Trust Issues

So in all of my research into RUF internship and coming from a military family, I have reached the realization that those two are very similar in one particular aspect. You can request where you want to be placed/stationed but in the end you get sent where you are needed and where you would best fit. And many times as in life your desires do not match your needs and God is always more then happy to show us this.

Something you should know about me is that I am a chronic hypothetical planner. I like to plan out my future to a T. I like to imagine what my "5 year plan" will turn out to be. I like to figure out where I will end up, who will be there with me and how they will come into my life. I like to solve all of the mysteries of my life way in advance so that I can be prepared. The funny thing about all of this is that I actually have no control whatsoever of my future. My planning really should focus on what I going to wear the next morning and what I am going to cook for dinner but those mundane plans are never enough for my roving imagination. I want to plan the big and grand! There wouldn't be so much wrong with that if I didn't get my heart set on MY plans. Thankfully God knows this tendency about me and lovingly knocks me up side the head saying "Hey! Stop trying to do my job. You suck at it." God is slowly and painstakingly teaching me to let go of my agenda and seek his. I am trying very hard not to get my heart set on any one school or even several different schools. It has been in my experience that it is better to focus only on God's will (whatever that might be) and let him take care of it. But still my sinful heart cries out for control. 1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety on him (God) for he cares for you." That has been sort of my mantra and life verse to myself but there is a disconnect. You see, my sinful and untrusting heart doesn't really believe that the God of the Universe who set everything into motion and who created the stars and planets, the skies and seas, the trees and animal, the atom and molecule, the God who holds all of these things in perfect balance really cares about my life. Yes I know in my head that he does and on good days I know in my heart as well. But on most days I just don't believe it. I don't believe that he knows exactly where I need to be; he knows the exact campus minister that will help me serve him better and that will teach me more about God then I knew existed; he knows what students I need and what students need me. He has all of this figured out already and today on this good day I know that wherever he sends me is going to be amazing. I know that even though it will undoubtedly start out lonely and difficult I will have to be torn away from my students and my campus minister. Yes today is a good day and I can trust him. But bad days are coming as they always do where I will begin to doubt and begin to plan again and it is with prayer and many loving and Godly people that I will get through those days and come out trusting my God once again.

TTFN

Rach