things were going , and as I told her some of my frustrations her eyes got big and she exclaimed, "Why are you just NOW telling me this?! You should have called a long time ago and I would have changed it!"  I admitted that I kept putting it off because I was holding out hope it would get better and by the time I realized it wasn't getting better I was due for an appointment so I figured I would just wait it out till I could talk to her in person.  Needless to say, she switched me immediately.  I am very happy and relieved to say that I am MUCH better!  I am much more even tempered. I am much more normal and I think as a result my husband is much happier too.  Although he would say I was never as bad as I thought I was.  He is very sweet.

All of that to say that birth control is crazy.  It can make you do weird and illogical things.  But is can also be a scapegoat for a lot of sin too.  When you are having those crazy feelings it is very important to sit quietly alone in your room away from sharp objects or images of sad puppies and really contemplate where your heart is in all of this.  I have to admit ashamedly there were definitely times that I indulged the hormonal mad woman.  There were times when I would let hurtful words fly because I could and because I wanted to.  There were times when I stomped down the Holy Spirit because I just wanted to be mad and I wanted to punish my husband for some perceived offense. I am not proud of it but it's true.  It is very important to remain keenly aware of yourself while on birth control because although it may feel completely uncontrollable it is more controllable than your sin nature might want you to think.  God doesn't accept the classic"my hormones made me do it" excuse.  But he does forgive it.  He knows your heart better than you do and he knows when you are being just plain sinful.  God and my husband showed me so much grace and forgiveness, which is mercifully par for the course with them because I need it so often.  I am thankful for my husband's practical and tangible example of Christ to me.  God is certainly good.  Wrong birth control is bad and it should be switched. That is why it is so important to pay attention when something is not right to know if the birth control needs to be switched or your attitude needs a good swift kick in the pants and "you got some esplaining to do" and a lot of repenting.  

Lessons From The First Year...and 17 days...

Everyone says that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Part of me wonders if tales of the first year of marriage are much like a good fishing story. Every time you tell the story the fish gains another foot.   Having no other years of marriage to compare it to I guess I would have to agree.  There hasn't been any breaking things.  There haven't been a bunch of slamming doors.  We haven't had to many screaming matches.  We haven't contemplated divorce or murder either.  There has been fighting. There have been tears.  There has been long moments of tense silence. There have been raised voices and huffing and puffing.  Mostly from me. I can only compare my last year of marriage to my many years of singleness.  My single years were much much easier. I could be selfish and totally independent and marriage kind of takes a bulldozer to that lifestyle.  I am not my own person.  I belong to someone.  I am do not have my own schedule.  I have someone to share my time with.  I can't just go off on adventures by myself. I have company for all of my adventures. At times that can be annoying but it is nice having a buddy system most of the time.  The last year has been a concentrated study in what it means to die to self that I never really understood when I was single. It has been realizing that when we fight and have tense moments it is because we are trying to build our own kingdoms.  We are not working together to build God's kingdom. So over this year I have learned more than a few lessons.  I am sure I will continue to relearn them and learn new ones with every year. Here is the first of several lessons I am learning the hard way.

1. It is not a sin to do things differently. 

Whether it is the dishes, the cooking, the sleeping, the toothpaste squeezing, the breathing, etc. You are and your spouse will do things differently.  Think about it. If siblings who grow up under the same parenting and lifestyle can come out polar opposites so can two people who's paths most likely didn't cross until a few years ago.  It is important to remember this is not a sin that must be apologized for.  Your spouse can squeeze the toothpaste from the middle if he wants.  He can choose to soak dishes for 3 days before washing them. Actually that's just gross. Never ever let your spouse do that.  Disgusting! But it's ok that he folds towels differently.  It's ok that when he drives he brakes a little later than you would like.  And no matter how hard you stomp that break peddle will never be on the passenger side.  It's ok that his dirty socks never quite make it to the hamper the first time.  It's ok that he isn't very good at putting left overs into proper food saving containers.  He got them in the fridge at least didn't he? You don't have to nag him or berate him for all these little imperfections that seem on some days to be a very purposeful affront to your idea of bliss because really all they are is how he does things differently.  He is not trying to annoy you. He is just doing things the best way he thinks they should be done and really that is exactly what you are doing too.  It is not something to apologize for.  You were raised different.  You have different personalities and strengths.  It is something to love in your spouse because it is a joy and gift to see how God created two people so very different yet decided that He wanted them together because it would bring about His will and serve His purpose for His glory.  So don't worry about the towels, or the toothpaste, or whatever that thing is that he does that makes you want to pull out your hair sometimes.  He is not sinning.  He is being himself, the himself that you fell in love with, remember?

Waiting On God's Timing

I feel like every couple of months I am writing this blog post.  There are slight variants in the story line but the ultimate idea is still the same. God’s plans aren’t my own and a lot of times I am not ok with that. It is getting easier to let go of those plans that slip through my fingers, especially when it has to do with something that I wanted for myself.  This time it was different.  This time it wasn’t about me.  This time it was my husband’s dreams that got put on hold yet again. 

As many of you know my husband and I both have a strong desire and call to be in full time ministry.  It is where our heart lies and it has been a huge focus of our marriage.  I have been given a phenomenal opportunity to minister to some of our church’s high school girls.  It has been a wonderful experience and I love seeing what God is doing in their lives.  Working full time can make getting involved in their lives difficult but so far I have been able to make it work thanks to God’s work. Mark is another story.  Working full time until 8:00 p.m. every night and also being in school can make it very difficult for ministry.  It takes the meaning of intentionality to a whole other level.  This was a season in our life.  There were a lot of questions as to how to work out seminary and how to balance work and ministry in the meantime.  It makes it frustrating waiting but our prayers for answers were partnered with prayers for patience. 

Last month we heard of an amazing opportunity.  A church in our city was looking for a youth and family director.  It was a full time position. It included benefits. It would be getting involved with families not just being a daycare for youth on Sunday nights. It would be organizing youth trips, mission trips, family retreats. It had the potential for a seminary stipend.  Bit by bit it seemed as we found out more information that it would be perfect and it would be the answer to all of the prayers and questions we had.  So we applied. We didn’t get it.  As I was praying for this to be the job I was also praying that we would be accepting and willing to let God’s will be done and not fight against whatever the answer might be for our marriage.  It was hard to pray those prayers. It is even harder to live those prayers. While my heart is disappointed it is not broken. I am learning that God is very active in the lives of His children.  I know deep down that whatever God has in store is better than what we could imagine. But it is still hard to see the disappointment on the face of the one you love. It is hard to know that after waiting for so long to do what he has so much passion for he will have to wait longer still. 

Mark took the news better than me.  His unwavering faith in God’s sovereignty and desire for God’s will is such a ministry and example to me. It gives me comfort and strength to be reminded by my husband’s faith of God's goodness.  So while we wait God is drawing us together.  While we wait God is working in our lives. While we wait we are doing what we can to fulfill God’s call even though for now it can only be part time. While we wait we continue to pray for opportunities and for doors to open.  

God is good. He is at work.

Much love,

Rachel 

God's Grace Abounds

I can't believe I have been so lax in writing.  Life is very busy so maybe I don't have that hard of a time believing it but still I keep thinking I need to post and then just never getting inspired to actually write anything down.  So what has been happening in the Miller household these days? Well let's see here.  The renovation side of life has slowed down as we had to buy a new washer and dryer, fix a car, and spay a puppy.  But honestly that is one of the most wonderful things about owning your own home.  You can go at your own pace and as you can afford it.  Mark and I both have absolutely loved being able to get projects done as we get inspired.  There is no permission to ask. There is no landlord to warn.  There is no parent to ask!  We find ourselves spending most of our down time researching home improvement projects and watching HGTV and DIY network.  Thankfully we both love these channels! 

I have loved getting my sewing machine out and getting it broken in.  I have made curtains for our dining room so far.  I have plans for curtains in the guest rooms and our bedroom, the kitchen and laundry room as well.  But as I said as I find fabric that inspires I can make those.  It is slowly coming together and I really love how it is turning out.  It is great working on this project together.  

I am watching tomatoes come in.  We have about 20 actual tomatoes currently with about 12 more blooms waiting.  It is so exciting see actual fruit!  I can't wait to make fresh salsa and marinara this summer.  I can't wait to share them with anyone who wants them and I am so happy that I literally will have more tomatoes that I will ever know what to do with in order to do just that.

Work has been crazy as we let two employees in my department go.  It has been a relief having them gone as it made for a frustrating and uncomfortable work environment for everyone but with that comes many stresses and many challenges to keep up with the work load.  It has been exciting to see that I am a much harder worker than I ever thought I was.  And it is still a lot of fun and it is interesting learning about the business side of playgrounds.  I enjoy being challenged and I have great supervisors who are very encouraging and patient to answer my endless questions.  It is an enjoyable work environment and once we fill those open positions it will get a lot better.

I am so very thankful for awesome girlfriends that get together on Tuesday nights to have a book study.  It has been so wonderful, edifying, encouraging, and fun to get together with these dear women to learn more about God how to serve him better!  They challenge me and pray with and for me and they really are such a blessing and such a wonderful gift from God of deep community.

My Wednesday nights have freed up for the summer.  I have to say I miss my high school girls.  I still keep in touch with them and see them at church but its not quite the same as getting to pour into them weekly.  They taught me so much over the last school year and challenged me in many ways.  It was wonderful hearing their perspectives and it was so encouraging to hear such precious hearts explore God some in a deeper sense and some for the first time.  It was amazing seeing God at work in their lives.  

Mark is doing well.  We actually have some exciting ministry opportunities ahead of us.  Details will be coming as the processes continues. But I would ask you to be praying for patience and wisdom.  Also pray that we would be open to God's leading.  That we would be willing to be his vessels of service whether his plan leads us down expected paths or down completely unexpected paths.  We are very excited for the opportunities God brings to us.  And I wouldn't rather go through these adventure with anyone else! 

Betty Lou, the newest member of our family, is doing well.  She has settled in very well and is thankfully growing out of her "puppy-ness".  Meaning she doesn't destroy everything and 95% of the time she goes outside when she has to use the bathroom. She had her procedure done yesterday and she is healing well. She has been warned though that if she doesn't stop licking her sutures she will get the cone of shame. A part of me is hoping she doesn't stop because of the vast photo opportunities that would be afforded me.  

Well I think that is everything for right now. I want to get back to more spiritually minded posts again. Soon that will happen I am sure.  So hang in there! 

TTFN

Rachel

My Designing Dreams :)

It is hard to believe that a year ago I had a crush on this cute deacon in my church.  Now we are husband and wife and buying a house!  God is so incredibly good!  I didn't not see this coming and I am so glad he kept it a surprise because it makes it that much sweeter having His grace blind side you like that :)  As you know my life has been full of surprises this year and God has been behind and providing for all of the things that throw off my groove is it were.  

So we are under contract on a house here in Chattanooga.  Incredible!  I never thought I would be a homeowner before the year was out.  The process has been smooth.  The inspection was passed with flying colors and now we get to dream of what sort of stuff we want to do with this house to make it ours.  I am an architect/design nerd so I love dreaming and scheming of home improvement projects and figuring out how to make something pretty and functional.  So you can imagine my joy when we finally walked into a house that I felt inspired in!  My wheels began turning almost immediately and almost as soon as we got home I pulled up my Google SketchUp(C) program and went to town!  If you go to Zillow you can check out what the house currently looks like.  And if you scroll down you can see some of the ideas we have for our own renovations and updates.  I have to say that one of the best marriages is that of an interior designer and carpenter!  Sure makes for some enjoyable trips to the home improvement store!  :)  Enjoy!

Exterior

Overall floor plan

Living Room Detail 1

Living Room Detail 2

Dining/Kitchen Detail 1

Kitchen/Dining Detail 2

Laundry Room

Garage

Sewing Room/Office & Study

Hall Bath

Master Suite

Guest Room

Master Bath

We have to do what?...

Sometimes out of nowhere something happens and you just have to sit back and go, "Where in the world did that come from?" Well, I know that God is sovereign, so ultimately I know the answer is it did not come from this world but from God.  But there are just times when I just look up and go, "Really?"  Now, I cannot pretend to understand God's timing, plan, or wisdom.  I have no idea what he is doing and the longer I live the more I realize that. 

Wednesday was one of those days.We found out that out of nowhere and without any warning our landlord needs us to vacate our home because his son is in need of it to use as a refuge and recovery from financial troubles.  I get that it is family first.  I understand that it was a blessing and a curse not having an official lease.  I understand that this house prayerfully will be a blessing to this family with all of the repairs and updates that Mark and I have done to it.  And I pray that this home will be a place of healing and rest for this young family who needs it.  But this is the home that my husband has been working on and keeping up for 6+ years free of charge.  The home that we have been painting for months.  The home that we have been posting pictures of and excitedly talking about for months.  The home that we had our first Thanksgiving in.  The home that we already have so many memories together in.  The home that we just moved all of my stuff into a month ago.  The home that I just changed my mailing address to on Monday!  Yeah, that home. Not exactly what we were expecting when we were unpacking all of my personal belongings.

In one year we have managed to cram moving states, changing jobs, getting married, and now apparently we have to start house hunting.  Before we got married Mark and I had discussed the possibility of moving by way of either renting some place new or even buying.  We came to the conclusion that we would stay in this home and save money for seminary and the future and revisit that prospect in a couple of years.  It is interesting when you think you are doing the wise thing and you find out that God wants you to do a different wise thing.  So, we are now trying to answer all those questions we had before we were married only now we have a deadline to make them all and complete that process whatever it may be.  Questions like, do we rent or buy?  If we buy do we get a 2 bedroom or 3 bedroom?  If we buy how long term are we wanting/needing to think?  Do we try to stay in St. Elmo?  Do we try to find a halfway point between church and work?  If we buy what does that mean for seminary in the future?  Do we buy a foreclosure or do we buy a regular sale?  If we rent do we find a house that will let us keep our pit bull?  Do we send her to Indiana to stay with Mark's parents until we can take her back and get an apartment?  There are so many questions.  These are the joys of growing up I suppose. 

God has been so faithful to us even in the time of complete uncertainty.  Because through this he is causing us to lean on him and to grow in our faith.  He is causing us to learn how to be adults doing adult things that neither of us have ever done before (it helps being married to a 30 year old because you are already ahead of the game some. Just FYI, ladies).  It is causing me to seek my husband's guidance and headship over others, even my own.  And I believe it is generally bonding us closer going through this.  Honestly, there is no one I would rather go through this with than Mark Miller.  

So the moral of this story so far is yes, we have done a lot of work on this house.  Mark, far more than I.  Yes, Mark was very attached to this house and I was becoming very attached.  Yes, this is the house that we have already started creating memories in.  Yes, this is the house that we had our first Thanksgiving in and will have our first Christmas in.  Yes, we were excited about painting.  Yes, we were looking forward to several years in this house enjoying the fruits of our labors.  But God just keeps reminding me that the while the work Mark and I have done won't be benefiting us after March, it is not going to be wasted.  It is just not for who we had planned it to be.  But you know what?  It is for who God planned it to be.  And I should consider it an honor to be able to be apart of someone else's answered prayer.

TTFN

Rachel Miller

  

Confessions of A Chatty Wife!

Gosh, I love typing that word.  Wife.  It holds so much meaning, so many responsibilities, so much joy, a few frustrations, and countless blessings!  As my husband said last night, "It's not always easy but it's always good." It has been a very natural transition.  One of our friends asked us at the wedding if we felt any different.  Mark and I just looked at each other and said "No, it feels like things are finally how they should be."  Living on separate ends of town, in separate homes, living partially separate lives felt more unnatural than marriage.

Behind the Scenes on the Big Day!

So I should start off with telling you that my wedding present from my husband was to get a hotel room for my mother and I to spend the last night of my singleness bonding and catching up since planning the wedding been so all consuming for me the last few months.  I know, AWWWWW, right?  It was really a fun and special time with my mom that I will always remember and I am so thankful to my husband for making that happen.  So the night before the wedding mom and I stayed up late talking and laughing.  

And then...

My day started off VERY early thanks to my very...proactive mother.  You should know, Mama, that I can laugh about it now. At 4:00am, the morning of my wedding, my phone battery began to die and beeped to alert me.  I woke up and turned my phone off so it wouldn't wake Mom.  She was already awake, however, and no sooner had I turned my phone off than I heard her say. "Are you ready to get up?"  At FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?! Haha. See I am laughing. Haha. She graciously allowed me to sleep 3 more hours and then it was over. "We have stuff we have to do.  We have to go fill up the cars and run over to the cabin and pick stuff up and then we have to get to your hair appointment." Keep in mind my hair appointment was at 10, which was on purpose so that I could sleep in a little before...but that was not meant to be, sigh.  We filled up the cars and got over to the cabin a little before 8.  So we waited around for an hour and a half.  9:30 finally rolled around so we left, stopping at Dunkin Donuts to grab some much needed coffee, on the way. 

And so it begins!

Making progress

End product!

The morning ended up being really fun.  We all sat and talked while my AMAZING hair stylist worked.  After my hair was done we all headed to the venue.  

When we arrived people were already there hard at work!  I was completely blown away by all of my family and friends that came out to help set up!  Everywhere I looked people were busy setting up tables and chairs putting together center pieces, unloading decorations, setting up sound equipment.  It was incredibly humbling and I could never thank all those people who helped enough!  It would not have happened without you!  I am so thankful for God's provision through you.  I have never felt so loved!  After answering a few questions and delegating to my amazingly talented and capable family and friends, I was off to get ready. 

It was really crazy just how incredibly relaxed and chill I was.  I have seen and hear of those brides who are completely crazy on the day of their wedding but not me.  Literally NOTHING could wrile me.  While getting ready I get a text. My photographer is stuck in traffic and will be late.  Not a big deal.  I had already weathered my fiance's car breaking down on the way to work (which has a not so small bill attached to it) and 3 out of my 4 bridesmaids getting stuck in an elevator for 16 whole minutes earlier in the week.  

The infamous elevator...but we are smiling!

I could handle traffic.  A few minutes later I get a phone call.  My fiance and 3 of his groomsmen just got a flat tire on the way to the venue and were stranded on the side of the road.  

Thankfully, Drew was wearing his life preserver.

Calling for back up...

Last minute touchs on the guest book that turned out awesome!

And they all made it safely and Stephen didn't get his shirt diry.

So glad my brother-in-law got pictures of this!  No big deal.  Off my uncle's went to fetch them.  Miraculously, through the whole process of the tire we found some decorations that had been MIA.  See, God provided!  

My amazing and wonderful photographer arrived! Pictures will be coming.  She was snapping pictures left and right.  Then she asked if she could borrow the dress to get some pictures of it outside.  "Sure go ahead!"  We are all still getting all dolled up.  When she returns with the dress I hear my Matron of Honor gasp! "Oh no! Look at the front of the dress!!!" I turn around and burst out laughing.  The entire bust of the dress is COVERED in black dirt!  My photographer has this look of sheer horror on her face and looks like she is about to throw up.  No big deal.  "It is totally fine!  It is just a dress!  I'm sure it will come out!" With a wet rag and a little elbow grease my photographer cleaned it right up.  You would never have known!  See, God provided!

I will stop there for now because I want to make sure that you have pictures to go along with the rest of my day you will have to wait for that.  I also need to go back to doing laundry, go grocery shopping, tidying up, grabbing a few things still left over at my apartment, etc.  

TTFN!

Rachel Miller

Wedding Project #6: T - 14 days!!!!

Oh my word, guys!  I can hardly believe it!  This time last year I was job hunting, praying that I would find something that would keep me in this new town.  And today, I am picking up my wedding dress!  Could you have imagined it?  I certainly couldn't have!  God is incredible! 

So, my last post was not the typical wedding preparation post.  I get that.  Since I wrote that post I have been doing even more praying and I know that y'all have as well.  Thank you!  I began praying very specifically for God to relieve the anxiety, the over analyzing, and the attacks for just a couple of weeks so that I could actually have joy and be excited again.  So that I could revel in the last few days leading up to my wedding and have the anticipation and hope and joy that every bride is supposed to feel!  This is the beginning of a new stage in our lives and this is the beginning of something special and ordained by God.  Everything is done for our good.  Sometimes we can see it and sometimes we can't and this is the time that I should be able to revel in tasting and seeing that the Lord is good.  I want to thank y'all for your prayers!  They have been felt and I am happy to report have been answered!  God has seen fit to allow me the joy that this time warrants and I have been loving these last few days.  I won't lie and say that I don't still have bad days.  But they are fewer and farther between now and the excitement and anticipation is palpable! 

We have started pre-marital counseling and that has been invaluable even just the 2 sessions we have had so far.  It is wonderful having a pastor who is objective that can look at our relationship and encourage the strengths and warn us against pitfalls.  I think that has also been very influential in reminding me just how good this is.

I have pretty much confirmed everything with everybody. I am in the process of making final payments and what not.  Everything is going very smoothly.  It is an odd sensation to know that the wedding is only 2 weeks away.  I keep thinking I am doing everything WAY to early but NOPE! It is about time I got cracking on all the finishing details! 

Please keep the prayers coming!  Pray that everything will go smoothly, that the joy will remain, that everyone will travel safely, and that our marriage would be one that people look at and see Christ.  Also pray for my sanity.  Between church responsibilities, work, wedding, and countless other little things I need as much mental fortitude as I can get.  Much love to all!  I will try to post again before the wedding but I really can't make any promises, haha!

TTFN
The Future Mrs. Miller

EWF seeking GOD: Deliver us from the evil one...

If you haven't noticed, it has been a while since I have posted.  And what I am about to write might seem strange to some of you who read this.  Quite frankly, the reason why I haven't written anything is because I have had absolutely nothing I have wanted to say.  Honestly, I have been hiding from my blog and my readers because I have felt like I couldn't be real with you anymore.  Ever since a few days after our engagement I have had this dark cloud hanging over me.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I was getting married!  Shouldn't I be happy?  Shouldn't I be on cloud 9?  Well, before I go any further let me say EMPHATICALLY that this is NOT a broken engagement announcement.  Far from it! 

Last night after my fiance left my apartment I began praying, as I have been for months now.  Father, what is wrong with me? Why am I so negative now? Why am I so insecure? Why am I so spiritually cold? You see since Mark proposed I have been having the hardest time finding joy.  There are moments in the beginning when I was able to basque in God's goodness and blessings as past posts can attest.  But as the wedding date drew closer I began feeling more and more distance between me and, well, everything.  I started reading my Bible more.  It got worse.  I started leading a high school girls Bible study. It got worse.  I started praying more.  It got worse.  I started reading spiritual books on marriage.  It got worse.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  What could possibly be having this kind of effect on me?  Where was this darkness coming from?  It was clear there was nothing medically wrong.  I had just gotten a clean bill of health from my doctor.  And the fact that these feelings were not constant but really only came at very particular times and instances.  They came when I read my Bible; when I prepared my lesson for the high school girls, when I would listen to Christian music, etc.  So what would cause something like this?  And at such odd timing.  I never had a doubt that this is where God wants me and this is the direction He wants me to go and that this marriage is of Him.  Yet my engagement and my spiritual pursuits seemed to be in direct relation to what I was going through.   Mark and my entire relationship is based on a passionate desire for ministry.  We are great encouragement to each other in those pursuits.  We help each other and offer strengths and personal gifts to each other that are otherwise lacking.  We teach each things about God's character and about how He would have us minister and grow in our relationships with Him.  With all of that going for our relationship who could have a problem with it?  So last night as I was praying it struck me.  I was under attack.  Satan has been trying to sabatogue me since I agreed to marry Mark.  Satan has been picking at insecurities in my Father, in my fiance, in the gifts God has given me.  He knows where to attack because he makes it his personal mission to study those in opposition to him.  He has to if he is going to gain any ground in his futile struggle against my Father.  But that is the glorious thing about his struggle. It is FUTILE!  He has no power against the One who holds my future in His hands.  And Satan knows that! But he still fights ever harder.  He can't attack God directly, he can only try to manipulate His people.  Even then only so far as God allows.  Satan is on a leash!  And he is subject to the sovereignty of God.  This not only gives us hope for our own lives but also for every area of life.  Including the election and world news.  Psalm 37 says,

1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

be not envious of wrongdoers!

2 For they will soon fade like the grass

and wither like the green herb.

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.[b]

4 Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,

over the man who carries out evil devices!

8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!

Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,

but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;

though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.

11 But the meek shall inherit the land

and delight themselves in abundant peace.

12 The wicked plots against the righteous

and gnashes his teeth at him,

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he sees that his day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose way is upright;

15 their sword shall enter their own heart,

and their bows shall be broken.

16 Better is the little that the righteous has

than the abundance of many wicked.

17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,

but the Lord upholds the righteous.

18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,

and their heritage will remain forever;

19 they are not put to shame in evil times;

in the days of famine they have abundance.

20 But the wicked will perish;

the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;

they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows but does not pay back,

but the righteous is generous and gives;

22 for those blessed by the Lord[c] shall inherit the land,

but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,

when he delights in his way;

24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,

for the Lord upholds his hand.

25 I have been young, and now am old,

yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken

or his children begging for bread.

26 He is ever lending generously,

and his children become a blessing.

27 Turn away from evil and do good;

so shall you dwell forever.

28 For the Lord loves justice;

he will not forsake his saints.

They are preserved forever,

but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.

29 The righteous shall inherit the land

and dwell upon it forever.

30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,

and his tongue speaks justice.

31 The law of his God is in his heart;

his steps do not slip.

32 The wicked watches for the righteous

and seeks to put him to death.

33 The Lord will not abandon him to his power

or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way,

and he will exalt you to inherit the land;

you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

35 I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,

spreading himself like a green laurel tree.[d]

36 But he passed away,[e] and behold, he was no more;

though I sought him, he could not be found.

37 Mark the blameless and behold the upright,

for there is a future for the man of peace.

38 But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;

the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

39 The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.

40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;

he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,

because they take refuge in him.

How can the Psalmist say these things?  Because death has been overcome!  Because Satan has been defeated!  Christ went to the cross in our place to bring that about!  It is because of His sacrifice.  We are living in the fulfillment of the promise God gives Adam and Eve in the Garden after the fall, that Satan would bruise the heal of the Second Adam but that He would crush his head!  Romans 8 says,

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be[i] against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So this is by no means a post of surrender.  This is a declaration of war.  Because I can guarantee this is just the beginning.  We are venturing into a veritable mine field in a battle for our marriage for the next 50+ years and we are determined to fight for it because God is for us!  So pray along with us now and throughout our marriage.  Pray for strength because it is not in and of ourselves and our own strength.  And God's strength is sufficient.  So pray for a constant surrendering of our lives to Christ and a dying to self that God may be glorified in this marriage.  And pray especially for me that "Strength and dignity would be [my] clothing" and that I would have joy and be able to "laugh at the time to come" (Proverbs 31:25).
God is at work! The Future Mrs. Miller