The reason I choose my major was because I felt like that was the only major that I could get that I would actually be interested in and that I could actually survive. Until I was 15 I never thought college was even an option. I was home schooled all my life and I was never really able to grasp academics. It was a constant struggle for my mom and I to get through simple subjects. I can remember (and still struggle with) many times having to read the same paragraph over 20 times before my brain started to recognize the words. It literally felt like I was trying to read a foreign language or like I forgot how to read for a few minutes. It would take me hours to do the same work that my older brother could do in 30 minutes. Many days my mom and I both would end our math sessions in tears from frustration and for me feelings of stupidity because I couldn't understand a simple problem. After getting academic testing I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. To me that translated to "You are not stupid!" It was huge for me and such a relief. My mom asked the specialist if college was an option for me and he specialist gave me hope. Yes I could do college fine as long as I figured out how I learned and what I would have to do to succeed. School was never and is not easy. I have to work my butt off for ever grade I get. I am never going to get the grades or be on the honor role and dean's list like my brother. But I could do college.
Anyway where I was going with that was I wanted to pick something that was easy that could at remotely keep my attention. It held my attention for a few semesters and it was relatively easy for me but it never clicked for me. It was just something to get a degree in. I never felt "called" or that I had a genuine passion for my major. And among my other classmates I felt rather out of place. They were all excited about being the best interior designer they could be. They were excited to be picking out paint swatches for the rest of their lives. People would ask me if I liked my major and my answer was "Yeah I get to look at pictures all day." That was really the only perk I could think of. I started working with clients doing interior design work for the university and it frustrated me working with such picky and ungrateful people who had to have the exact shade of green and the exact vision that they wanted to the extent that it was really confusing as to why the hired me in the first place. This obviously didn't help my desire to design for the rest of my life. So the further I got in to my major the more lost and discontent I became.
Now that I have found RUF and something finally clicked in me and the passion for something was ignited I feel like I am wasting time listening to lectures about fabric and carpet samples. For some reason I am majoring in interior design. For some reason God wants me studying this. I have to admit I honestly have no clue why. I would love to know and maybe God will reveal that to me. Maybe He won't. I have to trust Him and get through my last year. And yes it will be frustrating and yes it will be boring. Yes I will feel like I am wasting my time. But God doesn't make mistakes. God will use this for some purpose whether I recognize that or not.
I have to trust Him . . . and there is the rub. That is where the rubber meets the road and the Lord reminds me how far I still have to go in my walk. That is where I see most clearly that the desire of my heart is my way and my timing. It is in those moments that God by His grace shows me my heart and what I need to work on and what He still loves me amazingly in spite of.
God is so good. God is at work. God will provide.
TTFN
Rach
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