Lesson #3 - You Are Not His Mother

Women have a natural tendency to nurture and that is all well and good. I believe 100% that is a God given gift that women can do in a way that men just really can't.  This is a fantastic thing when it comes to children. Husbands, however, tend to get lumped into the category of "things that need raising" rather easily.  We forget they have already been raised.  Sure it was different than you were raised but he obviously turned out well enough for you to marry him didn't he? Whether it is the amount of vegetables he eat, the way he does the laundry, how he does dishes, or how he completes "Honey Do" lists around the house, understand that you do things differently and that does not automatically mean that he is wrong and you are right.  Remember that first lesson?  The main theme that kept coming up over my first year of marriage was I was fussing and worrying over him like I was his mother not his wife.  I would fuss at him if he didn't eat the vegetables I made him.  I fussed at him over little things and sometimes bigger things.  I remember one instance when I fussed at him because he decided to climb a ladder when I wasn't home. My husband was in the middle of painting the outside of our house.  He was working very diligently and was a trooper about the long, arduous, and unfortunately solitary process.Our days off very rarely coincide so the idea of me being home while he was climbing on a very tall ladder to paint trim was a virtual impossibility.  I fussed though.  "If you fall off you are going to get hurt or die and I won't be here to help you. You need to just wait until I can be there to make sure you are safe." Can anyone say, "Yes, mother"?  Now, I had good motive behind my "edict".  I care very much for my husbands health and safety and we had just heard that week of a man falling off of a ladder while no one was home and being very badly injured so I was already on edge.  But my concern and love for him manifested itself all wrong. My husband patiently explained to me the impracticality of my idea and while he applauded my effort at safety it really was not going to help get the house painted in a timely fashion.  As I was driving home from work the day my husband was painting the house I called my mother.  I thought for sure being the practical woman she was she would understand where I was coming from.  After I explained the situation the first thing I heard on the other end of the phone was laughter. Naturally I was taken aback and then I heard her chuckle out these words, "Well, you aren't his mother, Rachel. You are his wife."  I said, "But Mom doesn't it worry you when Dad does stuff like that when you aren't home?" She said, "Well of course it does! But he is an grown man and his life isn't my responsibility anyway. God keeps him alive not me." I said, "Then what do you do in those situations?" She said, "I tell him I love him and I go to work and about my day, praying for him the whole time and am very thankful and relieved that he is in one piece when I return."  It finally clicked for me.  I had gotten it into my head that as his wife I was, somehow, responsible for keeping my husband alive and well.  Somehow, his life was in my hands and I had totally disregarded or forgotten the fact that he is a mature adult who had been climbing on ladders, up trees, on roofs, using power tools and doing all manner of "risky" things for the last 31 years without my guidance, advice or supervision and amazingly enough he had survived! Imagine that!  My concern and mothering was a result of a lack of faith.  I wasn't trusting my husband was smart enough to be careful but most of all I wasn't trusting God with my husband.  In that small silly little moment of clarity I realized that he is not my responsibility.  He is my friend, my husband, my brother in Christ but he is first and foremost God's child not mine and as such he is in far better hands with Him than he is in my own.  

So yes, ladies, we worry.  Sometimes we mother.  A lot of times it has good intentions like being safe and staying healthy.  But ladies remember we married grown men.  Give them the respect and honor they deserve as your husband rather than belittling them as little boys.  By all means, make suggestions and offer potential alternatives but remember that just because you do things differently doesn't make it bad and you aren't his mother.  You are his wife.  So love him, pray for him, have his back, but stop trying to do God's job.