The Adventure Continues

The last post I wrote was a very hard post to write for me.  As many of you know the very reason I started this blog was to invite you into a journey towards fulltime ministry.  When I began this blog I was hopeful and expectant of what I thought the journey would look like.  There were doubts and some trepidation of course as I welcomed you into my insecurity but I felt a call and I some how thought that automatically guaranteed my plans. I had visions of meeting with college girls and being as well loved as my own RUF intern had been. I imagined hard struggles but mostly good memories of diving head first into college ministry, changing the world one freshman at a time.  I could picture meeting another like minded college ministry focused guy, falling madly in love, and then embarking on the great adventure that is RUF Campus Ministry life. With each blog post I wrote the more my imagination ran and the more deeply in love I fell with my wonderful plan for my life. I just knew that God couldn't deny such a good and heart felt desire that I felt so clearly called to. And then He did. The rug seemingly got ripped out from under me and suddenly I was having to write that shame filled post informing everyone that I had failed. That I had got it wrong. That I had been rejected. That the door to what I wanted my life to be had been slammed in my face. The hurt was so real I could taste it and it was bitter. It has taken a long time to heal.  In fact, the broken bits still cause me discomfort at times, which, is why inviting you into that vulnerability again was even more difficult this time.  But I knew I needed to write it.  I had to share. I had to allow myself to be vulnerable again because I need prayer. I need accountability. I need to swallow my pride.  There were still wounds from the past and this time it didn't involve just me. I didn't want my husband to have to go through the hurt that my heart had suffered. I did not think I could take it if another door closed yet again for both of us.  I couldn't bare to see that look in my love's eyes.  When I wrote my last post I didn't want to hope. I didn't want to dream. I wanted to state the facts. I wanted to ask for prayer because I knew whatever my next post would be it would be a difficult one because either way there were rough times ahead and only the grace of God and much prayer would get us through.

I was working late one Friday night a few weeks ago. I was tired and very ready to go home. That was when I received a phone call from my husband.  "I did it!" Those were the 3 words I didn't dare to hope for.  Those 3 little words that have changed everything and instantly brought tears of joy and relief. The letter that began with "I am please to inform you . . . " My husband was resoundingly accepted into seminary! He begins in the Fall.

My prayers are as follows:
1. That I will be the supportive and encouraging wife my husband needs.
2. Perseverance and strength through Christ.
3. Growth in grace as our Father molds us into His image.

Thanks be to God!!!!!
REM

Codependency

In my book study on Tuesday nights some girlfriends and I have been going through the book "When People Are Big And God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man" by Edward Welch.  The entire book talks about the fear of man.  At first I wondered how relevant the book would be for me because I always prided myself on the fact that I never really cared what people thought of me.  I never really worried about pleasing people.  I'm pretty confident in most circumstances.  So when I read the description of the book and about how it would help me get over my fear of people I was a little confused.  But knowing how God works I knew that I would learn plenty from reading it and if not then maybe the book would be a benefit for someone else in the group.  After all it is not all about me.  As we started delving into the book I quickly realized how appropriate this book is for me.  Although the majority of my life is not spent in peer pressure or in a fear of man, although more and more I am learning that many of my thoughts and actions that get me the most frustrated and into trouble have to do with an essence of this, the real culprit is codependency.  For those of you who know me this might come as quite a surprise.  I am a very independent person by nature.  I like to do things for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I enjoy concurring tasks by myself and I don't need anyone to get the job done.  On an external level this is very true.  I am a doer.  I am a fixer.  I ask people for advice not permission.  I am woman hear me roar.  When it comes to actions I am far from codependent. Now that I have properly beat my chest and done my Rosie the Riveter pose lets get to the heart of it, literally.

When it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete contradiction.  My heart craves desperately to be loved by those that I love.  For those few people that I allow into my world, my real world, there is a tremendous burden placed on them. Unbeknownst to them ,I am constantly analyzing their love for me.  Is it real?  Do they love someone else more? Do I really matter to them?  Do they love me as much as I love them? Are they going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what they expect?  In this deep part of my heart there is a whole other me that few people ever see.  I am confident and carefree in most situations and sometimes that in genuine.  But when it comes to people that I care about it is a whole other story.  This doesn't just end with my earthly relationships either.  My relationship with God is stained with this desperate need and crippling doubt.  

So why share this? Here. In such a public forum where I know multiple people will read this?  Well, they say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one.  And this blog from the very beginning was to preach the Gospel to myself and to use my life as encouragement to others.  Because odds are there is someone else out there reading this going "Oh my gosh, me too!"  And to you, friend and my own heart I say in the words of Paul,

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." ~ Romans 5:1-11

With such rich promises from the very word of God! These are promises for His children!  And if you haven't come to Him these promises can be yours! God is where real lasting perfect love is!  God is love!  It is free!  Those fears I listed before lets look at them again in light of this Scripture.  Is it real? Yes! Does He love some else more? How could He love me more? Do I really matter to Him? How could I not matter to Him when He sent His Son to die in my place! Does He love me as much as I love Him? He loves me more than I could ever love Him because He loves me perfectly! Is He going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what He expects?  Guess what! Nothing surprises Him! He knows my inmost being and He has forgiven me and loves me in spite of it! 

So when I doubt my number one turn is to the Scripture where there are endless promises and truths about where I really stand with God and people.  Because of Christ's sacrifice I have peace with God.  Not because of who I am or what I can offer it is because of Christ's perfect life and willing death on my behalf!  If that doesn't inspire confidence and security I don't know what will!  In the end I am still dependent.  I am 100% completely dependent on Christ! And I am completely okay with that!

TTFN!

REM

E(ngaged)WF seeking GOD: In Remembrance of Me

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”  In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”  For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes. 

~ 1 Corinthians 11:23-26

There has been a kind of fog hanging over me spiritually though.  That has been the case for a few weeks now actually.  That is probably a lot of the reason why I have been so scant in my postings.  It seems I always have some excuse for not posting haha.  Well, this spiritual fog I have been in has been affecting really everything, from wedding planning, to Bible study, to time spent with my fiance. You name it, this cloud has been following me every where and raining on every area of my life it seems.  

Something you might not know about me is that I am a pretty heavy thinker.  I analyze everything!  I analyze people, situations, objects, conversations, specific words, facial expressions, body language, tones of voice, scenarios, etc.  For someone who seems very light hearted and carefree, I spend a lot of time in my head, to much time probably.  Well, even if you didn't know that about me Satan sure does.  He also knows that is my weakest spot.  That is a the biggest chink in my armor.  I analyze everything.  It can be good and it can also be very dangerous because with that analysis comes questions and with questions comes doubts.  I doubt everything.  I doubt people, situations, objects, people's sincerity, people's love, tones of voices, specific words.  Most frightening of all I doubt God.  I doubt His love. I doubt His provision.  I doubt His very existence!  Yeah, I know I just admitted it.  In my darkest moments, I question how could this all be real.  How could He be real?  In his book The Reason for God, Tim Keller writes, "A faith without some doubts is like a human body without antibodies in it.  People who blithely go through life to busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing of questions of a smart skeptic. A person's faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection." Being the type of person that I am I think I will always have seasons of doubt.  I will always have to revisit Scripture, godly counsel, and prayer during these seasons, just as I must do these things during seasons of strong faith and assurance.  I admit that I don't have all the answers.  There are tough questions out there and I am thankful for books like The Reason for God that can help remind me of the truths in Scripture and can speak to this analytical brain and answer a lot of those questions.  Satan has the strength to speak a lot of doubt into my head but God has more power to speak assurance to my soul.  

Today was a crazy morning.  In rushing around trying to grab everything to check out of my hotel room in St. Louis, I left my phone in my room.  I didn't remember it until about 20 minutes later.  One thing after another and the clock was ticking away and we became later and later in leaving for church. I began questioning whether there was even any point in going to church.  But through the frustration my foggy heart cried out for church. I knew I needed to go.  I needed church this morning.  A part of me ached for it.  I go to church every Sunday but this morning especially I was feeling the need for it acutely.  After house keeping tracked down my phone and after getting lost on the way to church we arrive at church, frustrated, annoyed, tired and 30 minutes late but we were there.  Today was communion.  Today the Gospel was fed to my soul.  It was beautiful.  Every time I take communion I feel refreshed, revitalized, and restored.  I needed that this morning!  Whoever says there is not power in communion is dead wrong because communion will heal your sin sick soul, believer.  I began meditating on the verses above in 1 Corinthians.  The words "in remembrance of Me" struck me.  Communion is a time to remember, to meditate, to think.  Of all the things I can over think I can never over think the Gospel.  I can never focus to much on my Lord.  I will think on Him.  He can handle my doubts.  He can handle my questions.  He can feed my soul in abundance.   

My prayer tonight is, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."

SWF seeking GOD: Evening Encouragement

So Saturday night I was reading my Morning & Evening before bed.  I found this beautiful encouragement within its pages that really spoke to my heart in light of the Stuck Outside the Garden post.  It was a good reminder that God sent me here (Click here).  He would not have done so had He not had a reason and a purpose behind it.  He is not going to leave me here without guidance or aid.  Praise the Lord! 

May 12                                                                                                                                         Evening

"Fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation: I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again." Genesis 46:3,4

Jacob must have shuddered at the thought of leaving the land of his father's sojourning, and dwelling among heathen strangers.  It was a new scene, and likely to be a trying one: who shall venture among courtiers of a foreign monarch without anxiety?  Yet the way was evidently appointed for him, and therefore he resolved to go.  This is frequently the position of believers now - they are called to perils and temptations altogether untried; at such seasons let them imitate Jacob's example by offering sacrifices of prayer unto God, and seeking His direction; let them not take a step until they have waited upon the Lord for His blessing: then they will have Jacob's companion to be their friend and helper.  How blessed to feel assured that the Lord is with us all our ways, and condescends to go down into our humiliations and banishments with us!  Even beyond the ocean our Father's love beams like the sun in its strength. We cannot hesitate to go where Jehovah promises His presence; even the valley of deathshade grows bright with the radiance of this assurance.  Marching onwards with faith in their God, believers shall have Jacob's promise.  They shall be brought up again, whether it be from the troubles of life or the chambers of death.  Jacob's seed cam out of Egypt in due time, and so shall all the faithful pass unscathed through the tribulations of life, and terror of death.  Let us exercise Jacob's confidence. 'Fear not', is the Lord's command and His divine encouragement to those who at His bidding are launching upon new seas; the divine presence and preservation forbid so much as one unbelieving fear.  Without our God we should fear to move; but when He bids us go, it would be dangerous to tarry.  Reader, go forward, and fear not.

God is at work!  

TTFN~

REE

The Bookworm Project #4: The ESV Study Bible

The ESV Study Bible

It has happened.  As some would say, I have seen the light.  As some others would say, I have been bitten by the bug.  As still others might say, I have drank the Cool-Aid.  One night, at our college and young adults book study of Knowing God by J. I. Packer, I had raised a "devil's advocate" question.  Yes, I am that person.  I like to ask those questions to understand better and be able to have a response for when the tough questions are asked of me.  After spurring some very interesting discussion our company adjourned and my boyfriend and I went back to his house to hang out.  He and I continued discussing my question on the drive home and on arriving he quickly retrieved from his room his ESV Study Bible.  Having been in RUF for several years I had certainly heard of the ESVSB.  I had heard people sing its praises and tout its wonders but I had never really thought much of it.  I already have a Reformation Study Bible that R.C. Sproul's ministry had produced some 15 years back (Whoa! Suddenly feeling old...) and I figured that one study Bible was like the rest.  Well boy was I dead wrong.  As Mark and I began flipping through the pages researching my question I was more and more drawn in to just how many references we were coming up with.  Verses were being connected from all over the Bible.  The commentary was fascinating.  There were detailed maps.  There were extensive notes.  It was love.  I had to have this Bible.  

A few weeks later I promptly went out and bought my own personal copy.  I absolutely love it!  Now, normally I don't write a book review for a book I haven't read all the way through yet.  But since this is a Bible and that could take a year at least for that to happen I figured I would review it anyway and let you know that if you do not have one of these in your library you should invest in one.  It is a wonderful, easy to understand, resource to deepen your knowledge and love for the Scriptures.  

SWF seeking GOD: The Gospel in Ephesians

So I have been listening to a sermon series by Clay Werner, a friend of my boyfriend.  Clay is the senior pastor of Lexington Presbyterian Church in Lexington, SC.  He was also an associate pastor here in Chattanooga at Lookout Mountain Presbyterian Church for several years.  He has been doing a series at LPC in SC on Ephesians and I have been listening.  I just wanted to share these sermons with you because they are something that everyone needs to hear.  

There will be new personal posts coming.  I am terribly sorry I have been so lax.  There have been a lot of crazy things at work and many other exciting and distracting things going on in my life lately.  Note the word "boyfriend" in the first paragraph, so don't you worry I will be filling you in as soon as I get some time to organize my thoughts for a moment.  

Grace And Peace To You - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 1, 2012)

To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace - Eph. 1:3-10 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 8, 2012)

We Love Him Because He First Loved Us - Eph. 1:11-14 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 15, 2012)

Eyes Wide Open - Eph. 1:15-23 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 22, 2012)

The Bad News - Eph. 2:1-3 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Jan. 29, 2012)

But God - Eph. 2:4-10 - John Crosby, Lexington PC 

(Feb. 5, 2012)

God's Blueprint For His People - Eph. 2:17-22 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC
(Feb.19, 2012)

The Unsearchable Riches Of Christ - Eph 3:1-13 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Feb. 26, 2012)

A Prayer To Know Christs Unknowable Love - Eph. 3:14-21 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 4, 2012)

Gospel Transitions - Eph. 4:1 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 11, 2012)

Gospel Character That Maintains Gospel Unity - Eph.4:1-6 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 18, 2012)

Grace Equips Us To Serve Others - Eph. 4:7-16 - Clay Werner, Lexington PC 

(Mar. 25, 2012)

Hope y'all enjoy these as much as I did!

TTFN

REE~

SWF seeking GOD: The Redeemer

So it is really late right now…2:31am to be exact and I find myself wide awake.  I figure what better thing to do with this time than to meditate on my Redeemer.  It took me a few tries to decide on which of His names I wanted to go with.  There are hundreds to choose from.  But in light of the passage I just read Redeemer won out.  I just read Hosea 7:11-16

“Ephraim is like a dove, easily deceived and senseless – now calling to Egypt, now turning to Assyria.  When they go, I will throw my net over them; I will pull them down like the birds in the sky.  When I hear them flocking together, I will catch them.  Woe to them, because they have strayed from me!  Destruction to them, because they have rebelled against me!  I long to redeem them but they speak about me falsely.  They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail on their beds.  They slash themselves, appealing to their gods for grain and new wine, but they turn away from me.  I trained them and strengthened their arms but they plot evil against me.  They do not turn to the Most High; they are like a faulty bow.  Their leaders will fall by the sword because of their insolent words.  For this day will be ridiculed in the land of Egypt.”

I have been reading through Hosea in order to prepare for the upcoming Bible study I will be leading for the young women of my church.  When I got to this passage tonight I felt it resonate with me in a very palpable way.  I have found that being a theatrical and dramatic person is a wonderful gift, especially when it comes to reading scripture.  Being able to take words and inject emotions and life into them really can change your entire perspective on a passage.  Try imagining the wonder and awe of Creation as you read Genesis 1 and 2 out loud and see if you don’t look at grass and trees and the moon and sun just a little bit differently.  As I read these 6 verses I really began to taste the anguish woven into the words.  Allow me to paint a picture for you. 

The light from the crackling fire gave off an eerie glow to what should have been a warm and inviting scene.  He sat in the chair next to me gazing into the flames burning in front of us.  He hadn’t spoken in what seemed like an eternity, the crackle the only thing breaking the night’s silence.  I studied His face in the wavering glow.  The lines in His face were deep and professed the lack of sleep and pain.  The look in His eye was distant, the flame’s dance completely lost on the beholder.  I turned my attention back to the hearth as the silence reigned.  “She is like a dove, easily deceived and senseless.”  His hoarse voice cut the air, startling me.  “She turns this way for comfort.  She turns that way for love.  When she runs again I’m not letting her get away.  I will hold her here with all the strength I have in My body.” His voice faltered but His eyes glowed with a strength far surpassing their reflected embers.  “How dare she run from me?  There are consequences for the damage she causes.  She must be held accountable for her actions against me!” His gravel voice seemed to fill the room.  He clenched His fist several times then in a whisper that betrayed the tears just below the surface, “I want so desperately to take her in my arms and hold her and not let go, but she fights me at every turn, and spreads lies about me.” The passion and pain in His voice had me frozen in awe.  He loved her.  After all that she had done, He loved her still.  “I hear her at night sobbing into her pillow when she thinks I am not listening.  I am right there ready to embrace and to comfort her but she pushes me away every chance.” He looked down mournfully at His now open hands.  “What’s worse, she accepts comfort from others.  She runs to everyone but Me for her solace.”  He swallowed back a sob.  “I have given her everything!  All that I have is hers and she still tries to ruin me.  Everyone and everything she runs to will fail her.  They have failed her and still she hunts after them.”  He shook His head, not in disgust or mockery, but in pity.  How could such love exist?  This one who has refused Him at every turn, who has cheated on Him, who had greedily taken everything He has ever given with little to no appreciation or acknowledgement whatsoever, this one who did not even know the meaning of the word love, how could it be that He loved and pursued this creature so passionately?  The logs in the hearth had been reduced to mere embers, His words having seemingly stolen the fire from them.  He still loves her.

When I have read passages in the past where God is speaking as He does in Hosea of the consequences of sin I always read it as angry.  And I do believe that there is anger and pain when we sin against God.  The Bible makes it very clear that God does not turn a blind eye or shrug His shoulders when His children sin.  But the anger that is displayed time and time again is that of a parent or a jealous husband.  Let’s be honest here, people.  Most of us if not all of us don’t want to be held responsible for our actions and don’t want to think of God has having any right to be angry with us because hey we only are human.  When a wife cheats on her husband does the husband have any right to be angry?  Of course he does!  This woman who has vowed to love and honor him, who has pledged her faithfulness and support to him, who has made a covenant before God and man to forsake all others save him has destroyed every promise made.  When a child deliberately disobeys their parent and runs away, does the parent have a right to be upset? Absolutely!  This child who has been loved and cared for, who has been fed and clothed, who has been delighted in and shepherded has tossed aside all that as though it were worthless and gone out on his own because he can do it so much better.  Y’all, this is me!  This is you!  I am the wayward wife and the disobedient child!  Everything we have comes from the very hand of God and we throw it back in His face because we know better.  Or we snatch it from His hand greedily without as much as a “thank you”.  Why?  Because we don’t want Him cramping out style.  We don’t want to be told “no”.  Everything has to be our way!  Tonight as I read this passage my heart broke over my sin.  I am constantly trying to get everything I can from God without having to give anything in return.  I am always on the lookout for escapes so I can go back to doing my own thing without being tied down.  I push Him away because I don’t trust that He truly cares about me.  I throw tantrums when He tells me no.  I find my solace and my support and my drive in idols.  I worship the god of comfort and safety and happiness.  I fear the unknown.  Left to myself I am a wreck and a half.  But the glorious news is that He won’t leave me to myself.  He tells me no when I want Him to get away.  He pursues me with a passion that is incomprehensible.  He pulls me back every time I try to wrestle away from Him.  He listens to me when I think I am all alone.  He welcomes me back with open arms and redeems my broken heart and filthy hands.  He wipes my tears and He rejoices when I return to Him.  Why does He do all of these things?  Because He loves me!  Because He desires me!  Because I am His and He is mine!  Because He is merciful and gracious!  It has nothing to do with me.  It has nothing to do with what I can offer Him.  It has everything to do with who He is.  The Redeemer!

Hallelujah! God is at work!

TTFN~

REE