But What About Ministry?

It's been a few days now since I have posted.  Normally this would be due to busy-ness but lately it has been more of the fact that I have nothing to say that would be edifying for anyone.  The last week and a half have been pretty rough emotionally for me.  The whole job hunting process is pretty discouraging right now.  Granted there have been some leads but for some reason or another they always seem to fall throw which, is even worse then just not having any leads at all. It is very hard to fight off the pessimism and cynicism right now.

I was thinking and doing some real self examination last night trying to figure out what exactly makes this state of limbo, needing to be free to leave Lynchburg whenever the opportunity finally arrives, so torturous. Why is this so painful? I think I am beginning to understand. I have to live my life 2 weeks at a time really.  I can't really make promises or commitments more than 2 weeks in advance.  Now most would say yes it is the lack of security in my current situation that is bothering me and I would agree that is part of it but mainly I feel very limited in ministry.  I don't feel like I can commit to things like teaching Sunday school, nursery or small groups because I have to make sure that I am not leaving anybody in the lurch by taking on something long term (anything beyond 2 weeks) when I know full well that I am trying to be in Chattanooga 2 weeks from whatever the day happens to be at the time.  So what am I supposed to do?  We are supposed to be involved in ministry and service.  Those things are good but I currently feel like my hands are tied.  I can feel my Martha tendencies are being forced into a Mary mold:  

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”   ⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42

I feel like I am Martha trying to do all these different things and God wants me to just sit and rest at the feet of Jesus and he is forcing me to do so by keeping me in limbo.  In my mind, that seems useless and wasteful when there is so much that needs to be done and that I am physically  and emotionally capable of.  I am useful so why is God not actively using me?  Why am I being forced to sit and rest?  Is that what is actually happening or is my control freak and analytical neurosis just grasping at straws trying to find something, anything that will give me some peace and purpose in my current struggle? Maybe I am getting worried and upset about many things when only a few things are needed.  Maybe I need to choose what is better and let Jesus do the talking for once.  

I don't know.  The only hope I have right now is that the Gospel is as true today as it was yesterday.  God is not leaving me alone to bop around in blissful ignorance (although to be honest, at times I wish he would, just for a couple of years at least). God is at work, whether I understand it and see it or not.