Waiting On God's Timing

I feel like every couple of months I am writing this blog post.  There are slight variants in the story line but the ultimate idea is still the same. God’s plans aren’t my own and a lot of times I am not ok with that. It is getting easier to let go of those plans that slip through my fingers, especially when it has to do with something that I wanted for myself.  This time it was different.  This time it wasn’t about me.  This time it was my husband’s dreams that got put on hold yet again. 

As many of you know my husband and I both have a strong desire and call to be in full time ministry.  It is where our heart lies and it has been a huge focus of our marriage.  I have been given a phenomenal opportunity to minister to some of our church’s high school girls.  It has been a wonderful experience and I love seeing what God is doing in their lives.  Working full time can make getting involved in their lives difficult but so far I have been able to make it work thanks to God’s work. Mark is another story.  Working full time until 8:00 p.m. every night and also being in school can make it very difficult for ministry.  It takes the meaning of intentionality to a whole other level.  This was a season in our life.  There were a lot of questions as to how to work out seminary and how to balance work and ministry in the meantime.  It makes it frustrating waiting but our prayers for answers were partnered with prayers for patience. 

Last month we heard of an amazing opportunity.  A church in our city was looking for a youth and family director.  It was a full time position. It included benefits. It would be getting involved with families not just being a daycare for youth on Sunday nights. It would be organizing youth trips, mission trips, family retreats. It had the potential for a seminary stipend.  Bit by bit it seemed as we found out more information that it would be perfect and it would be the answer to all of the prayers and questions we had.  So we applied. We didn’t get it.  As I was praying for this to be the job I was also praying that we would be accepting and willing to let God’s will be done and not fight against whatever the answer might be for our marriage.  It was hard to pray those prayers. It is even harder to live those prayers. While my heart is disappointed it is not broken. I am learning that God is very active in the lives of His children.  I know deep down that whatever God has in store is better than what we could imagine. But it is still hard to see the disappointment on the face of the one you love. It is hard to know that after waiting for so long to do what he has so much passion for he will have to wait longer still. 

Mark took the news better than me.  His unwavering faith in God’s sovereignty and desire for God’s will is such a ministry and example to me. It gives me comfort and strength to be reminded by my husband’s faith of God's goodness.  So while we wait God is drawing us together.  While we wait God is working in our lives. While we wait we are doing what we can to fulfill God’s call even though for now it can only be part time. While we wait we continue to pray for opportunities and for doors to open.  

God is good. He is at work.

Much love,

Rachel 

Codependency

In my book study on Tuesday nights some girlfriends and I have been going through the book "When People Are Big And God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man" by Edward Welch.  The entire book talks about the fear of man.  At first I wondered how relevant the book would be for me because I always prided myself on the fact that I never really cared what people thought of me.  I never really worried about pleasing people.  I'm pretty confident in most circumstances.  So when I read the description of the book and about how it would help me get over my fear of people I was a little confused.  But knowing how God works I knew that I would learn plenty from reading it and if not then maybe the book would be a benefit for someone else in the group.  After all it is not all about me.  As we started delving into the book I quickly realized how appropriate this book is for me.  Although the majority of my life is not spent in peer pressure or in a fear of man, although more and more I am learning that many of my thoughts and actions that get me the most frustrated and into trouble have to do with an essence of this, the real culprit is codependency.  For those of you who know me this might come as quite a surprise.  I am a very independent person by nature.  I like to do things for myself. I don't like to ask for help. I enjoy concurring tasks by myself and I don't need anyone to get the job done.  On an external level this is very true.  I am a doer.  I am a fixer.  I ask people for advice not permission.  I am woman hear me roar.  When it comes to actions I am far from codependent. Now that I have properly beat my chest and done my Rosie the Riveter pose lets get to the heart of it, literally.

When it comes to matters of the heart I am a complete contradiction.  My heart craves desperately to be loved by those that I love.  For those few people that I allow into my world, my real world, there is a tremendous burden placed on them. Unbeknownst to them ,I am constantly analyzing their love for me.  Is it real?  Do they love someone else more? Do I really matter to them?  Do they love me as much as I love them? Are they going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what they expect?  In this deep part of my heart there is a whole other me that few people ever see.  I am confident and carefree in most situations and sometimes that in genuine.  But when it comes to people that I care about it is a whole other story.  This doesn't just end with my earthly relationships either.  My relationship with God is stained with this desperate need and crippling doubt.  

So why share this? Here. In such a public forum where I know multiple people will read this?  Well, they say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one.  And this blog from the very beginning was to preach the Gospel to myself and to use my life as encouragement to others.  Because odds are there is someone else out there reading this going "Oh my gosh, me too!"  And to you, friend and my own heart I say in the words of Paul,

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." ~ Romans 5:1-11

With such rich promises from the very word of God! These are promises for His children!  And if you haven't come to Him these promises can be yours! God is where real lasting perfect love is!  God is love!  It is free!  Those fears I listed before lets look at them again in light of this Scripture.  Is it real? Yes! Does He love some else more? How could He love me more? Do I really matter to Him? How could I not matter to Him when He sent His Son to die in my place! Does He love me as much as I love Him? He loves me more than I could ever love Him because He loves me perfectly! Is He going to desert me when I make a mistake or am not what He expects?  Guess what! Nothing surprises Him! He knows my inmost being and He has forgiven me and loves me in spite of it! 

So when I doubt my number one turn is to the Scripture where there are endless promises and truths about where I really stand with God and people.  Because of Christ's sacrifice I have peace with God.  Not because of who I am or what I can offer it is because of Christ's perfect life and willing death on my behalf!  If that doesn't inspire confidence and security I don't know what will!  In the end I am still dependent.  I am 100% completely dependent on Christ! And I am completely okay with that!

TTFN!

REM

God's Grace Abounds

I can't believe I have been so lax in writing.  Life is very busy so maybe I don't have that hard of a time believing it but still I keep thinking I need to post and then just never getting inspired to actually write anything down.  So what has been happening in the Miller household these days? Well let's see here.  The renovation side of life has slowed down as we had to buy a new washer and dryer, fix a car, and spay a puppy.  But honestly that is one of the most wonderful things about owning your own home.  You can go at your own pace and as you can afford it.  Mark and I both have absolutely loved being able to get projects done as we get inspired.  There is no permission to ask. There is no landlord to warn.  There is no parent to ask!  We find ourselves spending most of our down time researching home improvement projects and watching HGTV and DIY network.  Thankfully we both love these channels! 

I have loved getting my sewing machine out and getting it broken in.  I have made curtains for our dining room so far.  I have plans for curtains in the guest rooms and our bedroom, the kitchen and laundry room as well.  But as I said as I find fabric that inspires I can make those.  It is slowly coming together and I really love how it is turning out.  It is great working on this project together.  

I am watching tomatoes come in.  We have about 20 actual tomatoes currently with about 12 more blooms waiting.  It is so exciting see actual fruit!  I can't wait to make fresh salsa and marinara this summer.  I can't wait to share them with anyone who wants them and I am so happy that I literally will have more tomatoes that I will ever know what to do with in order to do just that.

Work has been crazy as we let two employees in my department go.  It has been a relief having them gone as it made for a frustrating and uncomfortable work environment for everyone but with that comes many stresses and many challenges to keep up with the work load.  It has been exciting to see that I am a much harder worker than I ever thought I was.  And it is still a lot of fun and it is interesting learning about the business side of playgrounds.  I enjoy being challenged and I have great supervisors who are very encouraging and patient to answer my endless questions.  It is an enjoyable work environment and once we fill those open positions it will get a lot better.

I am so very thankful for awesome girlfriends that get together on Tuesday nights to have a book study.  It has been so wonderful, edifying, encouraging, and fun to get together with these dear women to learn more about God how to serve him better!  They challenge me and pray with and for me and they really are such a blessing and such a wonderful gift from God of deep community.

My Wednesday nights have freed up for the summer.  I have to say I miss my high school girls.  I still keep in touch with them and see them at church but its not quite the same as getting to pour into them weekly.  They taught me so much over the last school year and challenged me in many ways.  It was wonderful hearing their perspectives and it was so encouraging to hear such precious hearts explore God some in a deeper sense and some for the first time.  It was amazing seeing God at work in their lives.  

Mark is doing well.  We actually have some exciting ministry opportunities ahead of us.  Details will be coming as the processes continues. But I would ask you to be praying for patience and wisdom.  Also pray that we would be open to God's leading.  That we would be willing to be his vessels of service whether his plan leads us down expected paths or down completely unexpected paths.  We are very excited for the opportunities God brings to us.  And I wouldn't rather go through these adventure with anyone else! 

Betty Lou, the newest member of our family, is doing well.  She has settled in very well and is thankfully growing out of her "puppy-ness".  Meaning she doesn't destroy everything and 95% of the time she goes outside when she has to use the bathroom. She had her procedure done yesterday and she is healing well. She has been warned though that if she doesn't stop licking her sutures she will get the cone of shame. A part of me is hoping she doesn't stop because of the vast photo opportunities that would be afforded me.  

Well I think that is everything for right now. I want to get back to more spiritually minded posts again. Soon that will happen I am sure.  So hang in there! 

TTFN

Rachel