God is Sovereign

So it has been far to long since I have updated this. So many distractions have happened between the last post and now. Some were good; some were painful; a lot were both. There are two final chapters in the Gospel in Life that I would like to talk about in a different post. For now I feel like I should really address something that has been on my mind and heart for weeks now.

God is sovereign. Now when looking at that simple sentence that doesn't seem very controversial but it takes on a whole new meaning when you really begin to unpack that. The hallmark answer is God is in control of everything and has a plan for everything. He works in mysterious ways and His timing is not our own. Well that's safe enough. I'm ok with that. But when I am faced with it head on God's sovereignty takes a turn from the sunshine and rainbows to the nitty gritty and I am not as ok. I don't understand why He does things the way He does. I don't know why things that in theory seem to be something amazing and God honoring end up not working out. It doesn't make sense and I honestly don't like it. I want all the puzzle pieces to fit! I want everything to make sense and be tied up in a neat little package with nice wrapping paper and a big bow. I want everyone to be on the same page. I want to have the perfect explanation that can't be argued or disagreed with (and not just for my sake). I don't want to be tormented by a decision that I feel the Lord is leading me to make. I don't want to lose sleep over my choices. I don't want to hurt others with decision they can't understand. In those times and during those moments some how "God is sovereign" just doesn't seem to cut it. Why? Because I have a distorted view of who God is and what His sovereignty means. I have a distorted idea of the Gospel. If I understood correctly what it means for God to be sovereign, beyond the hallmark answer, I wouldn't be mad that things aren't going my way and that God continues to throw a wrench into my perfect plans. I wouldn't be trying to tell Him how to do His job. His sovereignty means that all the puzzle pieces don't have to fit and my life can be wrapped in a slopping plastic bag tied in a knot because in all of this, there HAS to be faith. In all of that messiness is a desperate need for faith and trust just in order to get through. If God made all of our wildest dreams come true we would never NEED Him. We would never call on Him. He would be just a big Santa Claus in the sky. Now please don't think that I am saying it is wrong to not understand. Please don't come away from this post thinking that you have to slap a pretty smile on your face and keep saying "God is at work" like a mantra. Did Jesus do that in the garden of Gethsemane? Obviously not.

God takes us through these times so we know Who to run to. He drags us, often times, kicking and screaming because He sees the big picture. God gives us the reigns for a few moments so we can see just how badly we screw it up without Him. All of this is to show our need of Him. Our lives are constant reminders of the Gospel and how much more we have to learn of it.

God I still don't understand. I still wish that I could learn my lessons the easy way. I still wish that I could make sense of all of this and that people didn't get hurt from my learning process. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." Lord make that my prayer as I figure life out and seek to follow Your will in all things. I need You.

"I know the Lord is nigh,
And would but cannot pray,
For Satan meets me when I try,
And frights my soul away,
And frights my soul away.

I would but can't repent,
Though I endeavor oft,
This stoney heart can ne'er relent,
Till Jesus makes it soft,
Till Jesus makes it soft.

Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
My help must come from Thee.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have power to move,
A soul as base as mine,
A soul so base as mine.

I would but cannot rest,
In God's most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best,
And murmur at it still,
I murmur at is still.

Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
Help My Unbelief,
My help must come from Thee."