*Trigger Warning*

Why can't we rejoice or weep with each other anymore? Why do we feel entitled to people tip-toeing around our triggers? We have managed to make everything about ourselves. A friend shares an exciting thing with us and it triggers our lack or loss of said thing. A friend shares a sorrow and it triggers how our sorrow is deeper. Friends can't share in joy anymore. Friends can't hurt with each other. This is so isolating! We have come to see our own interests as more important than others. Your struggle is not as real as mine. Your joy rips the bandage off my raw pain. We are so preoccupied with our own lives and situations that we allow our triggers to supersede our love.

We constantly have to label our lives with trigger warnings because somewhere someone will be triggered into something painful. There is pain everywhere. This sin sick and fallen world is teaming with surprising and unspeakable ways of hurting us and leaving deep throbbing wounds in us that never quite heal right. We cry out to God for healing and sometimes we don’t get the answer we want. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like we get an answer at all. This thorn in our flesh, the one that digs and tears at us, the one that even the slightest touch triggers lightning bolts of pain through every nerve is real. This world is not as it should be and as a result we hurt.  The remedy to that hurt is not isolation though. That is what happens when we avoid people for fear of them triggering our hurt. We isolate and remove ourselves from the very thing that could be the vessel God uses for our solace. Isolation is the Devil’s playground. He wants you to be alone. If you are alone he can be uninterrupted in whispering his lies to you.

We spend our energy shielding our triggers and hiding from the pain but as we live life we find that more and more triggers manifest themselves. These losses, those unmet expectations, this betrayal, and that tragedy begin to add up faster than we thought possible. If we spend our lives trying to shield our triggers, pretty soon we will just remove ourselves from all of those things that God brings into our lives to enact healing and redemption. Christ was well acquainted with loss, betrayal, and tragedy. Isaiah prophesied that Christ would be “despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering and familiar with pain” (Isa. 53:3a) and the writer of Hebrews declares that “we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but one who was tempted in every way just as we are, yet without sin.” Jesus knew all about triggers. Hebrews’ author doesn’t stop there but continues on with hope, “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:15-16) You will notice that it doesn’t say “Therefore let us draw away from people and things that will trigger us so that we can avoid pricking those raw nerves.” No! It says draw near to the THRONE with CONFIDENCE! Hallelujah! Our High Priest who is our Intercessor takes those triggers and he redeems them. He might not heal them in the way that we expect or hope for but he redeems them for a purpose. 

Paul proclaims, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:12). This verse gets a bum rap but in the face of these wounds it is our hope and our life line! God is at work in ALL things!  And he has a purpose for it! Our wounds are not arbitrary just as Jesus’ wounds weren’t.  The greatest evil that ever happened, the death of the Son of God was not without purpose! His death was to redeem a wounded and wounding people.  We too are called to die. We are called to die to ourselves, to our sinful nature and its passions and desires (Gal. 5:24). “Greater love has no man then this that he should lay down his life for a friend” (John 15:13). That might mean literally laying down our physical lives for our friends but that is not going to be everyone’s specific calling. So what does that mean for everyone else? That means that we lay down our lives by setting aside our triggers, by running to the throne confidently and laying those triggers and that pain at the pierced feet of Jesus. That means allowing God to take those wounds and use them as He used His Son’s, for redemption.

To redeem means to buy at a cost. Our redemption cost God is Son. God is in the redeeming business and therefore, by association so are we. In order to be used in the incredible and holy act of redemption it is going to cost us something. It is going to be painful. It is not going to be easy. But it should be viewed for the privilege that it is. To be used for the glory of God and the redemption of others is a sacred privilege that is only ours through Christ.  That means that when we leave our pain and triggers at the throne, we are freed to love one another, to rejoice with one another, to grieve with one another, to minister to one another! We have been bought into the freedom of God’s servitude. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matt. 11:30) Jesus said we will fine rest in humility. It takes powerful humility to view others interests as more important than our own. In order to do this is not going to be easy and it probably won’t be simple.  Pain is not simple, so moving on from it isn’t either. If it was, we would all have done it already, right? Sometimes, that means some good long prayer time and delving into the Word. Sometimes it is that and talking to a close trusted friend. Sometimes it means to also seek professional counseling. There is no shame is reaching out for help when the pain from those triggers tries to drown you. Like I have said earlier, isolation is the Devil’s playground.

Now you say, what about not causing a brother to stumble and to be sensitive to others in their struggles, yes! Do that! To those of you, reading this who are not on the painful side of this spectrum right now, yes! Remember us! Remember our hurts. Be sensitive to our pain. We are all called to consider others interests as more important than our own. That exhortation applies to not only those who are in pain but those in happiness as well. So to you, dear brothers and sisters, please be kind and examine your heart’s motivation before you share so that you can love us as you ought. But you don’t need to try to examine ours. We must examine our own hearts and must work by the grace of God to leave our triggers behind so that we may be free to love you as we ought. The freedom that we find in letting go of our triggers allows for God’s beautiful design of community to minister to our hearts. Have you ever entertained the idea that perhaps the avenue for our healing could be Christ bringing another's rejoicing into our lives? Is it so impossible to believe that we can be helped by someone else’s joy? Have we truly lost the art of rejoicing with each other that much?  How often did Paul write of rejoicing in his letters to the early churches?  In Philippians, in Colossians, in Ephesians, Paul’s letters drip with thankfulness and rejoicing with these churches.  It would have been so easy for Paul to write “You know it really sucks being in this prison while all I hear is about how you get to be in community and fellowshipping with one another.” But he didn’t. He found joy in hearing of God’s church growing and their faith deepening and broadening. Oh, the beauty of that kind of joy and love! If the prisons that Paul found himself in weren’t enough to ruin his joy and love for people, then the prisons of our pain shouldn’t be either! I don’t know about you, but I want that kind of love and joy! That is not going to come natural or easy but just like any love it comes with a choice.

So today, I am choosing to die to myself and rejoice with others, to grieve with others, to see others interests as more important than my own and to see the merciful hand of God in people and things outside of myself. I won’t do it perfectly but as the Holy Spirit reminds me and makes me aware “I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). The Christian life is not meant to be lived on an island but in a Garden. Lord, let my life and my love be a glimpse back to that Garden, the way it was meant to be.

Daily Bread

I don't know if you know this about me but I go through seasons of anxiety.  The majority of the time I am ok.  But about once or twice a year I will go through a several weeks of frequent moderate anxiety attacks. I have been doing this cycle pretty much my whole life.  I used to be afraid of meteors coming and crushing my house, I was afraid of the house catching on fire, the goat man, Big Foot, and spiders in my bed.  Over the years I have grown up and matured. I thought that meant I would grow out of being afraid of things but not so much. I am still afraid of spiders but I have pretty much out grown monsters and meteors. Now, I find that I focus mostly on physical discomfort. Sickness and persecution or the two biggies now. During one of these anxious seasons my book study group decided to start reading the book Running Scared by Ed Welch.  If that name sounds familiar that is because this is the second book I have read this year that he authored.  The first one being When People Are Big And God Is Small. Both of these books are excellent and I highly recommend them.  Running Scared is incredibly candid discussion about the spiritual side of fear.  The author is very open about his own struggles with fear, which was the first realization I had. Other people had fears. I always kind of felt alone in my fear, which I think is a pretty common side effect of fear.  Partially because fear is an embarrassing confession. Fear equals weakness. As I turned page after page I felt like I was reading directly from my own heart. Although there was a mature understanding of fear that I knew I was deeply lacking. He kept referring to the account in Exodus 16 where God provides manna and quail for Israel in the wilderness. As he continued to reiterate God's provision in the wilderness it began to click.

Fear is directly related to a lack of knowledge. Fear of the unknown is people's number one fear. We are afraid because we don't know what is ahead of us. We don't know what the future holds. Then came the sucker punch to the gut. We are afraid because we don't know God. The story of Israel and manna is about God's provision of daily bread, which pointed directly to His unfailing provision of grace. God gives us "daily bread" or daily grace. Think about Israel. God gave them very clear instructions. They were to go out in the morning, every morning, 6 days out of the week and gather mysterious and miraculous bread that appeared like dew. They were to gather only what they and all those in their household needed for that day. Gathering more than needed did no good because it rotted by the next day. In this way God kept Israel from hedging their bets. This way they couldn't say, "We got enough for the next day so in case God forgets or miscalculates how much we really need, we are ok." It also kept them from saying, "Well, we gathered enough for the next week so we can relax and sleep in the next couple of days." The Sabbath was the only day they didn't go out and gather because the day before God provided enough manna for 2 days so that His people could rest. You might ask what all of this has to do with fear. Let me tell you. I fear the future and discomfort because I think that my God has underestimated how much manna I need. I think He will forget a day and I will be on my own. I go about my day never realizing that His grace is sufficient. I feel like I have to add something to the equation in order for it to meet my needs. Or I think I have to do it all by myself. I have means of grace right there in front of me that I use throughout the day without even realizing it. Either I attribute it to myself or I don't even think about it because I take it for granted. I have His Word. I have a direct line of communication to Him through prayer. I have wonderful and godly people God has blessed me with to minister to my soul. I have access to this same God that provided manna and quail to a messy, grumbling, fearful, insignificant little nation. My messy, grumbling, fearful, insignificant little soul matters to Him. And therefore He has promised and provides my daily portion of grace.  My soul is cherished by Him. Because of His Son everything that is Christ's is now mine. That is my daily bread! He gives that to me for today. He has not given it to me for tomorrow, or in 2 weeks, or in 2 years. I have it today. I know that I will have it tomorrow but I do not have it yet. God takes one day at a time with us because He knows that is all we can handle. It also is to remind us that He is the giver and sustainer of grace. I have never gone a day when I can remember laying my head on the pillow and going "God it wasn't enough. I ran out mid day and had to fend for myself." I know it will be enough because it always has been enough. I don't know how but it has. For whatever lies ahead I know that my daily bread will be enough to sustain me though my worst fears befall me. I don't know what that could even begin to look like. I don't know how it could even be possible that I would have grace to withstand the unknown. But then again I guess I do. Christ. Christ plus nothing equals everything. I have enough for today. I will have it for tomorrow.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Cor. 12:9. 

"If God is for me, who can be against me?" - Romans 8:31. 

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid." - Psalm 27:1

"I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13

 

I don't need to fear because my God knows, has written my future and He already knows my prescribed dose of grace needed for each day ahead. So I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I can't stock pile grace and I don't need to hedge my bets. God says, "Tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own." I will not meet tomorrow with a grace shortage which gives me the beautiful freedom to love and serve today.

 

Now here's praying that I remember that :)

REM

 

Disclaimer: There is a medical side to fear and anxiety that I did not talk about because I know nothing about it. This is meant solely for the discussion of fear's spiritual side and implications.



The New Adventure for 2014

The very catalyst for this blog’s existence is rooted deeply in a love and desire for ministry.  Throughout the years that I have been writing this blog you have gone along with me on the ups and downs and the doors opening and closing.  It has been a road that at times has been bright and exciting and time when the road has been so flooded with tears that I couldn’t even see the road anymore.  Ministry is not an easy thing to be called too.  It calls you to make a vocation of being others-focused, which for any human heart, particularly mine, is no small request.  It commands you to step out of your comfort zone and talk to people who might reject you, mock you, or even harm you.  So far it has demanded more faith from me than anything ever has and it is not even my literal job yet.  There are times when fear sets in.  There are times when doubts arise.  There are times when I am discouraged or tired or just want to be selfish for a while.  There are times when I think, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just not go there? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just keep to myself and let the world just pass me by in peace?”  There are times when I think, “What if I got this wrong? What if I totally misinterpreted God’s leading? What if I completely missed the boat?”  There are even more times when my brain screams, “Lord, you picked the wrong girl! I can’t do this! I am too messy!  I am too broken! I am too afraid! I am too self-concerned! I am not cut out for this. How could I possibly be any use to you in this? You have clearly made a mistake.” Strangely enough though in spite of all of that, most times I am so on fire about doing full time ministry that my skin tingles with excitement.  Either I will be talking to a coworker or I will be teaching my high school discipleship group or having coffee with a friend or I will just be sitting in a sermon and I will be flooded with a renewed sense of purpose.  In those little flashes God refutes my doubts and my objections.  He speaks truth back into me and says, “Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, and I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).” 

It is with all of that I invite you deeper into my world of ministry.  I welcome you to come along with Mark and me as we set out on an adventure.  I beg you to pray with and for us as we step out on faith to pursue what we believe whole-heartedly God has called of us for our marriage.  Last fall Mark applied to the Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) in Atlanta, GA.  It is our hope and prayer that in the fall of 2014 he will begin online and commuter classes in their Diploma program with the end goal of becoming an ordained pastor in the Presbyterian Church in America.  RTS accepts a small percentage of non-degreed applicants every semester.  Mark has his Associates degree but not Bachelors at this time although he has completed a number of accredited hours through correspondence courses at The Bible Institute in South Africa (BISA).  We have had almost all of our paperwork submitted to RTS since October.  We have just one last document to get to them and that is Marks transcripts from BISA.  Unfortunately, BISA has been on their summer break for the last 2 months and the person in charge of sending transcripts has been out of the office even before their break started.  As slots begin to fill up down in Atlanta, Mark and I trying to remain positive and hopeful.  This program is very competitive as there are few positions available and as many men are called to the ministry later in life.  What God calls you too he will equip you too as well.  For the last several weeks I have had these verses from Jeremiah 29 stuck in my head by no coincidence I am sure, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” This promise doesn’t mean that my current definition of “hope and a future” equals God’s definition but I do know that God has a funny way of growing my definitions to match his.

My 3 prayer requests for this coming year are:

1.      That God would continue to mold us into his image and make our desires match his.

2.      That we would, without fear or anxiety, with patience and faith and hope await his timing.

3.      That now would be the time that we can finally and wholeheartedly pursue the desires and call on our hearts.

Praise be to God and let’s see what he has in store for us in 2014! Happy New Year!!!

REM

Lesson #4: Calling Does Not Equal Easy

For some reason I had the strange impression that because I felt called to be a wife that it would be a natural lifestyle to fall into.  I thought I would just naturally find joy in all of the little things that go into being a wife.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, you know that stuff.  I didn't think it would be easy having two sinners living in the same house but I thought I would at least be a natural at wifely duties.  And then reality hit. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that I was still not ready to give up my single lifestyle that I had grown accustomed too.  Cooking a meal for my husband got to be more and more of an annoyance than a joy. I longed for the days when having a sandwich for dinner was acceptable. Coming up with ideas for a well balanced delicious meal every night after getting off work soon became something I dreaded and tried to avoid.  It didn't help that I went through a spurt of really bad cooking ventures which put the kibosh on all the delusions of grandeur I had about being a great chef and that ended in frustration and eating cereal for dinner.  A mini lesson here. Always have cereal and milk on hand.  I longed for the days when I didn't have to do laundry if I didn't feel like it.  I had enough underwear to last me a month so if on a weekend I wanted to be lazy and ignore the laundry I could. No one was there to care but me.  If I wanted to skip the vacuuming one week so what!  I didn't have any pets to clean up after who was to tell. Spray some Frebreeze and it was good as new.  I didn't really think I needed to mourn it but I know now I should have savored those little bits and that stage of life.  It was easy.  It was the independence.  It was the epitome of the Frank Sinatra song "I Did It My Way!".  If I wanted to be selfish I could and no one would really be the wiser.  My sin could be secret.  And that right there is why being a wife isn't natural for me. I like being selfish.  I like doing it my way.

I think that is precisely why God called me to the life of a wife.  I thought I was called because I would be good at it.  God gives us gifts and talents and opens doors for us to use those gifts for sure to bring about His glory and our good.  But that doesn't mean we don't need Him to accomplish it.  Where do you think those gifts and talents came from in the first place?  There are definitely days where I delight in being a wife.  Please don't think I hate it!  It is challenging for sure but it is even more of a blessing than I could describe to you. He calls us because He can use us.  But He also calls us because we need it.  I need a crash course in dying to self.  I need a daily dose in humility.  I need a reality check with my sin.  I need to be reminded everyday that what little sacrifices I concede are nothing compared to the wondrous sacrifice of my Savior.  I need the picture before me of Christ's patience and selfless love for me.  I need that grace that is so natural to Him in order for my sin nature to be quieted.  I am not a natural at sacrificing my time, my energy, my resources for the good and blessing of another, which is really the life of a wife and husband for that matter. In fact, it goes against my nature as a sinful human.  But I am still called to be a wife.  My calling isn't based on my ability and my works is it?  Christ came to die for that sinful human nature of mine that I still cling to so desperately at times.  He conquered my sin when He took my place on the cross in order that I would be reconciled to God.  He paid a precious price for my messy heart and He is redeeming me daily.  Slowly but surely through marriage He is refining me into His image by not letting me do it my way.  Instead He lovingly woos me with His amazing grace, compels me with His unfailing love, commands me with His perfect holiness, empowers me with the Holy Spirit to do it His way!

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. - Philippians 2:3-4

Lessons From The First Year...and 17 days...

Everyone says that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Part of me wonders if tales of the first year of marriage are much like a good fishing story. Every time you tell the story the fish gains another foot.   Having no other years of marriage to compare it to I guess I would have to agree.  There hasn't been any breaking things.  There haven't been a bunch of slamming doors.  We haven't had to many screaming matches.  We haven't contemplated divorce or murder either.  There has been fighting. There have been tears.  There has been long moments of tense silence. There have been raised voices and huffing and puffing.  Mostly from me. I can only compare my last year of marriage to my many years of singleness.  My single years were much much easier. I could be selfish and totally independent and marriage kind of takes a bulldozer to that lifestyle.  I am not my own person.  I belong to someone.  I am do not have my own schedule.  I have someone to share my time with.  I can't just go off on adventures by myself. I have company for all of my adventures. At times that can be annoying but it is nice having a buddy system most of the time.  The last year has been a concentrated study in what it means to die to self that I never really understood when I was single. It has been realizing that when we fight and have tense moments it is because we are trying to build our own kingdoms.  We are not working together to build God's kingdom. So over this year I have learned more than a few lessons.  I am sure I will continue to relearn them and learn new ones with every year. Here is the first of several lessons I am learning the hard way.

1. It is not a sin to do things differently. 

Whether it is the dishes, the cooking, the sleeping, the toothpaste squeezing, the breathing, etc. You are and your spouse will do things differently.  Think about it. If siblings who grow up under the same parenting and lifestyle can come out polar opposites so can two people who's paths most likely didn't cross until a few years ago.  It is important to remember this is not a sin that must be apologized for.  Your spouse can squeeze the toothpaste from the middle if he wants.  He can choose to soak dishes for 3 days before washing them. Actually that's just gross. Never ever let your spouse do that.  Disgusting! But it's ok that he folds towels differently.  It's ok that when he drives he brakes a little later than you would like.  And no matter how hard you stomp that break peddle will never be on the passenger side.  It's ok that his dirty socks never quite make it to the hamper the first time.  It's ok that he isn't very good at putting left overs into proper food saving containers.  He got them in the fridge at least didn't he? You don't have to nag him or berate him for all these little imperfections that seem on some days to be a very purposeful affront to your idea of bliss because really all they are is how he does things differently.  He is not trying to annoy you. He is just doing things the best way he thinks they should be done and really that is exactly what you are doing too.  It is not something to apologize for.  You were raised different.  You have different personalities and strengths.  It is something to love in your spouse because it is a joy and gift to see how God created two people so very different yet decided that He wanted them together because it would bring about His will and serve His purpose for His glory.  So don't worry about the towels, or the toothpaste, or whatever that thing is that he does that makes you want to pull out your hair sometimes.  He is not sinning.  He is being himself, the himself that you fell in love with, remember?

Mile Marker 23 and Post #100!

It has been another year.  My annual birthday post is here again.  As you know there has been a lot that God has fit into this year.  I am so blessed!  God is continuing to teach me so much about his grace and mercy and I look forward to seeing all that is ahead of us.  This hymn pretty much sums up my year.

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
 Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpRCClg8pEY

God is at work :)

REM

Waiting On God's Timing

I feel like every couple of months I am writing this blog post.  There are slight variants in the story line but the ultimate idea is still the same. God’s plans aren’t my own and a lot of times I am not ok with that. It is getting easier to let go of those plans that slip through my fingers, especially when it has to do with something that I wanted for myself.  This time it was different.  This time it wasn’t about me.  This time it was my husband’s dreams that got put on hold yet again. 

As many of you know my husband and I both have a strong desire and call to be in full time ministry.  It is where our heart lies and it has been a huge focus of our marriage.  I have been given a phenomenal opportunity to minister to some of our church’s high school girls.  It has been a wonderful experience and I love seeing what God is doing in their lives.  Working full time can make getting involved in their lives difficult but so far I have been able to make it work thanks to God’s work. Mark is another story.  Working full time until 8:00 p.m. every night and also being in school can make it very difficult for ministry.  It takes the meaning of intentionality to a whole other level.  This was a season in our life.  There were a lot of questions as to how to work out seminary and how to balance work and ministry in the meantime.  It makes it frustrating waiting but our prayers for answers were partnered with prayers for patience. 

Last month we heard of an amazing opportunity.  A church in our city was looking for a youth and family director.  It was a full time position. It included benefits. It would be getting involved with families not just being a daycare for youth on Sunday nights. It would be organizing youth trips, mission trips, family retreats. It had the potential for a seminary stipend.  Bit by bit it seemed as we found out more information that it would be perfect and it would be the answer to all of the prayers and questions we had.  So we applied. We didn’t get it.  As I was praying for this to be the job I was also praying that we would be accepting and willing to let God’s will be done and not fight against whatever the answer might be for our marriage.  It was hard to pray those prayers. It is even harder to live those prayers. While my heart is disappointed it is not broken. I am learning that God is very active in the lives of His children.  I know deep down that whatever God has in store is better than what we could imagine. But it is still hard to see the disappointment on the face of the one you love. It is hard to know that after waiting for so long to do what he has so much passion for he will have to wait longer still. 

Mark took the news better than me.  His unwavering faith in God’s sovereignty and desire for God’s will is such a ministry and example to me. It gives me comfort and strength to be reminded by my husband’s faith of God's goodness.  So while we wait God is drawing us together.  While we wait God is working in our lives. While we wait we are doing what we can to fulfill God’s call even though for now it can only be part time. While we wait we continue to pray for opportunities and for doors to open.  

God is good. He is at work.

Much love,

Rachel 

Codependency

In my book study on Tuesday nights some girlfriends and I have been going through the book "When People Are Big And God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man" by Edward Welch.  The entire book talks about the fear of man.  At first I wondered how relevant the book would be for me because I always prided myself on the fact that I never really cared what people thought of me.  I never really worried about pleasing people.  I'm pretty confident in most circumstances.  So when I read the description of the book and about how it would help me get over my fear of people I was a little confused.  But knowing how God works I knew that I would learn plenty from reading it and if not then maybe the book would be a benefit for someone else in the group.  After all it is not all about me.  As we started delving into the book I quickly realized how appropriate this book is for me.  Although the majority of my life is not spent in peer pressure or in a fear of man, although more and more I am learning that many of my thoughts and actions that get me the most frustrated and into trouble have to do with an essence of this, the real culprit is codependency.  For those of you who know me this might come as quite a surprise.  I am a very independent person by nature.  I like to do things for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I enjoy concurring tasks by myself and I don't need anyone to get the job done.  On an external level this is very true.  I am a doer.  I am a fixer.  I ask people for advice not permission.  I am woman hear me roar.  When it comes to actions I am far from codependent. Now that I have properly beat my chest and done my Rosie the Riveter pose lets get to the heart of it, literally.

When it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete contradiction.  My heart craves desperately to be loved by those that I love.  For those few people that I allow into my world, my real world, there is a tremendous burden placed on them. Unbeknownst to them ,I am constantly analyzing their love for me.  Is it real?  Do they love someone else more? Do I really matter to them?  Do they love me as much as I love them? Are they going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what they expect?  In this deep part of my heart there is a whole other me that few people ever see.  I am confident and carefree in most situations and sometimes that in genuine.  But when it comes to people that I care about it is a whole other story.  This doesn't just end with my earthly relationships either.  My relationship with God is stained with this desperate need and crippling doubt.  

So why share this? Here. In such a public forum where I know multiple people will read this?  Well, they say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one.  And this blog from the very beginning was to preach the Gospel to myself and to use my life as encouragement to others.  Because odds are there is someone else out there reading this going "Oh my gosh, me too!"  And to you, friend and my own heart I say in the words of Paul,

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." ~ Romans 5:1-11

With such rich promises from the very word of God! These are promises for His children!  And if you haven't come to Him these promises can be yours! God is where real lasting perfect love is!  God is love!  It is free!  Those fears I listed before lets look at them again in light of this Scripture.  Is it real? Yes! Does He love some else more? How could He love me more? Do I really matter to Him? How could I not matter to Him when He sent His Son to die in my place! Does He love me as much as I love Him? He loves me more than I could ever love Him because He loves me perfectly! Is He going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what He expects?  Guess what! Nothing surprises Him! He knows my inmost being and He has forgiven me and loves me in spite of it! 

So when I doubt my number one turn is to the Scripture where there are endless promises and truths about where I really stand with God and people.  Because of Christ's sacrifice I have peace with God.  Not because of who I am or what I can offer it is because of Christ's perfect life and willing death on my behalf!  If that doesn't inspire confidence and security I don't know what will!  In the end I am still dependent.  I am 100% completely dependent on Christ! And I am completely okay with that!

TTFN!

REM

Confessions of a Grumbler

It is hard to believe that I am writing this blog from my the couch in the home that my husband and I own.  I mean seriously? Who saw that coming?!  I have lived in Chattanooga for year and a half and this is my life?! It feels like I have been here way longer thinking about everything that has been fit into my life in the last 18 months.

In the months since I last posted...yes months! I feel terrible about that by the way! We have been doing a lot.  First off we had to move.  Packing and packing and more packing.  My husband was a great help and encouragement throughout the process. Especially when I would be the most frustrated with moving.  Because let's be honest moving 8 times in 4 years can get a little old.  So while I should have been thankful for God's faithful provision I have to admit I was considerably less thankful and great bit more grumbly.  It wasn't in my plans.  It wasn't on my agenda.  My husband and I had it settled.  We had our idea of what the next year or so would look like.  We had worked together on and it made sense. It seemed wise.  I feel like a broken record, always having my apple cart upset and not being able to handle it.  I get so attached to my  own plan.  Even when God shows me time and time again that his plan is better.  His plan is simpler.  He is trustworthy.  My old heart still fights.  Thankfully I am the daughter of a patient and pursuing God who doesn't throw up his hands when I grumble.  He doesn't lash out when I whine one to many times. He loves. He teaches. He pursues.  This is the God that deserves my trust.  He proves himself time and time again and the extent of his faithfulness is not dependent on mine.  When people ask me why my faith matters, that is why.  How can I do any else.  And when I come to something that seems to big or to much.  My faithful God will show me just how much strength he has to get me through and bring me to the other side where I can praise him for what he continues to give me.  For the big things like moving to a completely different state or the small frustrations like being woken from a deep sleep by a puppy who just wants to make sure I am still there.  My life is so blessed I have nothing to complain about.  Pray that I remember that in the midst of my minor inconveniences.

More will be coming.  Lord willing I won't take this much time off again. I have a lot of things I want to write about so get ready y'all.  The Chatty Wife is back to her chatty self :)

TTFN

R

My Designing Dreams :)

It is hard to believe that a year ago I had a crush on this cute deacon in my church.  Now we are husband and wife and buying a house!  God is so incredibly good!  I didn't not see this coming and I am so glad he kept it a surprise because it makes it that much sweeter having His grace blind side you like that :)  As you know my life has been full of surprises this year and God has been behind and providing for all of the things that throw off my groove is it were.  

So we are under contract on a house here in Chattanooga.  Incredible!  I never thought I would be a homeowner before the year was out.  The process has been smooth.  The inspection was passed with flying colors and now we get to dream of what sort of stuff we want to do with this house to make it ours.  I am an architect/design nerd so I love dreaming and scheming of home improvement projects and figuring out how to make something pretty and functional.  So you can imagine my joy when we finally walked into a house that I felt inspired in!  My wheels began turning almost immediately and almost as soon as we got home I pulled up my Google SketchUp(C) program and went to town!  If you go to Zillow you can check out what the house currently looks like.  And if you scroll down you can see some of the ideas we have for our own renovations and updates.  I have to say that one of the best marriages is that of an interior designer and carpenter!  Sure makes for some enjoyable trips to the home improvement store!  :)  Enjoy!

Exterior

Overall floor plan

Living Room Detail 1

Living Room Detail 2

Dining/Kitchen Detail 1

Kitchen/Dining Detail 2

Laundry Room

Garage

Sewing Room/Office & Study

Hall Bath

Master Suite

Guest Room

Master Bath

We have to do what?...

Sometimes out of nowhere something happens and you just have to sit back and go, "Where in the world did that come from?" Well, I know that God is sovereign, so ultimately I know the answer is it did not come from this world but from God.  But there are just times when I just look up and go, "Really?"  Now, I cannot pretend to understand God's timing, plan, or wisdom.  I have no idea what he is doing and the longer I live the more I realize that. 

Wednesday was one of those days.We found out that out of nowhere and without any warning our landlord needs us to vacate our home because his son is in need of it to use as a refuge and recovery from financial troubles.  I get that it is family first.  I understand that it was a blessing and a curse not having an official lease.  I understand that this house prayerfully will be a blessing to this family with all of the repairs and updates that Mark and I have done to it.  And I pray that this home will be a place of healing and rest for this young family who needs it.  But this is the home that my husband has been working on and keeping up for 6+ years free of charge.  The home that we have been painting for months.  The home that we have been posting pictures of and excitedly talking about for months.  The home that we had our first Thanksgiving in.  The home that we already have so many memories together in.  The home that we just moved all of my stuff into a month ago.  The home that I just changed my mailing address to on Monday!  Yeah, that home. Not exactly what we were expecting when we were unpacking all of my personal belongings.

In one year we have managed to cram moving states, changing jobs, getting married, and now apparently we have to start house hunting.  Before we got married Mark and I had discussed the possibility of moving by way of either renting some place new or even buying.  We came to the conclusion that we would stay in this home and save money for seminary and the future and revisit that prospect in a couple of years.  It is interesting when you think you are doing the wise thing and you find out that God wants you to do a different wise thing.  So, we are now trying to answer all those questions we had before we were married only now we have a deadline to make them all and complete that process whatever it may be.  Questions like, do we rent or buy?  If we buy do we get a 2 bedroom or 3 bedroom?  If we buy how long term are we wanting/needing to think?  Do we try to stay in St. Elmo?  Do we try to find a halfway point between church and work?  If we buy what does that mean for seminary in the future?  Do we buy a foreclosure or do we buy a regular sale?  If we rent do we find a house that will let us keep our pit bull?  Do we send her to Indiana to stay with Mark's parents until we can take her back and get an apartment?  There are so many questions.  These are the joys of growing up I suppose. 

God has been so faithful to us even in the time of complete uncertainty.  Because through this he is causing us to lean on him and to grow in our faith.  He is causing us to learn how to be adults doing adult things that neither of us have ever done before (it helps being married to a 30 year old because you are already ahead of the game some. Just FYI, ladies).  It is causing me to seek my husband's guidance and headship over others, even my own.  And I believe it is generally bonding us closer going through this.  Honestly, there is no one I would rather go through this with than Mark Miller.  

So the moral of this story so far is yes, we have done a lot of work on this house.  Mark, far more than I.  Yes, Mark was very attached to this house and I was becoming very attached.  Yes, this is the house that we have already started creating memories in.  Yes, this is the house that we had our first Thanksgiving in and will have our first Christmas in.  Yes, we were excited about painting.  Yes, we were looking forward to several years in this house enjoying the fruits of our labors.  But God just keeps reminding me that the while the work Mark and I have done won't be benefiting us after March, it is not going to be wasted.  It is just not for who we had planned it to be.  But you know what?  It is for who God planned it to be.  And I should consider it an honor to be able to be apart of someone else's answered prayer.

TTFN

Rachel Miller

  

Confessions of A Chatty Wife!

Gosh, I love typing that word.  Wife.  It holds so much meaning, so many responsibilities, so much joy, a few frustrations, and countless blessings!  As my husband said last night, "It's not always easy but it's always good." It has been a very natural transition.  One of our friends asked us at the wedding if we felt any different.  Mark and I just looked at each other and said "No, it feels like things are finally how they should be."  Living on separate ends of town, in separate homes, living partially separate lives felt more unnatural than marriage.

Behind the Scenes on the Big Day!

So I should start off with telling you that my wedding present from my husband was to get a hotel room for my mother and I to spend the last night of my singleness bonding and catching up since planning the wedding been so all consuming for me the last few months.  I know, AWWWWW, right?  It was really a fun and special time with my mom that I will always remember and I am so thankful to my husband for making that happen.  So the night before the wedding mom and I stayed up late talking and laughing.  

And then...

My day started off VERY early thanks to my very...proactive mother.  You should know, Mama, that I can laugh about it now. At 4:00am, the morning of my wedding, my phone battery began to die and beeped to alert me.  I woke up and turned my phone off so it wouldn't wake Mom.  She was already awake, however, and no sooner had I turned my phone off than I heard her say. "Are you ready to get up?"  At FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?! Haha. See I am laughing. Haha. She graciously allowed me to sleep 3 more hours and then it was over. "We have stuff we have to do.  We have to go fill up the cars and run over to the cabin and pick stuff up and then we have to get to your hair appointment." Keep in mind my hair appointment was at 10, which was on purpose so that I could sleep in a little before...but that was not meant to be, sigh.  We filled up the cars and got over to the cabin a little before 8.  So we waited around for an hour and a half.  9:30 finally rolled around so we left, stopping at Dunkin Donuts to grab some much needed coffee, on the way. 

And so it begins!

Making progress

End product!

The morning ended up being really fun.  We all sat and talked while my AMAZING hair stylist worked.  After my hair was done we all headed to the venue.  

When we arrived people were already there hard at work!  I was completely blown away by all of my family and friends that came out to help set up!  Everywhere I looked people were busy setting up tables and chairs putting together center pieces, unloading decorations, setting up sound equipment.  It was incredibly humbling and I could never thank all those people who helped enough!  It would not have happened without you!  I am so thankful for God's provision through you.  I have never felt so loved!  After answering a few questions and delegating to my amazingly talented and capable family and friends, I was off to get ready. 

It was really crazy just how incredibly relaxed and chill I was.  I have seen and hear of those brides who are completely crazy on the day of their wedding but not me.  Literally NOTHING could wrile me.  While getting ready I get a text. My photographer is stuck in traffic and will be late.  Not a big deal.  I had already weathered my fiance's car breaking down on the way to work (which has a not so small bill attached to it) and 3 out of my 4 bridesmaids getting stuck in an elevator for 16 whole minutes earlier in the week.  

The infamous elevator...but we are smiling!

I could handle traffic.  A few minutes later I get a phone call.  My fiance and 3 of his groomsmen just got a flat tire on the way to the venue and were stranded on the side of the road.  

Thankfully, Drew was wearing his life preserver.

Calling for back up...

Last minute touchs on the guest book that turned out awesome!

And they all made it safely and Stephen didn't get his shirt diry.

So glad my brother-in-law got pictures of this!  No big deal.  Off my uncle's went to fetch them.  Miraculously, through the whole process of the tire we found some decorations that had been MIA.  See, God provided!  

My amazing and wonderful photographer arrived! Pictures will be coming.  She was snapping pictures left and right.  Then she asked if she could borrow the dress to get some pictures of it outside.  "Sure go ahead!"  We are all still getting all dolled up.  When she returns with the dress I hear my Matron of Honor gasp! "Oh no! Look at the front of the dress!!!" I turn around and burst out laughing.  The entire bust of the dress is COVERED in black dirt!  My photographer has this look of sheer horror on her face and looks like she is about to throw up.  No big deal.  "It is totally fine!  It is just a dress!  I'm sure it will come out!" With a wet rag and a little elbow grease my photographer cleaned it right up.  You would never have known!  See, God provided!

I will stop there for now because I want to make sure that you have pictures to go along with the rest of my day you will have to wait for that.  I also need to go back to doing laundry, go grocery shopping, tidying up, grabbing a few things still left over at my apartment, etc.  

TTFN!

Rachel Miller