God is Sovereign

So it has been far to long since I have updated this. So many distractions have happened between the last post and now. Some were good; some were painful; a lot were both. There are two final chapters in the Gospel in Life that I would like to talk about in a different post. For now I feel like I should really address something that has been on my mind and heart for weeks now.

God is sovereign. Now when looking at that simple sentence that doesn't seem very controversial but it takes on a whole new meaning when you really begin to unpack that. The hallmark answer is God is in control of everything and has a plan for everything. He works in mysterious ways and His timing is not our own. Well that's safe enough. I'm ok with that. But when I am faced with it head on God's sovereignty takes a turn from the sunshine and rainbows to the nitty gritty and I am not as ok. I don't understand why He does things the way He does. I don't know why things that in theory seem to be something amazing and God honoring end up not working out. It doesn't make sense and I honestly don't like it. I want all the puzzle pieces to fit! I want everything to make sense and be tied up in a neat little package with nice wrapping paper and a big bow. I want everyone to be on the same page. I want to have the perfect explanation that can't be argued or disagreed with (and not just for my sake). I don't want to be tormented by a decision that I feel the Lord is leading me to make. I don't want to lose sleep over my choices. I don't want to hurt others with decision they can't understand. In those times and during those moments some how "God is sovereign" just doesn't seem to cut it. Why? Because I have a distorted view of who God is and what His sovereignty means. I have a distorted idea of the Gospel. If I understood correctly what it means for God to be sovereign, beyond the hallmark answer, I wouldn't be mad that things aren't going my way and that God continues to throw a wrench into my perfect plans. I wouldn't be trying to tell Him how to do His job. His sovereignty means that all the puzzle pieces don't have to fit and my life can be wrapped in a slopping plastic bag tied in a knot because in all of this, there HAS to be faith. In all of that messiness is a desperate need for faith and trust just in order to get through. If God made all of our wildest dreams come true we would never NEED Him. We would never call on Him. He would be just a big Santa Claus in the sky. Now please don't think that I am saying it is wrong to not understand. Please don't come away from this post thinking that you have to slap a pretty smile on your face and keep saying "God is at work" like a mantra. Did Jesus do that in the garden of Gethsemane? Obviously not.

God takes us through these times so we know Who to run to. He drags us, often times, kicking and screaming because He sees the big picture. God gives us the reigns for a few moments so we can see just how badly we screw it up without Him. All of this is to show our need of Him. Our lives are constant reminders of the Gospel and how much more we have to learn of it.

God I still don't understand. I still wish that I could learn my lessons the easy way. I still wish that I could make sense of all of this and that people didn't get hurt from my learning process. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." Lord make that my prayer as I figure life out and seek to follow Your will in all things. I need You.

"I know the Lord is nigh,
And would but cannot pray,
For Satan meets me when I try,
And frights my soul away,
And frights my soul away.

I would but can't repent,
Though I endeavor oft,
This stoney heart can ne'er relent,
Till Jesus makes it soft,
Till Jesus makes it soft.

Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
My help must come from Thee.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have power to move,
A soul as base as mine,
A soul so base as mine.

I would but cannot rest,
In God's most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best,
And murmur at it still,
I murmur at is still.

Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
My help must come from Thee."

I Asked The Lord

We sing this song in RUF and the words are so humbling. They really got a hold of my heart and showed me just how clueless I am to the ways of God. It also showed me how I need to welcome trials because it is through these that God seeks to answer my prayers. I have to stop praying for God to make things easy for me. I am never going to learn that way! But by the His grace and His Son's blood I have hope that I will get better! Lord have Your way with me, Hallelujah!

(c)2004 double v music (ASCAP). Words: John Newton (alt. Laura Taylor). Music: Laura Taylor

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

7. “These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go - George Mattheson

George Mattheson wrote this on the eve of his sister's wedding. A few years previously George had been engaged to be married himself, however, when he began going blind his bride-to-be decided that she could not handle the responsibility of taking care of a blind husband and left him. His sister decided to take him in and take care of him. But now on that night his sister was going to start a new life with her new husband. Mattheson did not let the sadness distract him from his Savior's love. He sat down and in that one sitting he penned this beautiful hymn of ever lasting love. God has used this hymn in my own life many times bringing to it mind when I am at my lowest. I thought there might be some out there that would benefit from reading these encouraging words.

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Work and Evangelism

So again I kind of let my posting slip a little bit so in order to keep y'all in the loop I again will cover two weeks worth of RUF in one post. As it turns out the two weeks flow quite smoothly in and through each other so that makes my job an easy one.

"You know what work reminds me of? ... The Gospel!" -

So there is a quote from our late chancellor and founder that floats around my schools campus. "If it's Christian it should be better." Now for the past 3 years I have to admit that I had let cynicism dominate and disregard that statement much to my detriment. This was because I was looking at the visible church not the invisible. After reading the chapter on work my perspective took a drastic shift. If we are Christians we are commanded to be better! It's not just a nice thought or inspirational anecdote. As a lazy person I like to think that work was part of the fall. If Adam and Eve hadn't screwed up I could sleep all day and get up when i feel like it. I could sit around reading or watching TV and just reveling in idleness. False. In Genesis 1:26 God says "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." I don't know about you but to me that sure sounds like a job. There was nothing in there about sitting around and reveling in idleness. And to be honest my sinful lazy heart is not really happy about that. But I can't deny it. Work was part of God's plan from the very beginning.

So that being said what does that mean Godly work should look like? What does that mean the 7:00am-3:30pm Monday through Friday should look like for me? Well there has to be a switch of motivations. I should be motivated to get out of my nice warm bed at the crack of dawn by the Gospel. I should be motivated to have the Gospel so desperately infused in my life that there is a difference in the way I get to a meeting on time, the way I act in said meeting, the way I respond to my employer when he wants a project done by yesterday, the way I answer my phone. Now of course I am not saying just slap a happy and I might add creepy fake smile. But if the Gospel truly engulfs our lives isn't there an under lying joy that should emanate from us even through the stress and difficult times? (I can feel the temptation for a rabbit trail but I will save that for another post.) Should I not be seeking to carry myself in such a way that coworkers and clients see and wonder at the joy that is within me? Shouldn't my work be a form of evangelism? That being said...

Evangelism -

So I recently went on a mission trip to Chicago back in January. But while there my entire view of evangelism was turned upside down and inside out. Until Chicago the word evangelism evoked mental images of Robert Tilton and Billy Graham. It made me think of soap boxes and street corners, tracks and bible thumping. Well that is the romantic and TV worthy evangelism and yes it brings many people to Christ but there is another form that is in my estimation the best kept secret of the church. Relationship. I have already touched on this in previous posts but evangelism is a commitment. Tim Keller spoke of "Oikos" or Household Evangelism. That is to say that evangelism is investing in someones life and getting to know them on a level that most others don't care to know; to know them and their family. It's showing your love for them through Christ. It's showing them that maybe, just maybe their preconceived notions of Christ and His followers are wrong. It's as my dear intern says "stacking up the chips to cash them in later."

Now something you should know about me is that I am very much a "fix-it" type of person. I like to come in give a quick fix response, have people "oh" and "ah" over my amazing wisdom and then have people follow my advice and be done with it. Well surprise surprise that's sin. Its not about me. Its not a get in and get out situation. You can't just slap a band aid on someones heart and expect it to stick. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes follow through. It takes dedication. And in the air of honesty I am sorely lacking in all of those. But I know what I am commanded and I know what I need to do. And I know that I have the Holy Spirit on my side and He will fill in where I lack. (Side thought/rabbit trail: the more the Holy Spirit fills in where I am lacking the less of me is left. I look forward to being completely filled with the Holy Spirit so that I can stop sabotaging my life and others).

God grant me the patience and grace to evangelize as I am commanded and humble me to let it be your words that flow from me and not my own sinful ones.

Latest Outing for the RUFians

In other news...my RUF family and I went hiking up on Sharp Top mountain which is a gorgeous hiking spot up in the Blue Ridge Mountains about 30 minutes from school.

Pictures courtesy of Mary Engel

Yeah VA is gorgeous!

A Little Behind

So I know I said I would keep you updated on Summer RUF study but I have let a few weeks slip by. Sorry about that. Chapter 3 which is on Idolatry really threw me for a loop spiritually and it has taken this long to process and get comfortable with honesty on the subject in my own life. I'm going to try and kill two birds with one stone if I can and cover the last 2 chapters that we have done since my last post. So here it goes...

Idolatry -

So what can I say other then wow am I a sinner. You know a lot of times I get into a personal high where I feel like I am doing pretty good with this whole Christian thing. And then there are sermons or passages in scripture or RUF lessons that show me just how horribly clueless I am about the sins that are clutching so tightly to my heart. Idolatry is just one of many I can assure you but for the sake of time and to avoid rabbit trails we will stick with this one.

Tim Keller brought up an interesting point. When you are alone in your room or car or anywhere and you have no other real distractions what is it that your mind automatically goes too? What is your favorite subject to dwell on, talk about, and worry over? He said that the way to find out what is taking the place of God is to picture your worst nightmare. Is your worst nightmare being rejected by people? Is it having your life not go as planned? For me it's being alone. I know sounds depressing huh? Well its true. When I am by myself and thinking my mind automatically runs to my favorite subject who, when, and will i marry? What I want more then anything in the world is to be a wife and mother like that of Proverbs 31. I want to be a good helper to my husband and I want my children to have the best God honoring mother they can have. And those are NOT bad things to want! This is where it gets dicey. It is good to want those things. We are created to want to be with someone. God said it is not good for man to be alone so he made a helper suitable for him. The problem comes in when you are more focused on that then God's provision, mercy, love, righteousness, and holiness. Even though these are good things to want they cannot take the place of God. God is a jealous God. You shall have no other gods before Him.

Community -

Last year Summer RUF did an entire study just on this one subject. It was a very eye opening and humbling study and last Thursday was no different. It was wonderful having a refresher on the subject. For the most part I believe that community, especially after the study last summer and the many talks from Marc and Amy, is something that we are actually starting to get the hang of in RUF and I feel like a little bit of that is spilling over into other areas of life. One thing though that God is working very directly with me on is learning how to get over myself and my preferences to be welcoming and loving towards people who are outside of my comfort zone for whatever reason. As a future intern I can see why God is working on my heart so feverishly now. I have such a long way to go still, but God is moving and I pray with the help of the Holy Spirit that I can get this down.

Something that He reminded me of during RUF was that if God listens to our complaints and our skewed views of the way we think things should go, if He draws us to Himself despite our personalities, despite our annoyances, despite His comfort zone, how much more should we welcome others into our lives and hearts? God not only deals with us but He calls to us and WANTS us to come to Him and rely on Him no matter how ridiculous or annoying we get. God doesn't get annoyed at us, He doesn't roll His eyes when we come to Him for the millionth time asking forgiveness for the same sin or just down right complaining that life isn't fair. Wow! If the Creator of the universe desires me in spite of myself that much then I should be more then willing to do the same for people who are no worse then me. It shouldn't be hard for me to listen, encourage, forgive, love, and pray with and for someone when the Triune God does all those things for me perfectly in a way that can never be measured or duplicated.

As I have gone through the last several days God has gradually been showing me areas in which idolatry and lack of a desire for community has crept into my life. I am so thankful that God does not leave me to myself. He does not leave me to wallow in my sin. He does not listen to me when I cry out against Him. He draws me in and shows me my great need for Him. I am His daughter and nothing will change that. No one will pluck me from His hand not even me. Thank you God!

3 Ways to Live

So last night at RUF we continued in Tim Keller's book Gospel in Life and the second chapter is entitled "Heart: 3 Ways to Live." It was all about our motivations for living the way that we do. These three ways are A) religious: doing good works to receive personal praise or recognition to prove our worth to God, out of fear of what God will do to us if we don't do good things or because we feel like God will owe us something if we do good things. B) Irreligious: either not doing good things at all or simply out of common courtesy, to make ourselves look good in man's eyes. C) the Gospel: doing good things because of a desire to serve God out of gratitude to a loving Father and Savior.

We had two different examples from the Bible. One was the Pharisee and the tax collector who were praying in the synagogue. We looked at it and kind of dissected the passage in Luke 18:9-14. There is so much beauty in the details of this passage that is so easy to skim over. As I began reading that passage I couldn't help but think, well is it wrong to be thankful that God's grace saved me from being cruel, judgmental, unforgiving, unloving, and countless other adjectives that I would for the sake of time prefer not to list? I read the Pharisee's prayer and after much discussion with the group I realized there was a huge piece missing. In verses 11 and 12 he says "God I thank you that I am not like other men." He goes on and lists his qualities but never once does he acknowledge that he has any sin within him or anything to repent of. He has got it all together. He tithes and he fasts and that is what makes him good. He makes it as if God made a him a perfect creature not as a broken sinner in need of grace.

Then there is the stark contrast of the tax collector. For some reason I had this miss conception growing up that the tax collector must have just become a Christian and we are privy to his conversion that is why his prayer is "Have mercy on me the sinner." But now I realize that's not the case. The tax collector simply has a true understanding of what he is and what he needs most. You notice that he is not praying "Dear Lord, my wife has been driving me nuts, so give me patience. Oh and Johnny has been having trouble at school with bullies so please be with him. And my boss has really been riding me this week so just help with the stress." No his first and only priority is "God have mercy on me the sinner." He knows who he is talking too. He is not talking to some powerfully genie in the sky or Santa Claus. No he is talking to the supreme and ultimate Being. The Judge of the world. The One who has the right to turn away from him in disgust. "God have mercy on me the sinner." God shows us mercy by just hearing us. Let alone forgiving us through his Son. Whoa!

The second Biblical example was that of the Prodigal Son. This held a lot of new concepts that I never thought of before. Luke 15:11-32. The story is a beautiful one of redemption and love. I can many times relate to the younger brother. The younger brother who has the loving Father who comes out to meet me while I am still a long way off. The younger brother who has the perfect Older Brother who willingly gives up his rewards that he rightfully deserves so that I can be welcomed back to the family. But I also find that the older brother has some pretty compelling arguments for my sinful heart.

I often see other's getting things that I want. People who in my mind don't deserve it. People who waste everything my Father gives them yet in the end they get the fatted calf and the robes and ring. They get what I want! They get what I cry and plead for. They get what I deserve. They get MY reward for what? For doing such a good job? No for just showing up! Those people who have never done a thing for our Father get MY stuff. But stop right there. You can't do anything for your Father either, Rachel. You are just as much at your Father's mercy as your siblings. You might think you have done wonderful things for God. But your motives...What are your motives? The Gospel? Religion or Irreligion? 99.9% of the time it sure ain't the Gospel.

I need to be hooked up to the Gospel IV. I need to be infused with the Gospel so much that I cannot separate it from my core. I need it to be so intricately woven in to my DNA that I can't tell were the Gospel begins and I end. I need to be the Gospel. God take my heart and purge me of all vain works and selfish deeds. Rid me of the filth that is within me. And in its place put the Gospel. Have mercy on me the sinner.