I had never actually been on birth control before we got engaged. So I had no idea what to expect. I was not expecting to become crazy. The first month I was on birth control I literally thought I was going crazy. I was paranoid and having panic attacks. I called my doctor's office and I think I scared the poor nurse. All I remember was there was a lot of apologizing and the phone call was much shorter than I was hoping and very unsatisfying because she basically said, "Tough it out, you big baby!" Or at least that was what I heard. For the next 3 months I was not a happy camper. Right after we got married I was having a conversation with one of the women in my church about my frustrations and she told me something very discouraging that I had never heard before. "Well sometimes, finding the right birth control can take a few tries." If that wasn't enough she said that her daughter searched for a year to find the right one. What?! I can't feel like this for a year! I felt out of control of everything. My emotions where all over the place. I was crying one moment and screaming the next. I was depressed for a day then giddy for a few hours. I had never felt like that in my entire life. It was so weird. And honestly it scared me because as a control freak not having control over my own emotional capacities was a HUGE problem! Not to mention my poor new husband was getting the brunt of whatever I happened to be feeling that hour. I finally got my birth control changed after 5 months of being on it and I was relieved and hopeful. This will be better. I will be better. I will be calmer. I will feel like myself again. I will be the woman that my husband fell in love with. Honestly, I felt like he had been duped because I felt so dramatically different from what I was before. I just wanted to get back to normal. I wanted to go back to being nice and liking people and things again. The second birth control was better. For like a month and then it settled in and I still felt off. I still couldn't believe the anger I would feel over the smallest things. I came home from work one day and saw that my husband hadn't put the lid on a storage contain properly and I completely blew my top. I fumed for over an hour. I slammed the fridge door so hard I popped one of the trays out of it. I always had a temper but was never violent and it kind of scared me honestly. I was on that birth control for 7 long months. At my next appointment my doctor asked me how things were going , and as I told her some of my frustrations her eyes got big and she exclaimed, "Why are you just NOW telling me this?! You should have called a long time ago and I would have changed it!" I admitted that I kept putting it off because I was holding out hope it would get better and by the time I realized it wasn't getting better I was due for an appointment so I figured I would just wait it out till I could talk to her in person. Needless to say, she switched me immediately. I am very happy and relieved to say that I am MUCH better! I am much more even tempered. I am much more normal and I think as a result my husband is much happier too. Although he would say I was never as bad as I thought I was. He is very sweet.
All of that to say that birth control is crazy. It can make you do weird and illogical things. But is can also be a scapegoat for a lot of sin too. When you are having those crazy feelings it is very important to sit quietly alone in your room away from sharp objects or images of sad puppies and really contemplate where your heart is in all of this. I have to admit ashamedly there were definitely times that I indulged the hormonal mad woman. There were times when I would let hurtful words fly because I could and because I wanted to. There were times when I stomped down the Holy Spirit because I just wanted to be mad and I wanted to punish my husband for some perceived offense. I am not proud of it but it's true. It is very important to remain keenly aware of yourself while on birth control because although it may feel completely uncontrollable it is more controllable than your sin nature might want you to think. God doesn't accept the classic"my hormones made me do it" excuse. But he does forgive it. He knows your heart better than you do and he knows when you are being just plain sinful. God and my husband showed me so much grace and forgiveness, which is mercifully par for the course with them because I need it so often. I am thankful for my husband's practical and tangible example of Christ to me. God is certainly good. Wrong birth control is bad and it should be switched. That is why it is so important to pay attention when something is not right to know if the birth control needs to be switched or your attitude needs a good swift kick in the pants and "you got some esplaining to do" and a lot of repenting.
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