I still feel pretty transient for obvious reasons. I am still living out of a suitcase. I don't have an apartment of my own or a job to support myself. I still feel like I am on an extended vacation and not like this is my new home. It won't feel like home for a while even after I get those things. 21 years of "home" is pretty hard to override. All of these things are very understandable and expected. It has been such a blessing staying with Mandi and Greg and my niece, Caitrin. I can't express how grateful I am for them letting me stay here. Getting to hang out with Mandi and talk to her and catch up on life is so great. I have missed her since she moved here. It has been great to watch her grow into her roles as wife to Greg and mother to Caitrin. I am loving getting a deeper knowledge and understanding of these different sides to her. Playing with Caitrin on a daily basis and getting to know her little personality and quirks is so exciting. Each day I learn something new about her that surprises me, makes me laugh, makes me love her more, or all of the above. Getting re-acquainted with this family unit that I have literally watched from its inception is really such a blessing. In those moments, I know exactly why I moved here.
That is where the clarity stops, however. Now please don't misunderstand me. Just because the rest is very hazy does not mean that I am giving up on the whole idea of moving here. It doesn't mean that Chattanooga wasn't everything I hoped it would be. Honestly, I still don't know, because after all it has only been a week. I still feel that God directed me here for a reason. I just am not sure exactly what that reason is yet.
I went to a great church yesterday, North Shore Fellowship, and really enjoyed the message and the music. I got a little lost so I ended up getting there a few minutes late which, led to me sitting in the very back (not according to plan) because that was literally the only place to sit other than the balcony. The church was a lot bigger than I expected. My pew companions ended up being some tardier college students, probably sophomores at the most, who kept to themselves. Not a surprise, as I remember very clearly what that was like. One or two of them, I recognized from the soccer game I had went to up at Covenant the night before. I filled out the visitors card and said I was interested in women's ministry and small groups, but that was as connected as I got, which is not a shock, after all, still first week here. I was not expecting to be swarmed by people wanting to meet me and get to know me. I was not expecting to walk out with a mass of new friends and connections on my first week. Although there was a little idyllic part of me that hoped a more realistic version of this would happen. Who can blame me, we all do it. But I didn't put myself out there really either. So I did not leave disappointed at all. It seems to be a good solid church and I definitely plan on returning next Sunday. I plan on being more punctual and get a better seat this time as well. I know enough about churches to know that these things take time. Especially in a larger church like North Shore.
Today, in the shower though, I started thinking about why I am really here. Before I left I was having coffee with a friend and he mentioned that he hoped I found whatever I was looking for down here. That has kind of haunted me ever since he said it. What am I looking for? It's not friends, because I have great ones that I love dearly back in Lynchburg. It's not a better church, because Mercy was a phenomenal church. I know I wanted to be closer to Mandi and Caitrin, but there has to be something else. I know they aren't the only reasons why I wanted to come here. I know I wanted to feel like a grown up. There is something about living in the same town all of your life that you feel perpetually stuck in adolescence. Was this move about any of those things? Was this move about finding a new adventure for myself? Having a change of scenery? Partially, I am sure those were large factors. Was I unhappy in Lynchburg? Toward the end, I can honestly say no I was very happy in Lynchburg. So why did I leave? Why am I now in Chattanooga?
Well here is a thought that struck me in the shower, "where I do my best thinking". Maybe this move wasn't about me. Maybe this move wasn't about what I can get out of it or how it will benefit me. Maybe this move is about other people that I can serve better or in a deeper and fuller way here than I could in Lynchburg. Because let's face it no matter how happy I was in Lynchburg there was something that felt ill-fitted deep down. When I drive around Chattanooga I feel very peaceful. I feel contented and happy. I breathe deeply and my heart smiles. That never happened really in Lynchburg. I don't know if that is some sort of sign but it's a plus. But again maybe I need to stop trying to answer the question of "What can I get out of this?" and more wonder "What can I make of this? What can I put into this that will glorify God and proclaim the Gospel to people around me, in my sphere of influence?" Maybe I should have been asking that question all along.
Well that is where my mind and heart are. That is the answer to that ever so pregnant question of "How are you doing?" Please keep me in your prayers. I appreciate them more than you will ever know. God is so good and He is providing beautiful reminders of His grace.
TTFN~
REE
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