Daily Bread

I don't know if you know this about me but I go through seasons of anxiety.  The majority of the time I am ok.  But about once or twice a year I will go through a several weeks of frequent moderate anxiety attacks. I have been doing this cycle pretty much my whole life.  I used to be afraid of meteors coming and crushing my house, I was afraid of the house catching on fire, the goat man, Big Foot, and spiders in my bed.  Over the years I have grown up and matured. I thought that meant I would grow out of being afraid of things but not so much. I am still afraid of spiders but I have pretty much out grown monsters and meteors. Now, I find that I focus mostly on physical discomfort. Sickness and persecution or the two biggies now. During one of these anxious seasons my book study group decided to start reading the book Running Scared by Ed Welch.  If that name sounds familiar that is because this is the second book I have read this year that he authored.  The first one being When People Are Big And God Is Small. Both of these books are excellent and I highly recommend them.  Running Scared is incredibly candid discussion about the spiritual side of fear.  The author is very open about his own struggles with fear, which was the first realization I had. Other people had fears. I always kind of felt alone in my fear, which I think is a pretty common side effect of fear.  Partially because fear is an embarrassing confession. Fear equals weakness. As I turned page after page I felt like I was reading directly from my own heart. Although there was a mature understanding of fear that I knew I was deeply lacking. He kept referring to the account in Exodus 16 where God provides manna and quail for Israel in the wilderness. As he continued to reiterate God's provision in the wilderness it began to click.

Fear is directly related to a lack of knowledge. Fear of the unknown is people's number one fear. We are afraid because we don't know what is ahead of us. We don't know what the future holds. Then came the sucker punch to the gut. We are afraid because we don't know God. The story of Israel and manna is about God's provision of daily bread, which pointed directly to His unfailing provision of grace. God gives us "daily bread" or daily grace. Think about Israel. God gave them very clear instructions. They were to go out in the morning, every morning, 6 days out of the week and gather mysterious and miraculous bread that appeared like dew. They were to gather only what they and all those in their household needed for that day. Gathering more than needed did no good because it rotted by the next day. In this way God kept Israel from hedging their bets. This way they couldn't say, "We got enough for the next day so in case God forgets or miscalculates how much we really need, we are ok." It also kept them from saying, "Well, we gathered enough for the next week so we can relax and sleep in the next couple of days." The Sabbath was the only day they didn't go out and gather because the day before God provided enough manna for 2 days so that His people could rest. You might ask what all of this has to do with fear. Let me tell you. I fear the future and discomfort because I think that my God has underestimated how much manna I need. I think He will forget a day and I will be on my own. I go about my day never realizing that His grace is sufficient. I feel like I have to add something to the equation in order for it to meet my needs. Or I think I have to do it all by myself. I have means of grace right there in front of me that I use throughout the day without even realizing it. Either I attribute it to myself or I don't even think about it because I take it for granted. I have His Word. I have a direct line of communication to Him through prayer. I have wonderful and godly people God has blessed me with to minister to my soul. I have access to this same God that provided manna and quail to a messy, grumbling, fearful, insignificant little nation. My messy, grumbling, fearful, insignificant little soul matters to Him. And therefore He has promised and provides my daily portion of grace.  My soul is cherished by Him. Because of His Son everything that is Christ's is now mine. That is my daily bread! He gives that to me for today. He has not given it to me for tomorrow, or in 2 weeks, or in 2 years. I have it today. I know that I will have it tomorrow but I do not have it yet. God takes one day at a time with us because He knows that is all we can handle. It also is to remind us that He is the giver and sustainer of grace. I have never gone a day when I can remember laying my head on the pillow and going "God it wasn't enough. I ran out mid day and had to fend for myself." I know it will be enough because it always has been enough. I don't know how but it has. For whatever lies ahead I know that my daily bread will be enough to sustain me though my worst fears befall me. I don't know what that could even begin to look like. I don't know how it could even be possible that I would have grace to withstand the unknown. But then again I guess I do. Christ. Christ plus nothing equals everything. I have enough for today. I will have it for tomorrow.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Cor. 12:9. 

"If God is for me, who can be against me?" - Romans 8:31. 

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid." - Psalm 27:1

"I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13

 

I don't need to fear because my God knows, has written my future and He already knows my prescribed dose of grace needed for each day ahead. So I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I can't stock pile grace and I don't need to hedge my bets. God says, "Tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own." I will not meet tomorrow with a grace shortage which gives me the beautiful freedom to love and serve today.

 

Now here's praying that I remember that :)

REM

 

Disclaimer: There is a medical side to fear and anxiety that I did not talk about because I know nothing about it. This is meant solely for the discussion of fear's spiritual side and implications.



The New Adventure for 2014

The very catalyst for this blog’s existence is rooted deeply in a love and desire for ministry.  Throughout the years that I have been writing this blog you have gone along with me on the ups and downs and the doors opening and closing.  It has been a road that at times has been bright and exciting and time when the road has been so flooded with tears that I couldn’t even see the road anymore.  Ministry is not an easy thing to be called too.  It calls you to make a vocation of being others-focused, which for any human heart, particularly mine, is no small request.  It commands you to step out of your comfort zone and talk to people who might reject you, mock you, or even harm you.  So far it has demanded more faith from me than anything ever has and it is not even my literal job yet.  There are times when fear sets in.  There are times when doubts arise.  There are times when I am discouraged or tired or just want to be selfish for a while.  There are times when I think, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just not go there? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just keep to myself and let the world just pass me by in peace?”  There are times when I think, “What if I got this wrong? What if I totally misinterpreted God’s leading? What if I completely missed the boat?”  There are even more times when my brain screams, “Lord, you picked the wrong girl! I can’t do this! I am too messy!  I am too broken! I am too afraid! I am too self-concerned! I am not cut out for this. How could I possibly be any use to you in this? You have clearly made a mistake.” Strangely enough though in spite of all of that, most times I am so on fire about doing full time ministry that my skin tingles with excitement.  Either I will be talking to a coworker or I will be teaching my high school discipleship group or having coffee with a friend or I will just be sitting in a sermon and I will be flooded with a renewed sense of purpose.  In those little flashes God refutes my doubts and my objections.  He speaks truth back into me and says, “Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, and I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).” 

It is with all of that I invite you deeper into my world of ministry.  I welcome you to come along with Mark and me as we set out on an adventure.  I beg you to pray with and for us as we step out on faith to pursue what we believe whole-heartedly God has called of us for our marriage.  Last fall Mark applied to the Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) in Atlanta, GA.  It is our hope and prayer that in the fall of 2014 he will begin online and commuter classes in their Diploma program with the end goal of becoming an ordained pastor in the Presbyterian Church in America.  RTS accepts a small percentage of non-degreed applicants every semester.  Mark has his Associates degree but not Bachelors at this time although he has completed a number of accredited hours through correspondence courses at The Bible Institute in South Africa (BISA).  We have had almost all of our paperwork submitted to RTS since October.  We have just one last document to get to them and that is Marks transcripts from BISA.  Unfortunately, BISA has been on their summer break for the last 2 months and the person in charge of sending transcripts has been out of the office even before their break started.  As slots begin to fill up down in Atlanta, Mark and I trying to remain positive and hopeful.  This program is very competitive as there are few positions available and as many men are called to the ministry later in life.  What God calls you too he will equip you too as well.  For the last several weeks I have had these verses from Jeremiah 29 stuck in my head by no coincidence I am sure, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” This promise doesn’t mean that my current definition of “hope and a future” equals God’s definition but I do know that God has a funny way of growing my definitions to match his.

My 3 prayer requests for this coming year are:

1.      That God would continue to mold us into his image and make our desires match his.

2.      That we would, without fear or anxiety, with patience and faith and hope await his timing.

3.      That now would be the time that we can finally and wholeheartedly pursue the desires and call on our hearts.

Praise be to God and let’s see what he has in store for us in 2014! Happy New Year!!!

REM

Lesson #4: Calling Does Not Equal Easy

For some reason I had the strange impression that because I felt called to be a wife that it would be a natural lifestyle to fall into.  I thought I would just naturally find joy in all of the little things that go into being a wife.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, you know that stuff.  I didn't think it would be easy having two sinners living in the same house but I thought I would at least be a natural at wifely duties.  And then reality hit. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that I was still not ready to give up my single lifestyle that I had grown accustomed too.  Cooking a meal for my husband got to be more and more of an annoyance than a joy. I longed for the days when having a sandwich for dinner was acceptable. Coming up with ideas for a well balanced delicious meal every night after getting off work soon became something I dreaded and tried to avoid.  It didn't help that I went through a spurt of really bad cooking ventures which put the kibosh on all the delusions of grandeur I had about being a great chef and that ended in frustration and eating cereal for dinner.  A mini lesson here. Always have cereal and milk on hand.  I longed for the days when I didn't have to do laundry if I didn't feel like it.  I had enough underwear to last me a month so if on a weekend I wanted to be lazy and ignore the laundry I could. No one was there to care but me.  If I wanted to skip the vacuuming one week so what!  I didn't have any pets to clean up after who was to tell. Spray some Frebreeze and it was good as new.  I didn't really think I needed to mourn it but I know now I should have savored those little bits and that stage of life.  It was easy.  It was the independence.  It was the epitome of the Frank Sinatra song "I Did It My Way!".  If I wanted to be selfish I could and no one would really be the wiser.  My sin could be secret.  And that right there is why being a wife isn't natural for me. I like being selfish.  I like doing it my way.

I think that is precisely why God called me to the life of a wife.  I thought I was called because I would be good at it.  God gives us gifts and talents and opens doors for us to use those gifts for sure to bring about His glory and our good.  But that doesn't mean we don't need Him to accomplish it.  Where do you think those gifts and talents came from in the first place?  There are definitely days where I delight in being a wife.  Please don't think I hate it!  It is challenging for sure but it is even more of a blessing than I could describe to you. He calls us because He can use us.  But He also calls us because we need it.  I need a crash course in dying to self.  I need a daily dose in humility.  I need a reality check with my sin.  I need to be reminded everyday that what little sacrifices I concede are nothing compared to the wondrous sacrifice of my Savior.  I need the picture before me of Christ's patience and selfless love for me.  I need that grace that is so natural to Him in order for my sin nature to be quieted.  I am not a natural at sacrificing my time, my energy, my resources for the good and blessing of another, which is really the life of a wife and husband for that matter. In fact, it goes against my nature as a sinful human.  But I am still called to be a wife.  My calling isn't based on my ability and my works is it?  Christ came to die for that sinful human nature of mine that I still cling to so desperately at times.  He conquered my sin when He took my place on the cross in order that I would be reconciled to God.  He paid a precious price for my messy heart and He is redeeming me daily.  Slowly but surely through marriage He is refining me into His image by not letting me do it my way.  Instead He lovingly woos me with His amazing grace, compels me with His unfailing love, commands me with His perfect holiness, empowers me with the Holy Spirit to do it His way!

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. - Philippians 2:3-4

Lesson #3 - You Are Not His Mother

Women have a natural tendency to nurture and that is all well and good. I believe 100% that is a God given gift that women can do in a way that men just really can't.  This is a fantastic thing when it comes to children. Husbands, however, tend to get lumped into the category of "things that need raising" rather easily.  We forget they have already been raised.  Sure it was different than you were raised but he obviously turned out well enough for you to marry him didn't he? Whether it is the amount of vegetables he eat, the way he does the laundry, how he does dishes, or how he completes "Honey Do" lists around the house, understand that you do things differently and that does not automatically mean that he is wrong and you are right.  Remember that first lesson?  The main theme that kept coming up over my first year of marriage was I was fussing and worrying over him like I was his mother not his wife.  I would fuss at him if he didn't eat the vegetables I made him.  I fussed at him over little things and sometimes bigger things.  I remember one instance when I fussed at him because he decided to climb a ladder when I wasn't home. My husband was in the middle of painting the outside of our house.  He was working very diligently and was a trooper about the long, arduous, and unfortunately solitary process.Our days off very rarely coincide so the idea of me being home while he was climbing on a very tall ladder to paint trim was a virtual impossibility.  I fussed though.  "If you fall off you are going to get hurt or die and I won't be here to help you. You need to just wait until I can be there to make sure you are safe." Can anyone say, "Yes, mother"?  Now, I had good motive behind my "edict".  I care very much for my husbands health and safety and we had just heard that week of a man falling off of a ladder while no one was home and being very badly injured so I was already on edge.  But my concern and love for him manifested itself all wrong. My husband patiently explained to me the impracticality of my idea and while he applauded my effort at safety it really was not going to help get the house painted in a timely fashion.  As I was driving home from work the day my husband was painting the house I called my mother.  I thought for sure being the practical woman she was she would understand where I was coming from.  After I explained the situation the first thing I heard on the other end of the phone was laughter. Naturally I was taken aback and then I heard her chuckle out these words, "Well, you aren't his mother, Rachel. You are his wife."  I said, "But Mom doesn't it worry you when Dad does stuff like that when you aren't home?" She said, "Well of course it does! But he is an grown man and his life isn't my responsibility anyway. God keeps him alive not me." I said, "Then what do you do in those situations?" She said, "I tell him I love him and I go to work and about my day, praying for him the whole time and am very thankful and relieved that he is in one piece when I return."  It finally clicked for me.  I had gotten it into my head that as his wife I was, somehow, responsible for keeping my husband alive and well.  Somehow, his life was in my hands and I had totally disregarded or forgotten the fact that he is a mature adult who had been climbing on ladders, up trees, on roofs, using power tools and doing all manner of "risky" things for the last 31 years without my guidance, advice or supervision and amazingly enough he had survived! Imagine that!  My concern and mothering was a result of a lack of faith.  I wasn't trusting my husband was smart enough to be careful but most of all I wasn't trusting God with my husband.  In that small silly little moment of clarity I realized that he is not my responsibility.  He is my friend, my husband, my brother in Christ but he is first and foremost God's child not mine and as such he is in far better hands with Him than he is in my own.  

So yes, ladies, we worry.  Sometimes we mother.  A lot of times it has good intentions like being safe and staying healthy.  But ladies remember we married grown men.  Give them the respect and honor they deserve as your husband rather than belittling them as little boys.  By all means, make suggestions and offer potential alternatives but remember that just because you do things differently doesn't make it bad and you aren't his mother.  You are his wife.  So love him, pray for him, have his back, but stop trying to do God's job.  

Lessons From The First Year...and 19 days

2. Finding the right birth control can take a few tries.

I had never actually been on birth control before we got engaged.  So I had no idea what to expect.  I was not expecting to become crazy.  The first month I was on birth control I literally thought I was going crazy.  I was paranoid and having panic attacks.  I called my doctor's office and I think I scared the poor nurse. All I remember was there was a lot of apologizing and the phone call was much shorter than I was hoping and very unsatisfying because she basically said, "Tough it out, you big baby!" Or at least that was what I heard.  For the next 3 months I was not a happy camper.  Right after we got married I was having a conversation with one of the women in my church about my frustrations and she told me something very discouraging that I had never heard before. "Well sometimes, finding the right birth control can take a few tries." If that wasn't enough she said that her daughter searched for a year to find the right one.  What?! I can't feel like this for a year! I felt out of control of everything.  My emotions where all over the place.  I was crying one moment and screaming the next.  I was depressed for a day then giddy for a few hours.  I had never felt like that in my entire life.  It was so weird.  And honestly it scared me because as a control freak not having control over my own emotional capacities was a HUGE problem! Not to mention my poor new husband was getting the brunt of whatever I happened to be feeling that hour.  I finally got my birth control changed after 5 months of being on it and I was relieved and hopeful.  This will be better.  I will be better. I will be calmer. I will feel like myself again. I will be the woman that my husband fell in love with.  Honestly, I felt like he had been duped because I felt so dramatically different from what I was before.  I just wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted to go back to being nice and liking people and things again.  The second birth control was better. For like a month and then it settled in and I still felt off.  I still couldn't believe the anger I would feel over the smallest things.  I came home from work one day and saw that my husband hadn't put the lid on a storage contain properly and I completely blew my top.  I fumed for over an hour.  I slammed the fridge door so hard I popped one of the trays out of it.  I always had a temper but was never violent and it kind of scared me honestly.  I was on that birth control for 7 long months.  At my next appointment my doctor asked me how things were going , and as I told her some of my frustrations her eyes got big and she exclaimed, "Why are you just NOW telling me this?! You should have called a long time ago and I would have changed it!"  I admitted that I kept putting it off because I was holding out hope it would get better and by the time I realized it wasn't getting better I was due for an appointment so I figured I would just wait it out till I could talk to her in person.  Needless to say, she switched me immediately.  I am very happy and relieved to say that I am MUCH better!  I am much more even tempered. I am much more normal and I think as a result my husband is much happier too.  Although he would say I was never as bad as I thought I was.  He is very sweet.

All of that to say that birth control is crazy.  It can make you do weird and illogical things.  But is can also be a scapegoat for a lot of sin too.  When you are having those crazy feelings it is very important to sit quietly alone in your room away from sharp objects or images of sad puppies and really contemplate where your heart is in all of this.  I have to admit ashamedly there were definitely times that I indulged the hormonal mad woman.  There were times when I would let hurtful words fly because I could and because I wanted to.  There were times when I stomped down the Holy Spirit because I just wanted to be mad and I wanted to punish my husband for some perceived offense. I am not proud of it but it's true.  It is very important to remain keenly aware of yourself while on birth control because although it may feel completely uncontrollable it is more controllable than your sin nature might want you to think.  God doesn't accept the classic"my hormones made me do it" excuse.  But he does forgive it.  He knows your heart better than you do and he knows when you are being just plain sinful.  God and my husband showed me so much grace and forgiveness, which is mercifully par for the course with them because I need it so often.  I am thankful for my husband's practical and tangible example of Christ to me.  God is certainly good.  Wrong birth control is bad and it should be switched. That is why it is so important to pay attention when something is not right to know if the birth control needs to be switched or your attitude needs a good swift kick in the pants and "you got some esplaining to do" and a lot of repenting.  

Mile Marker 23 and Post #100!

It has been another year.  My annual birthday post is here again.  As you know there has been a lot that God has fit into this year.  I am so blessed!  God is continuing to teach me so much about his grace and mercy and I look forward to seeing all that is ahead of us.  This hymn pretty much sums up my year.

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
 Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpRCClg8pEY

God is at work :)

REM

Waiting On God's Timing

I feel like every couple of months I am writing this blog post.  There are slight variants in the story line but the ultimate idea is still the same. God’s plans aren’t my own and a lot of times I am not ok with that. It is getting easier to let go of those plans that slip through my fingers, especially when it has to do with something that I wanted for myself.  This time it was different.  This time it wasn’t about me.  This time it was my husband’s dreams that got put on hold yet again. 

As many of you know my husband and I both have a strong desire and call to be in full time ministry.  It is where our heart lies and it has been a huge focus of our marriage.  I have been given a phenomenal opportunity to minister to some of our church’s high school girls.  It has been a wonderful experience and I love seeing what God is doing in their lives.  Working full time can make getting involved in their lives difficult but so far I have been able to make it work thanks to God’s work. Mark is another story.  Working full time until 8:00 p.m. every night and also being in school can make it very difficult for ministry.  It takes the meaning of intentionality to a whole other level.  This was a season in our life.  There were a lot of questions as to how to work out seminary and how to balance work and ministry in the meantime.  It makes it frustrating waiting but our prayers for answers were partnered with prayers for patience. 

Last month we heard of an amazing opportunity.  A church in our city was looking for a youth and family director.  It was a full time position. It included benefits. It would be getting involved with families not just being a daycare for youth on Sunday nights. It would be organizing youth trips, mission trips, family retreats. It had the potential for a seminary stipend.  Bit by bit it seemed as we found out more information that it would be perfect and it would be the answer to all of the prayers and questions we had.  So we applied. We didn’t get it.  As I was praying for this to be the job I was also praying that we would be accepting and willing to let God’s will be done and not fight against whatever the answer might be for our marriage.  It was hard to pray those prayers. It is even harder to live those prayers. While my heart is disappointed it is not broken. I am learning that God is very active in the lives of His children.  I know deep down that whatever God has in store is better than what we could imagine. But it is still hard to see the disappointment on the face of the one you love. It is hard to know that after waiting for so long to do what he has so much passion for he will have to wait longer still. 

Mark took the news better than me.  His unwavering faith in God’s sovereignty and desire for God’s will is such a ministry and example to me. It gives me comfort and strength to be reminded by my husband’s faith of God's goodness.  So while we wait God is drawing us together.  While we wait God is working in our lives. While we wait we are doing what we can to fulfill God’s call even though for now it can only be part time. While we wait we continue to pray for opportunities and for doors to open.  

God is good. He is at work.

Much love,

Rachel 

Codependency

In my book study on Tuesday nights some girlfriends and I have been going through the book "When People Are Big And God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man" by Edward Welch.  The entire book talks about the fear of man.  At first I wondered how relevant the book would be for me because I always prided myself on the fact that I never really cared what people thought of me.  I never really worried about pleasing people.  I'm pretty confident in most circumstances.  So when I read the description of the book and about how it would help me get over my fear of people I was a little confused.  But knowing how God works I knew that I would learn plenty from reading it and if not then maybe the book would be a benefit for someone else in the group.  After all it is not all about me.  As we started delving into the book I quickly realized how appropriate this book is for me.  Although the majority of my life is not spent in peer pressure or in a fear of man, although more and more I am learning that many of my thoughts and actions that get me the most frustrated and into trouble have to do with an essence of this, the real culprit is codependency.  For those of you who know me this might come as quite a surprise.  I am a very independent person by nature.  I like to do things for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I enjoy concurring tasks by myself and I don't need anyone to get the job done.  On an external level this is very true.  I am a doer.  I am a fixer.  I ask people for advice not permission.  I am woman hear me roar.  When it comes to actions I am far from codependent. Now that I have properly beat my chest and done my Rosie the Riveter pose lets get to the heart of it, literally.

When it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete contradiction.  My heart craves desperately to be loved by those that I love.  For those few people that I allow into my world, my real world, there is a tremendous burden placed on them. Unbeknownst to them ,I am constantly analyzing their love for me.  Is it real?  Do they love someone else more? Do I really matter to them?  Do they love me as much as I love them? Are they going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what they expect?  In this deep part of my heart there is a whole other me that few people ever see.  I am confident and carefree in most situations and sometimes that in genuine.  But when it comes to people that I care about it is a whole other story.  This doesn't just end with my earthly relationships either.  My relationship with God is stained with this desperate need and crippling doubt.  

So why share this? Here. In such a public forum where I know multiple people will read this?  Well, they say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one.  And this blog from the very beginning was to preach the Gospel to myself and to use my life as encouragement to others.  Because odds are there is someone else out there reading this going "Oh my gosh, me too!"  And to you, friend and my own heart I say in the words of Paul,

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." ~ Romans 5:1-11

With such rich promises from the very word of God! These are promises for His children!  And if you haven't come to Him these promises can be yours! God is where real lasting perfect love is!  God is love!  It is free!  Those fears I listed before lets look at them again in light of this Scripture.  Is it real? Yes! Does He love some else more? How could He love me more? Do I really matter to Him? How could I not matter to Him when He sent His Son to die in my place! Does He love me as much as I love Him? He loves me more than I could ever love Him because He loves me perfectly! Is He going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what He expects?  Guess what! Nothing surprises Him! He knows my inmost being and He has forgiven me and loves me in spite of it! 

So when I doubt my number one turn is to the Scripture where there are endless promises and truths about where I really stand with God and people.  Because of Christ's sacrifice I have peace with God.  Not because of who I am or what I can offer it is because of Christ's perfect life and willing death on my behalf!  If that doesn't inspire confidence and security I don't know what will!  In the end I am still dependent.  I am 100% completely dependent on Christ! And I am completely okay with that!

TTFN!

REM

EWF seeking GOD: Unexpected Challenges

Because I have always felt called to be a wife (and a mom) I somehow thought switching from singleness to dating to engagement would have been an easy transition and that I would have fallen into my roll as dutiful and attentive fiancee right away.  Well that is certainly not the case.

As I am sure a lot of you know I am a very independent person.  I am also pretty spontaneous and like to do things on the fly.  This is just fine for a single lady but for a fiancee, not so much.  Several times in the last 5 months, I have been totally caught off guard by my own thoughtlessness towards my fiance.  I forget to include him in my plans and keep him in the loop on my life at times.  This seems like a simple enough thing right? Seems like a total "duh" moment right?  Wrong, at least it wasn't obvious to me, apparently, or I would be better at remembering.  I got an invitation to a cookout one night a couple of months ago now.  I took a moment to consult my calendar and I saw that I was free so I quickly responded to the email in the affirmative.  Later that evening my fiance and I were talking about the email and he said, "So am I going to go to this cookout too?" He said it sweetly but you could tell it had hurt him a little to not be consulted or even considered in my planning.  "Oh, yeah. I mean I guess I forgot I am a "we" now."  My fiance is an infinitely patient man, which is excellent news for me.  There have been a few other times when I have forgotten to keep him in the loop or even consult him on things but he lovingly reminds me that I am not on my own anymore.

Most recently, I was having sort of a spiritual crisis, as I have mentioned in my last post.  After communion on Sunday I was talking to my fiance about it.  This was after I was feeling better and God had brought me back from my analyzing.  I told my fiance that I had been having these issues and how much better I felt and he said, "Why didn't you tell me about this before?" It caught me off guard.  "Satan wants to keep you in your head.  That is where he can do the most damage when you don't have other Christians supporting you, especially me [as your future husband]."  It really got me thinking, you know I never really thought about it but of anyone who should be hearing about my spiritual struggles it should be my future husband.  I mean he is going to be my spiritual head.  My spiritual health and well being is of utmost importance to him and it is kind of his responsibility.  I guess it never really occurred to me because in my household growing up I never really saw my mom go to my dad for spiritual advice and the like.  I know she did.  I just never really witnessed it.  So I guess it never really clicked for me as to what that looked like.  My mom was really the go to person in our family for us kids for all things spiritual and wise.  So it never really dawned on me to talk to my fiance when I started feeling spiritually defeated or when I started having doubts or started over analyzing my faith.  Honestly, I can't think of a more qualified person to help me.  He is incredibly knowledgeable.  He has been well trained in Scripture.  He is humble.  He has a hundred strengths that counter balance my weaknesses.  He is loving and patient and he has an amazing gift for calming me, drawing me back to reality, and showing me the truth of the Gospel and pointing me back to Christ.  I am more blessed than I can say with the husband that God seen fit to send me.  Further more, in coming to him, not only am I gaining strength for myself but I am also giving my husband honor and respect by showing him that I value his thoughts and his advice.  I am giving him the consideration he deserves and that he is entitled to as my spiritual head.  So really it is a win win situation when I get my head on straight.

This will definitely take some getting used to for sure.  It will take practice on my part and patience on his.  But one of the most wonderful things about being in a relationship like this is the freedom to work on these things together.  Figuring out a relationship at this level is hard work.  It can be incredibly frustrating at times and exhausting too but it is the most beautiful and most rewarding work I have ever had the pleasure of doing.  I am absolutely loving figuring out how to be the kind of fiancee my man needs and how I can be the best wife for him after November 2nd.

God is so good and I am incredibly blessed!
TTFN
Rachel

E(ngaged)WF seeking GOD: In Remembrance of Me

For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”  In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”  For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes. 

~ 1 Corinthians 11:23-26

There has been a kind of fog hanging over me spiritually though.  That has been the case for a few weeks now actually.  That is probably a lot of the reason why I have been so scant in my postings.  It seems I always have some excuse for not posting haha.  Well, this spiritual fog I have been in has been affecting really everything, from wedding planning, to Bible study, to time spent with my fiance. You name it, this cloud has been following me every where and raining on every area of my life it seems.  

Something you might not know about me is that I am a pretty heavy thinker.  I analyze everything!  I analyze people, situations, objects, conversations, specific words, facial expressions, body language, tones of voice, scenarios, etc.  For someone who seems very light hearted and carefree, I spend a lot of time in my head, to much time probably.  Well, even if you didn't know that about me Satan sure does.  He also knows that is my weakest spot.  That is a the biggest chink in my armor.  I analyze everything.  It can be good and it can also be very dangerous because with that analysis comes questions and with questions comes doubts.  I doubt everything.  I doubt people, situations, objects, people's sincerity, people's love, tones of voices, specific words.  Most frightening of all I doubt God.  I doubt His love. I doubt His provision.  I doubt His very existence!  Yeah, I know I just admitted it.  In my darkest moments, I question how could this all be real.  How could He be real?  In his book The Reason for God, Tim Keller writes, "A faith without some doubts is like a human body without antibodies in it.  People who blithely go through life to busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing of questions of a smart skeptic. A person's faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection." Being the type of person that I am I think I will always have seasons of doubt.  I will always have to revisit Scripture, godly counsel, and prayer during these seasons, just as I must do these things during seasons of strong faith and assurance.  I admit that I don't have all the answers.  There are tough questions out there and I am thankful for books like The Reason for God that can help remind me of the truths in Scripture and can speak to this analytical brain and answer a lot of those questions.  Satan has the strength to speak a lot of doubt into my head but God has more power to speak assurance to my soul.  

Today was a crazy morning.  In rushing around trying to grab everything to check out of my hotel room in St. Louis, I left my phone in my room.  I didn't remember it until about 20 minutes later.  One thing after another and the clock was ticking away and we became later and later in leaving for church. I began questioning whether there was even any point in going to church.  But through the frustration my foggy heart cried out for church. I knew I needed to go.  I needed church this morning.  A part of me ached for it.  I go to church every Sunday but this morning especially I was feeling the need for it acutely.  After house keeping tracked down my phone and after getting lost on the way to church we arrive at church, frustrated, annoyed, tired and 30 minutes late but we were there.  Today was communion.  Today the Gospel was fed to my soul.  It was beautiful.  Every time I take communion I feel refreshed, revitalized, and restored.  I needed that this morning!  Whoever says there is not power in communion is dead wrong because communion will heal your sin sick soul, believer.  I began meditating on the verses above in 1 Corinthians.  The words "in remembrance of Me" struck me.  Communion is a time to remember, to meditate, to think.  Of all the things I can over think I can never over think the Gospel.  I can never focus to much on my Lord.  I will think on Him.  He can handle my doubts.  He can handle my questions.  He can feed my soul in abundance.   

My prayer tonight is, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."

Confessions of a Chatty Girl: Things don't always go according to plan

Oh, who am I kidding things never go according plan!  For better or for the perceivable worse, God never does what you expect Him to do.  That has been made obvious in my life time and time again.

If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that my story has taken a lot of unexpected turns.  Just in the past two years of having this blog you have seen the ups and downs of my life not going according to my plans.  From getting turned down for the RUF internship to breakups to awesome jobs to now planning a wedding. 

Two weeks ago I got the awesome news that my fiance got a promotion at his job!  I am a very proud fiancee and no mistake!  The same day just two hours later my boss comes into my office and breaks the news that he has been fired from his position as in house architect for the big Texas firm we both worked for and as we were a package deal, he could no longer afford to keep me and I would be jobless by the end of the week.  I felt like I had just been sucker punched in the stomach.  This job was the craziest, best paying, most stressful, most interesting, most intense job I had ever had.  And in a matter of seconds it was gone.  I have rent to pay, I have things to do, most importantly I have a wedding to pay for! 

Enter my incredible future husband . . . I always knew that I was going to need someone who could be calm when I am freaking out, someone to remind me that God is still in control and He will take care of us.  I think that I am marrying one of the most calm men I could possibly find.  In the midst of my gasps and tears he soothed me and reminded me that for starters God knows everything that happened and He is not going to dessert me in this and secondly that I was not alone having to figure this all out.  "Between God and me, we will take care of you."  

I am so blessed.  Even though life doesn't go according to my plan, even though what seems perfect doesn't work out in the end, even though I get blind sided by new developments that God brings into my life.  God knows what is going on.  God isn't going to drop me off in the middle of no where with no direction.  He has gotten me this far.  All I have to do is go back and reread the post from the past 2 years to see that!  So while I have moments of freaking out and questioning what He was thinking I know from experience that He is using this.  No matter what it is He is using it.  

Please be praying for me though these ups and downs.  As I job hunt; as I plan this wedding; as I learn to adapt to God's plans and as I learn to let go of my own will.  I don't know what is in store for me in the future and if I am being honest that scares the living daylights out of me some days.  So be praying for me that I will trust in Him and not be anxious for anything and that I would cast my cares on the Father.  

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil. 4:4-7

SWF seeking GOD: Evening Encouragement

So Saturday night I was reading my Morning & Evening before bed.  I found this beautiful encouragement within its pages that really spoke to my heart in light of the Stuck Outside the Garden post.  It was a good reminder that God sent me here (Click here).  He would not have done so had He not had a reason and a purpose behind it.  He is not going to leave me here without guidance or aid.  Praise the Lord! 

May 12                                                                                                                                         Evening

"Fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation: I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again." Genesis 46:3,4

Jacob must have shuddered at the thought of leaving the land of his father's sojourning, and dwelling among heathen strangers.  It was a new scene, and likely to be a trying one: who shall venture among courtiers of a foreign monarch without anxiety?  Yet the way was evidently appointed for him, and therefore he resolved to go.  This is frequently the position of believers now - they are called to perils and temptations altogether untried; at such seasons let them imitate Jacob's example by offering sacrifices of prayer unto God, and seeking His direction; let them not take a step until they have waited upon the Lord for His blessing: then they will have Jacob's companion to be their friend and helper.  How blessed to feel assured that the Lord is with us all our ways, and condescends to go down into our humiliations and banishments with us!  Even beyond the ocean our Father's love beams like the sun in its strength. We cannot hesitate to go where Jehovah promises His presence; even the valley of deathshade grows bright with the radiance of this assurance.  Marching onwards with faith in their God, believers shall have Jacob's promise.  They shall be brought up again, whether it be from the troubles of life or the chambers of death.  Jacob's seed cam out of Egypt in due time, and so shall all the faithful pass unscathed through the tribulations of life, and terror of death.  Let us exercise Jacob's confidence. 'Fear not', is the Lord's command and His divine encouragement to those who at His bidding are launching upon new seas; the divine presence and preservation forbid so much as one unbelieving fear.  Without our God we should fear to move; but when He bids us go, it would be dangerous to tarry.  Reader, go forward, and fear not.

God is at work!  

TTFN~

REE

Confessions Of A Chatty Girl: Stuck Outside The Garden

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to write a new blog post.  I get about a paragraph in and lose it.  There are a lot of reasons why it has been a while since I have posted but in the last week and a half or so I have just been feeling a little lost when it comes to posting.  There are several things I could write about but right now I feel like I just need to be really honest and share with you guys some struggles I am having.

Mary Lennox - "The Secret Garden"

So as I have mentioned before I recently became a member of Covenant PCA here in Chattanooga.  As I have also mentioned I have been asked to be on the leadership team for CYAM (College and Young Adult Ministry).  I am very thankful for these opportunities and for God's provision in these things but I have to be honest with you guys, I really feel...well...lost.  I have no idea if it is me or if it is the people here or what but ministry looks very different here than what it looked like back in Lynchburg.  Maybe I am romanticizing the memories I have of my time in RUF but when I think about how vastly different the community was and just how different the caliber of relationships were it honestly makes me want to cry out of home sickness.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love most of the things about Chattanooga and I have found a couple of incredible people (yes, one particularly incredible person, which you will be hearing more about later) but overall I am really finding community and relationships very hard with many of the people here.  I remember being in Summer RUF sitting around the table on the deck at Marc and Amy's house and hearing Amy say that she had a hard time fitting in with a lot of people because very few are as open and real about life.  I remember being confused by that statement at the time but now I totally understand.  I feel like if I try to open up and be that real and honest person that I am, I get looks like I have three heads or I get a fake nod of support and a few cliche words of Christian-ese and then awkwardness ensues.  I can feel the walls coming up around my heart again and I feel myself hiding away from the fear of rejection and disapproval.  I left Virginia excited about the new life awaiting me and excited about what God has in store for me and he has brought along more blessings than I can count but I feel completely lost right now.  I have a gift and passion for ministry and I have a passion to be in relationship with people and to serve them and be there for them.  But right now I feel like Mary Lennox, hunting for the door to the secret garden.  I know there is a garden on the other side of the wall.  I have been inside it before.  I have tasted its fruit and I have smelled the sweet aroma of its flora.  But I am still outside digging through the vines that cling to the wall searching for that little door that will at least admit me entrance.  I know this is what I am supposed to be doing and what my life is supposed to be focused on because the longer I go without it and the longer I spend in vain searching for that door the less whole I feel and the more disconnected I feel I become.  Last week my associate pastor was talking about the disconnect between "real life" and eternity.  He was saying how sometimes eternity breaks into real life and brings with it the magic of the gospel and the beauty of the cross. I know this is a season of life.  I just finished ready Ecclesiastes.  I know nothing is new under the sun but it still doesn't keep my heart from aching for that eternity, for that magic.  Within that garden are beautiful flowers, within that garden are painful thorns.  Within that garden there is work to be done.  Within that garden is joy. 

Basically what I am saying is I am really hurting, frustrated, disconnected and lost right now and I need your prayers.  I need God to remind me of His plan and to trust in it.  I need to remember to be thankful for all that He has given me and be patient as I wait and watch for His guidance.  Christ is the key to the door I seek but without God's direction I will be digging through the vines forever.  So please be praying with and for me.  Be praying for opportunities to show themselves and that God would use me to further His kingdom here.  

God is at work.

TTFN~

Rachel

SWF seeking GOD: The Redeemer

So it is really late right now…2:31am to be exact and I find myself wide awake.  I figure what better thing to do with this time than to meditate on my Redeemer.  It took me a few tries to decide on which of His names I wanted to go with.  There are hundreds to choose from.  But in light of the passage I just read Redeemer won out.  I just read Hosea 7:11-16

“Ephraim is like a dove, easily deceived and senseless – now calling to Egypt, now turning to Assyria.  When they go, I will throw my net over them; I will pull them down like the birds in the sky.  When I hear them flocking together, I will catch them.  Woe to them, because they have strayed from me!  Destruction to them, because they have rebelled against me!  I long to redeem them but they speak about me falsely.  They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail on their beds.  They slash themselves, appealing to their gods for grain and new wine, but they turn away from me.  I trained them and strengthened their arms but they plot evil against me.  They do not turn to the Most High; they are like a faulty bow.  Their leaders will fall by the sword because of their insolent words.  For this day will be ridiculed in the land of Egypt.”

I have been reading through Hosea in order to prepare for the upcoming Bible study I will be leading for the young women of my church.  When I got to this passage tonight I felt it resonate with me in a very palpable way.  I have found that being a theatrical and dramatic person is a wonderful gift, especially when it comes to reading scripture.  Being able to take words and inject emotions and life into them really can change your entire perspective on a passage.  Try imagining the wonder and awe of Creation as you read Genesis 1 and 2 out loud and see if you don’t look at grass and trees and the moon and sun just a little bit differently.  As I read these 6 verses I really began to taste the anguish woven into the words.  Allow me to paint a picture for you. 

The light from the crackling fire gave off an eerie glow to what should have been a warm and inviting scene.  He sat in the chair next to me gazing into the flames burning in front of us.  He hadn’t spoken in what seemed like an eternity, the crackle the only thing breaking the night’s silence.  I studied His face in the wavering glow.  The lines in His face were deep and professed the lack of sleep and pain.  The look in His eye was distant, the flame’s dance completely lost on the beholder.  I turned my attention back to the hearth as the silence reigned.  “She is like a dove, easily deceived and senseless.”  His hoarse voice cut the air, startling me.  “She turns this way for comfort.  She turns that way for love.  When she runs again I’m not letting her get away.  I will hold her here with all the strength I have in My body.” His voice faltered but His eyes glowed with a strength far surpassing their reflected embers.  “How dare she run from me?  There are consequences for the damage she causes.  She must be held accountable for her actions against me!” His gravel voice seemed to fill the room.  He clenched His fist several times then in a whisper that betrayed the tears just below the surface, “I want so desperately to take her in my arms and hold her and not let go, but she fights me at every turn, and spreads lies about me.” The passion and pain in His voice had me frozen in awe.  He loved her.  After all that she had done, He loved her still.  “I hear her at night sobbing into her pillow when she thinks I am not listening.  I am right there ready to embrace and to comfort her but she pushes me away every chance.” He looked down mournfully at His now open hands.  “What’s worse, she accepts comfort from others.  She runs to everyone but Me for her solace.”  He swallowed back a sob.  “I have given her everything!  All that I have is hers and she still tries to ruin me.  Everyone and everything she runs to will fail her.  They have failed her and still she hunts after them.”  He shook His head, not in disgust or mockery, but in pity.  How could such love exist?  This one who has refused Him at every turn, who has cheated on Him, who had greedily taken everything He has ever given with little to no appreciation or acknowledgement whatsoever, this one who did not even know the meaning of the word love, how could it be that He loved and pursued this creature so passionately?  The logs in the hearth had been reduced to mere embers, His words having seemingly stolen the fire from them.  He still loves her.

When I have read passages in the past where God is speaking as He does in Hosea of the consequences of sin I always read it as angry.  And I do believe that there is anger and pain when we sin against God.  The Bible makes it very clear that God does not turn a blind eye or shrug His shoulders when His children sin.  But the anger that is displayed time and time again is that of a parent or a jealous husband.  Let’s be honest here, people.  Most of us if not all of us don’t want to be held responsible for our actions and don’t want to think of God has having any right to be angry with us because hey we only are human.  When a wife cheats on her husband does the husband have any right to be angry?  Of course he does!  This woman who has vowed to love and honor him, who has pledged her faithfulness and support to him, who has made a covenant before God and man to forsake all others save him has destroyed every promise made.  When a child deliberately disobeys their parent and runs away, does the parent have a right to be upset? Absolutely!  This child who has been loved and cared for, who has been fed and clothed, who has been delighted in and shepherded has tossed aside all that as though it were worthless and gone out on his own because he can do it so much better.  Y’all, this is me!  This is you!  I am the wayward wife and the disobedient child!  Everything we have comes from the very hand of God and we throw it back in His face because we know better.  Or we snatch it from His hand greedily without as much as a “thank you”.  Why?  Because we don’t want Him cramping out style.  We don’t want to be told “no”.  Everything has to be our way!  Tonight as I read this passage my heart broke over my sin.  I am constantly trying to get everything I can from God without having to give anything in return.  I am always on the lookout for escapes so I can go back to doing my own thing without being tied down.  I push Him away because I don’t trust that He truly cares about me.  I throw tantrums when He tells me no.  I find my solace and my support and my drive in idols.  I worship the god of comfort and safety and happiness.  I fear the unknown.  Left to myself I am a wreck and a half.  But the glorious news is that He won’t leave me to myself.  He tells me no when I want Him to get away.  He pursues me with a passion that is incomprehensible.  He pulls me back every time I try to wrestle away from Him.  He listens to me when I think I am all alone.  He welcomes me back with open arms and redeems my broken heart and filthy hands.  He wipes my tears and He rejoices when I return to Him.  Why does He do all of these things?  Because He loves me!  Because He desires me!  Because I am His and He is mine!  Because He is merciful and gracious!  It has nothing to do with me.  It has nothing to do with what I can offer Him.  It has everything to do with who He is.  The Redeemer!

Hallelujah! God is at work!

TTFN~

REE