For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.
~ 1 Corinthians 11:23-26
There has been a kind of fog hanging over me spiritually though. That has been the case for a few weeks now actually. That is probably a lot of the reason why I have been so scant in my postings. It seems I always have some excuse for not posting haha. Well, this spiritual fog I have been in has been affecting really everything, from wedding planning, to Bible study, to time spent with my fiance. You name it, this cloud has been following me every where and raining on every area of my life it seems.
Something you might not know about me is that I am a pretty heavy thinker. I analyze everything! I analyze people, situations, objects, conversations, specific words, facial expressions, body language, tones of voice, scenarios, etc. For someone who seems very light hearted and carefree, I spend a lot of time in my head, to much time probably. Well, even if you didn't know that about me Satan sure does. He also knows that is my weakest spot. That is a the biggest chink in my armor. I analyze everything. It can be good and it can also be very dangerous because with that analysis comes questions and with questions comes doubts. I doubt everything. I doubt people, situations, objects, people's sincerity, people's love, tones of voices, specific words. Most frightening of all I doubt God. I doubt His love. I doubt His provision. I doubt His very existence! Yeah, I know I just admitted it. In my darkest moments, I question how could this all be real. How could He be real? In his book The Reason for God, Tim Keller writes, "A faith without some doubts is like a human body without antibodies in it. People who blithely go through life to busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing of questions of a smart skeptic. A person's faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection." Being the type of person that I am I think I will always have seasons of doubt. I will always have to revisit Scripture, godly counsel, and prayer during these seasons, just as I must do these things during seasons of strong faith and assurance. I admit that I don't have all the answers. There are tough questions out there and I am thankful for books like The Reason for God that can help remind me of the truths in Scripture and can speak to this analytical brain and answer a lot of those questions. Satan has the strength to speak a lot of doubt into my head but God has more power to speak assurance to my soul.
Today was a crazy morning. In rushing around trying to grab everything to check out of my hotel room in St. Louis, I left my phone in my room. I didn't remember it until about 20 minutes later. One thing after another and the clock was ticking away and we became later and later in leaving for church. I began questioning whether there was even any point in going to church. But through the frustration my foggy heart cried out for church. I knew I needed to go. I needed church this morning. A part of me ached for it. I go to church every Sunday but this morning especially I was feeling the need for it acutely. After house keeping tracked down my phone and after getting lost on the way to church we arrive at church, frustrated, annoyed, tired and 30 minutes late but we were there. Today was communion. Today the Gospel was fed to my soul. It was beautiful. Every time I take communion I feel refreshed, revitalized, and restored. I needed that this morning! Whoever says there is not power in communion is dead wrong because communion will heal your sin sick soul, believer. I began meditating on the verses above in 1 Corinthians. The words "in remembrance of Me" struck me. Communion is a time to remember, to meditate, to think. Of all the things I can over think I can never over think the Gospel. I can never focus to much on my Lord. I will think on Him. He can handle my doubts. He can handle my questions. He can feed my soul in abundance.
My prayer tonight is, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."