Crooked Deep Down

So my life is currently kind of imploding. I do not want this post to be a really dramatic pity party though. Because this implosion is a good thing because what is imploding and being turned to rubble is my pride, my selfishness, my self-righteousness, my lies, my anger, my self-pitying, my judging heart, my crookedness, my impure thoughts, and my wickedness. This obviously is not the end of the list of things wrong with me but for the sake of time I will stop there.

Charles Spurgeon told a story from his own life once of how after preaching a sermon a woman came up to him and told him flat out, "Sir you are the most arrogant and insufferable man I have ever met!" to which he responded with "Ma'am, you do not know the half of it." That story has stuck with me for years, ever since I first heard it. But I never really appreciated it because until recently I didn't really think I was that bad. I mean, yeah I knew I had a lot of sin in my life and I could even name a few of them for you but there was not really a deep understanding of the crookedness within me. There is a song by Derek Webb called "Crooked Deep Down" and I appreciate that song so much more now because that is my story. But that is not the end of my story. I screw up every day. I cannot go a few hours without sinning. I honestly know that now and I am literally the worst person I know. All the pain that is currently in my life I have largely brought it upon myself through my own mistakes, my own stupidity, to paraphrase a well loved song it was no ones fault but mine and it was the people I care about the most whose hearts were on the line.

God has broken me to a depth I did not know I was capable of reaching. I have never cried so much in my entire life actually. Each time I think I am done and I couldn't possibly have anymore tears left something happens and I am back in my bed clutching my damp pillow to my chest praying that my roommates don't hear my sobs. But I want you to know something that I am learning in large part to sermons at Mercy, discussions with Marc and Parker, and last nights message at RUF. There is no guilt in those tears. There is a pure and deep sadness but no guilt. I have plenty to be guilty of but I can do nothing to relieve my guilt. It has been done for me by grace. I am redeemed by grace and I am sanctified by grace. Last night the passage was Romans 6: 5-14

5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7 because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10 The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. 14 For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

Under the law I am guilty. But I am not under law. I am under grace! I am set free from sin! It is through grace that I am sanctified and I am free! What I am going through now is necessary. It sucks and it hurts but it is good because God is refining me through fire and I have hope because I am not what I was and He is making me who His Son is through this. Last weeks sermon at Mercy was on 1 Peter 1:3-9

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

It says right there is verse 6! This is not random pain, it is necessary and because of that I rejoice. This doesn't mean I like it or that I am all smiles and happy-go-lucky but I can rejoice that God is good and has given me new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. Where my sin abounds his grace abounds all the more! I don't have to focus all of my energy on my sin because I am under grace and it is only by grace that I am forgiven and raised to newness of life.